PSA: Don't Underestimate The Importance Of Your Platonic Relationships
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As the Beatles once sang, “All you need is love.” This iconic line rings true—not only in terms of romantic or familial love, but also platonic. The concept of platonic love goes as far back as the time of Plato, the ancient Greek philosopher, who theorized that there’s different types of love, one of which he labeled “platonic.”
“Plato offers us four categories to organize the different types of love we can experience, and one of the types of love that would best describe platonic relationships and friendships is what he called ‘philia love’ translated from Greek to mean ‘brotherly love,’” says licensed therapist and friendship educator Blake Blankenbecler, LPC. In essence, a platonic love or relationship indicates a deep, emotional connection between two people with the absence of sex and romance.
Platonic relationships matter because “as you age, friendships become a stronger predictor of your health and happiness than family relationships,” Women’s Health previously reported. It’s no surprise then that these types of relationships are providing people with meaningful connections, sans the challenges (and, uh, icks) that tend to come with traditional romantic and sexual bonds.
Meet the Experts: Blake Blankenbecler, LPC, is a licensed therapist and friendship educator based in Charleston, South Carolina.
Rachel Miller, LMFT, is a couples and relationship therapist and founder of Hold The Vision Therapy, an online private practice serving individuals, couples, polycules, and families in Illinois.
Ahead, experts in the field of relationships explain what platonic relationships are, the difference between platonic and romantic love, and the signs you may be in a platonic partnership. Keep reading to learn more:
What is a platonic relationship?
Generally, a platonic relationship refers to a relationship that is absent of sex and/or romance.
As for what these types of relationships typically entail...well, “there really is no ‘one way’ or ‘right way’ to do platonic relationships,” says Blankenbecler. “Rather you get to decide with your friends about what you want this relationship to look like.” Perhaps this platonic relationship looks like weekly hangouts or dates, daily FaceTimes, or even living together. As the relationship develops over time, you may make necessary adjustments as you both see fit, Blankenbecler adds.
In short, the concept of platonic relationships gives people this newfound sense of freedom where they can write a different script on what their desired friendship looks like instead of what they felt it “had to” be, per societal ideals or expectations. This looks a lot like honesty and transparency being valued more over people-pleasing and obligation, says Blankenbecler.
Some other common characteristics frequently found in a healthy platonic relationship include: a desire to spend time together, being supportive and invested in each other’s growth, as well as feeling emotionally, intellectually, and/or spiritually connected, says relationship therapist Rachel Miller, LMFT. Additionally, the friendship is equitable, reciprocal, and mutually beneficial.
What are the different types of platonic relationships?
ICYDK, different types of platonic relationships abound, and they are all valid. “A lot of times, I find there is a spectrum of platonic relationships that can move from friendly acquaintances to deep, loving, and soulful connections,” says Blankenbecler. In other words, you can be in a platonic relationship with your childhood bestie, or even your favorite coworker. Ahead, here are some examples of common platonic relationships you:
Bromance: This label describes a close, non-sexual bond between two men.
Womance: This term describes a deep, emotional bond between two women where sex isn’t involved.
Work wife/husband/spouse: These expressions are often used to describe a close but non-sexual relationship between colleagues or coworkers that, at times, adopts or resembles the roles of a marriage.
What’s the difference between a platonic relationship and a romantic relationship?
“The simplest way to describe the difference between a platonic and romantic relationship is to name that sexual pleasure, interest, and play is present in romantic relationships and markedly absent in platonic relationships,” says Blankenbecler.
And though it’s easy to focus solely on how sex is not part of platonic partnerships, that seems to dilute the beauty, complexity, and nuance that can be found in these relationships. “Just because two people aren’t having sex doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t pleasurable, intimate, vulnerable, or even complicated for that matter,” Blankenbecler adds. The absence of sex also doesn’t make the relationship any less valuable.
Platonic love can be as deep, meaningful, and physically affectionate as romantic love, Miller adds. The only difference is that it typically does not include a desire or expectation of sexual or romantic intimacy.
