How to Recognize and Cope With Micro Cheating, According to a Therapist
Francesco Riccardo Iacomino / Getty Images
Medically reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
Micro cheating is when someone engages in subtle actions that demonstrate interest in someone outside of their own relationship. It essentially means crossing a physical or emotional boundary of a relationship in some way, says Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”
For example, if you and your partner are in a committed monogamous relationship and you see them kissing someone else, you would probably consider that cheating. If they simply send someone a flirty text, it may not be clear-cut cheating, however it can still feel unsettling and violate your trust because it feels like they crossed a boundary. This is micro cheating.
Navigating infidelity and feelings around it can be challenging, especially when it comes to micro cheating. You may wonder whether you are misreading the situation and overreacting to something innocent.
In this article, we explore what micro cheating could look like and what you should do if you suspect that your partner is micro cheating on you.
What Is Micro Cheating?
These are some examples of behaviors that may be considered micro cheating:
Flirtatious behavior: Engaging in playful or suggestive conversations, actions, eye contact, or body language with someone outside the relationship.
Digital interactions: Sending coy text messages or engaging in social media interactions such as liking or commenting on someone’s posts.
Compliments: Giving someone compliments or special attention.
Gifts: Giving or receiving gifts with romantic connotations.
Intimacy: Sharing intimate feelings, thoughts, desires, struggles, or confessions with someone outside of the relationship.
Physical contact: Touching, hugging, or kissing someone, or engaging in other forms of physical contact that seem inappropriate.
Fantasies: Fantasizing about someone outside of the relationship.
Dating profiles: Keeping one’s options open by maintaining active profiles on dating apps, suggesting availability.
It’s important to note that the definition of micro cheating can vary with each relationship. Everyone has varying levels of comfort with how close their partner gets to other people. Behaviors that seem innocent or harmless to some people can feel like a significant breach of trust to others.
When Does Micro Cheating Cross the Line Into Full-Fledged Cheating?
The line between micro cheating and outright cheating is murky, given that couples may define the spectrum of infidelity differently, says de Llano.
These are some factors that can indicate micro cheating has crossed the line into full-fledged cheating:
Intent: The person is actively seeking romantic, emotional, or physical fulfillment outside the relationship.
Secrecy: The person is hiding conversations, messages, or social media interactions from their partner or deleting evidence so their partner doesn't find it.
Relationship impact: The person’s behaviors start eroding the trust and commitment in the relationship.
Emotional involvement: The person has developed genuine feelings for someone outside the relationship.
Physical intimacy: The person has been physically intimate with someone outside the relationship.
Research shows that while most romantic relationships in the United States have expectations of monogamy, 20% of married couples and 70% of unmarried couples engage in infidelity. Research also shows that men are more likely to be unfaithful than women.
Related: How to Deal With a Partner Who Has Wandering Eyes
What to Do If Your Partner Is Micro-Cheating
These are some strategies that can help you cope if you think your partner might be micro cheating.
Avoid Reacting Emotionally
If you think your partner may be micro cheating on you, it’s natural to feel angry, upset, betrayed, insecure, or even ashamed.
Rather than reacting emotionally, it can be helpful to wait until you’ve calmed down to process the situation. Sometimes, it really is micro cheating, whereas other times it might simply be jealousy at the fact that your partner is forming close connections with others.
You don’t have to hide your awareness of the situation or bring it up passive aggressively. Instead, take some time to cool down and think about what happened and how it’s making you feel. Then, discuss it with your partner when you’re ready.
Discuss the Issue With Your Partner
The first step to having this conversation with your partner is to create a safe space, says de Llano. She recommends setting up rules for how to handle the potential conflict by discussing how you want to speak to each other and be heard. “When this safe space is created, you can begin sharing your feelings and taking ownership of your actions," she says.
Have an honest discussion with your partner about your concerns. Explain how their actions made you feel and why you consider them a violation of your boundaries. Listen to their side of the story.
Define the Boundaries of the Relationship
Once you’ve told your partner why you’re upset and have heard their side of the story, work with them to redefine the boundaries of your relationship. Decide what is acceptable and what isn’t for each of you. This process may take time and should be carefully considered with the input of both partners, says de Llano.
For instance, you may decide that you want to maintain a monogamous relationship and intimate physical contact with other people is unacceptable. Or, you may be intrigued at the idea of opening up your relationship and decide to try out a monogamish arrangement, where both of you can explore interactions with other people, based on certain rules and boundaries.
Work on Strengthening Your Bond
Micro cheating does not necessarily mean your relationship is over, says de Llano. “It does, however, mean that partners must take responsibility, make amends, and work on rebuilding communication with each other.”
Taking accountability for ourselves, our emotions and our actions to improve relationships can lead to both forgiveness and deeper intimacy, connection, and satisfaction in the relationships, says de Llano.
Seek Support
Dealing with infidelity can be difficult. A 2023 study notes that discovering a partner’s infidelity can cause stress, heartache, and even trauma.
If you need help processing your feelings around the situation, it can be helpful to seek therapy from a mental health professional, particularly if you’re not comfortable discussing it with your loved ones.
Couples therapy can also help you and your partner address conflicts in a neutral environment and work on strengthening your relationship.
Read Next: Should You Give a Cheating Partner a Second Chance?
