Reese Witherspoon’s Tough-Love Parenting Approach Is So What Kids Need Today

Let's face it, your kid may not be the best at everything, so why tell them they are?

Fact checked by Sarah Scott

Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm an anti-coddling mom (most of the time). Given how I prefer to parent, I couldn’t help but feel a bit of kinship with mom-of-three Reese Witherspoon, who opened up about her own tough parenting style on the "Good Inside with Dr. Becky" podcast. The actress—who co-parents Ava, 24, and Deacon, 19, with her ex-husband, actor Ryan Phillippe, and Tennessee, 11, with her ex-husband Jim Toth—remarked during the show, “I don't know when we stopped letting our kids fail.”

She then related a story from her own childhood. “Like, I learned so much from the paper I didn't turn in or the demerits I got, so I got detention," Witherspoon said. "I was suspended from school when I was in fifth grade for talking in class and being disruptive. And writing creative notes and passing them to my friends."

"And my parents didn't say, ‘Uh, she didn't deserve that,'” Witherspoon continued, adding they didn’t take her out of school, but instead, she said, “They actually let me sit in it, and feel uncomfortable. So I think, learning from failure is actually a valuable tool that you can't take away from kids, right? You rob them if you don't let them sit in the discomfort of the experience."

"I think learning from failure is actually a valuable tool that you can't take away from kids, right? You rob them if you don't let them sit in the discomfort of the experience."

Reese Witherspoon

The Legally Blonde star further explained how she didn’t try to cushion the blow too much when Ava didn’t score any baskets in a third-grade basketball game. Rather, the celebrity mom told her daughter, "Yeah, I know. I know, that probably feels really bad. You know what also, maybe you're not good at basketball?"

Witherspoon laughed that Ava questioned whether her mom was allowed to tell her she wasn’t good at something, but as The Morning Show star said, “It's actually really important to learn what you're not good at."

Well, my 4-year-old son certainly got that memo last year. I recall watching him get ready for his very first soccer practice, my heart swelling with pride. He’d been asking me to sign him up to play, and I jumped at the chance. He’s a fast runner, has tons of energy, and loves kicking and throwing a ball around our yard. So, I assumed soccer would be a great fit for his burgeoning skill set.

Flash forward to a few weeks later at the first official scrimmage, and well, not so much. Rather than taking to the game, my child was the one standing on one side of the field, watching all the other little kids zip back and forth and attempting to score goals—which, some of them did. I mean, there were no David Beckhams in the making on hand, but it was pretty clear to anyone watching that my son and soccer weren’t going to happen.

After cheering him on for what felt like forever, since he basically wasn’t doing anything other than looking around with confusion, mercifully, the scrimmage was over. When he walked off the field, inexplicably sweaty, I wrapped him in a big hug. I wanted to tell him he did great, pump him up, make him feel good about himself; which I did, by remarking, “Good try out there!” But I also couldn’t bring myself to lie and say, “Wow, you were awesome!” Instead, I hit him with the hard truth, gently: “ So, maybe soccer isn’t your thing, huh?”

Luckily, he was on board with my take, and admitted in a breezy tone that only a 4-year-old possesses, “Yeah, I don’t like soccer.” Well, fair enough. We attended a few more practices and scrimmages, but then I decided to end our shared misery, and we stopped going. A few months later, my son joined a junior swim team. Guess what? He loved it—and, thankfully, he picked up the different strokes pretty quickly, and had a great season.

I think the lesson he learned from these experiences is that you can’t be good at everything—and that’s totally cool. Meanwhile, our trial and error with soccer and swimming reconfirmed that keeping it real with kids is the parenting style that suits me best.

Of course, I think my son is amazing in every way imaginable, and I tell him that every day. But just because I love him more than anything, and feel he’s the best kid on Earth, doesn’t mean he’s good at everything on Earth—and that’s OK.

"Of course, I think my son is amazing in every way imaginable, and I tell him that every day. But just because I love him more than anything, and feel he’s the best kid on Earth, doesn’t mean he’s good at everything on Earth—and that’s OK. "

Melissa Willets

My son is still little, but when the stakes are higher with my older children, I find the same anti-coddling approach serves us well, like when my middle schooler “forgot” to do her homework—until 9:30 p.m. Sure, I could have let her go in late to school the next morning so she’d have time to finish the assignment, but she needs to learn to prioritize her time better. So sorry, but this one was on her. At the time, I assured my daughter that we’d all been there and that everything would be OK, but I also informed her it was time for bed—and not time to start homework.

Getting back to the idea that you can't be good at everything, we can all agree that something Witherspoon is definitely good at, acting—and it seems parenting as well. Meanwhile, it’s nice to know that another mom out there is on the same page as I am about being straight with our kids when things don’t go their way—while of course also celebrating their successes and helping them grow in areas where they can shine.

Is it too much that I’m imagining hanging out with the fashion maven (wearing coordinating Draper James outfits)  and discussing how rescuing and coddling our kids all the time doesn’t help them learn and grow? I’m sipping my coffee, nodding as she elaborates on her point about “age-appropriate failure” being key. Oh, sorry Reese—I gotta go. My 2-year-old isn’t ready to fail at pouring his own milk on his cereal.

Related: Permissive Parenting: The Pros and Cons, According to a Child Psychologist

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