You might be thinking, “That sounds a lot like a BFF situation.” So does being in a platonic relationship mean you’re “just friends” with someone? According to the experts, not exactly.
Actually, the beauty of a platonic relationship is that the people involved largely get to decide what it is and what it isn’t. “It could be simply a friendship, but so many folks I talk with feel as though the word friendship falls flat when they are trying to describe the level of care and love they have for each other,” says Blankenbecler.
What are the signs that I'm in a platonic relationship?
If you think you may be in a platonic relationship or, at the very least, are interested in fostering one, here are some common signs you may be experiencing platonic love, according to Miller and Blankenbecler.
1. You always want to be around this person.
Similar to being in a romantic or sexual relationship, you may find yourself always wanting to be around this person, says Miller. Not in a clingy way, but in a way that shows them how important they are to you.
2. You feel emotionally close to them.
Your emotional connection is extremely important when it comes to forming and fostering a platonic relationship. “Having a strong emotional bond can help bring you closer to each other when sex and romance are absent,” Miller notes.
3. You love this person but don’t have a desire to sleep with them.
According to Miller, this is imperative for a platonic relationship because if sex is involved then it inherently negates the entire concept.
4. You’re invested in getting to know each other’s inner worlds and lives.
As with any relationship, you want to get to know what makes the other person tick, says Miller. What are their likes and dislikes? What emotionally triggers them? What brings them joy? How do they give and express love? These are just a few questions that inform the foundation of your friendship.
5. You communicate regularly and trust them.
Blankenbecler says her favorite litmus test that she administers all the time with clients to tell if they’re in a healthy platonic relationship is asking the question: “Can you tell a particular friend that they hurt your feelings and trust they will care, and then take the time and steps to talk through the hurt with you to mend the connection?” If your answer is “no,” you may have to work on your communication. Or, your relationship may not be at that level of vulnerability yet.
What are the benefits of a platonic relationship?
Similar to a romantic relationship, there are mental and physical health benefits to having a deep platonic bond. Ahead, the experts outline a few.
1. Improved mental and physical health
Friendship can have a positive impact on happiness, well being, and longevity, per a study published in Trends in Cognitive Sciences. Additionally, spending time with those we share platonic love with can increase dopamine levels and decrease cortisol levels for better overall health, according to research published in Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience.
2. Increased resilience
An individual’s ability to recover after a traumatic or stressful event increases with the presence of strong platonic friendships, reported one study published in the Journal of Psychological Medicine.
3. Emotional support
Platonic relationships can be great sources of emotional support, says Blankenbecler: “They bolster your mental health and help give you that sense of belonging and acceptance that you need.”
4. Less pressure placed on romantic partners
An individual’s needs are often multifaceted and usually can’t be all met by one person. “A platonic partner can offer a sense of understanding and compassion that a romantic partner sometimes might not be able to,” says Blankenbecler. “I see this often in same gendered platonic friendships where there is a level of camaraderie around something like parenting and being able to share the unique struggles that can sometimes fall to one parent or the other.” (Mom friends, FTW!)
How do I form a platonic relationship?
It’s clear that platonic relationships are important to one’s mental and physical well-being. With that in mind, here are a few tips for meeting new people who hopefully will become lifelong friends.
1. Friendship “Dating” Apps
If you’re familiar with Bumble, then you likely know it’s a popular dating app for matching people with potential romantic and sexual partners. But did you know the app also gives you the option to find new friends? “Bumble BFF can be a great way to foster individual connections and even help you get clear on what type of platonic relationships you’re interested in,” says Blankenbecler.
But if your scheduled friend dates on Bumble BFF just seem to keep falling through (uh, been there), some other apps and websites where you can connect with people with similar interests and identities include: Meetup, Discord, Lex, and hey, even Tinder.
