Questioning Your Relationship? Here’s How to Overcome Relationship Anxiety
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Falling in love is a beautiful thing, and with it comes lots of feelings of happiness and excitement. But, building an intimate relationship involves more than just butterflies. The truth is that most relationships have their ups and downs, and eventually you may start feeling butterflies for a very different reason—relationship anxiety. Maybe you’re noticing relationship red flags, you’re struggling with how to deal with jealousy, or you can’t quite shake the feeling that things are just too good to be true (see: love bombing).
Sure, it’s not romantic, but relationship anxiety is something that can happen in any partnership, whether you just met on a dating site or you’ve known each other for years. And while it’s certainly a scary feeling, it doesn’t always mean bad news. There are a number of reasons why you might feel anxious about your relationship. Thankfully there are ways to overcome that uneasy feeling.
“The bottom line is: Know yourself,” says Vagdevi Meunier, Psy.D., licensed professional psychologist, certified Master Gottman Therapist, and founder of the Center for Relationships. “Make sure you’re doing your own work, make sure you’re really clear about the qualities in a relationship that would work for you…trust your gut, trust your instincts, and if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.”
Ahead, experts answer the question: what is relationship anxiety? They delve into signs of relationship anxiety, separation anxiety, and how to overcome those uneasy feelings.
What is relationship anxiety?
“Relationship anxiety is marked by feelings of doubt, fear, or insecurity about your relationship. It is an unsettled feeling that makes it difficult to be at ease about the state of your relationship, even if it is going well,” explains Weena Cullins, L.C.M.F.T., a relationship expert in the Washington D.C. metropolitan area. “While you may outwardly appear to be going with the flow of the relationship, internally you may be waiting for something bad to happen or go wrong.”
Relationship anxiety can present in a few different ways and is likely to put some degree of strain on the relationship. It can manifest as insecurity or a desire for control in some cases, Cullins explains. The anxious partner may require frequent validation, constantly check in about the status of the relationship, or insist on more time together. Or, relationship anxiety can present the opposite way, with the anxious partner pulling away from their significant other physically and emotionally, to establish an element of control, according to Cullins.
What causes relationship anxiety?
Why might someone experience these feelings? Several factors may contribute to a person experiencing relationship anxiety, but regardless, “The first question I would ask them to ponder is ‘where is this coming from?’” says Meunier.
Relationship anxiety usually stems from either witnessing the downfall of relationships growing up or from firsthand negative experiences with relationships, Meunier explains. If you have only seen evidence that relationships are difficult or full of turmoil (like a parent’s divorce), you may have a deep-rooted feeling that all relationships lead to conflict. This can definitely lead to anxiety.
On the other hand, if you have had traumatic experiences in past relationships, such as abuse or a dramatic breakup, you might have, “difficulty trusting and feeling safe in a relationship,” Meunier explains.
How to deal with relationship anxiety
“The first step is to become self-aware,” explains Cullins. “It’s important to get to the root of what’s causing your anxiety.”
Once you can identify this, addressing the feelings with your partner can be helpful, Cullins says, but speaking with a therapist or other professional may be more effective. “They can help you make connections between your past experiences and your current behaviors,” Cullins says.
If you are feeling uneasy in your relationship because of your formative experiences growing up, a therapist can help you realize that your relationships don’t have to look the same way, or follow the same pattern, says Meunier. Additionally, if you have previous relationship trauma, Meunier recommends creating a “clear idea in your mind” of the person you need to be with and the qualities they should possess—qualities that will make you feel safe, secure, and respected. Then, you can ask yourself: “Am I dating someone that meets that criteria?”
Cullins also recommends trying to “challenge any anxiety-driven thoughts that enter your head by searching for evidence in your relationship that contradicts them.” Writing those thoughts and feelings down on paper alongside real-life examples from your relationship is often a powerful strategy for overcoming relationship anxiety.
Separation relationship anxiety
Aside from general relationship anxiety, experiencing separation anxiety in a relationship is a common yet stressful experience. Separation anxiety in relationships, “Is a feeling of extreme discomfort at the thought of being separated from attachment figures or loved ones,” explains Cullins. “Separation anxiety can cause some partners to require more physical time together, in an attempt to control their anxiety. This can be challenging for partners who desire a looser connection.”
Separation anxiety in a relationship is often connected to attachment style, which is created from the experiences we have growing up, Meunier explains. Those with an insecure, anxious attachment style are likely to experience separation anxiety—and someone with this attachment style likely, “had inconsistent parenting and relationship experiences in childhood where they got a lot of conditional love,” explains Meunier.
If you have insecure attachment or otherwise experience separation relationship anxiety, it can cause a strain on your partnership as you feel like you are “chasing” your partner and your partner likely feels “smothered,” Meunier notes.
To reconcile this strain, both partners must “negotiate how to meet each other’s needs” by communicating their desires, feelings, fears, and concerns.
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