2. Group Classes
Group classes are another fantastic outlet to find friends and form platonic relationships. “These [classes] are great for folks that might struggle with social anxiety or find the one-on-one blind friend dates intimidating,” says Blankenbecler. For example, if you enjoy making art, going to a weekly pottery class not only provides an activity you’re all doing together, but also offers you a topic to discuss with your classmates. After the initial icebreaker, you can ease into sharing more personal information as you feel comfortable.
3. Volunteering
Whether you’re working with children or cleaning up your local beach, volunteering is a great avenue for developing platonic relationships. “Volunteering is an incredible option because right off the bat you know that you share similar values,” says Blankenbecler.
How do I maintain a healthy platonic relationship?
Like any other bond, a healthy platonic relationship requires maintenance. As Women’s Health previously reported, “friendships don’t fare well on autopilot” and those who take a passive approach to maintaining them often feel lonelier than those who make an active effort. Ahead, the experts share their best tips for maintaining a platonic relationship:
1. Show up for each other.
Even as you grow and change as individuals over time—and, subsequently, the relationship shifts—it's important to invest time and effort into maintaining the bond, says Miller. No one said showing up is always easy, but most of the time, it's worth it.
For example, if your friend is going through a tough time, ask them how they would like to receive support. If either of you find yourself feeling unheard or misunderstood at any point in time in the relationship, leave room for discussion on the why's and perhaps how you can improve your communication so it's not a recurring issue in the future. Yet another way to show up for one another…
2. Schedule friend dates.
While you may not always have time for all-day hangout sessions, you can still prioritize your friendship by setting aside some time on your calendars. “Friend dates are important because you need face-to-face time to foster the connection,” says Blankenbecler. If you’re long distance, a FaceTime call works, too, she adds.
If you’re both foodies, consider planning a weekly dinner date where you try out a new restaurant. If you and your bestie are really into Pilates, attend some classes together. Also, don’t overlook the benefits of running errands with one another. Although the time spent may be short, it will help in developing and maintaining your relationship, according to Blankenbecler. “It’s important for you to see your friends’ faces, to watch their eyes soften as you share something hard or belly laugh with you as you share your latest awkward moment,” she says.
3. Vocalize your intentions.
The key to any successful relationship is letting the other person know what your expectations are. In a platonic relationship, that’s especially important so everyone involved is aware of the nature of the friendship. If you feel connected to this person, value them, and want to strengthen your connection, let them know. Blankenbecler says you can start by saying something along the lines of: “I’m so grateful for our friendship and see such value in you. I want you to know that it’s important to me to invest time in our relationship because you are a priority to me.”
Once you make your intentions known, to secure the platonic bond, “develop and maintain good communication, boundaries, and trust,” says Miller. And “be willing to take accountability and work towards repair when there is a rupture.”
What is a platonic life partner?
You may or may not have heard of the concepts of platonic life partnerships (PLPs) and queerplatonic partnerships, which, ICYDK, are bonds you might form when you take your platonic relationship to the next level.
“Platonic life partnerships involve people who commit to doing life together without romantic and/or sexual intimacy,” says Miller. “Whereas queerplatonic relationships involve queer folks who are committed to being in a relationship minus the romantic and/or sexual intimacy.”
In both platonic life partnerships and queerplatonic partnerships, pairs may cohabit, some may wish to raise kids together, and others may choose to live close to each other but not in the same home, according to a report by Women’s Health UK. Typically, romantic relationships are still pursued by each person, but what unites the two platonic partners is the rejection of the idea that their romantic partners hold greater importance in each other’s lives. Instead, each embraces and maintains a profound long-term friendship.
And platonic life partnerships may be an ideal situation for those who are asexual and/or who don’t subscribe to the belief that romantic love is the only basis for commitment, Women’s Health previously reported. As marriage and family therapist Shawntres Parks, PhD, previously told WH, it’s important to have someone pushing you towards your dreams, goals, and plans. And “explicit commitment is powerful in relationships even when sex isn’t there.”
Going back to the Beatles song, having and showing love makes life both easier and more fulfilling—mentally, emotionally, and physically. Next time you see your bestie, let them know how much you care, because you need their platonic love, just as they need yours.
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