Should I Propose Before or After Dinner? All Your Engagement Questions—Answered by the Pros
Proposal suggestions and important factors to consider from wedding experts.
Ready to put a ring on it? Congratulations! Before you and your partner can start wedding planning, you have to plan the perfect proposal first. Engagements can look like just about anything—from Kourtney Kardashian's beach proposal to asking, "Will you marry me?" on the Jumbotron. Unsurprisingly though, most people get engaged over dinner! One study found that 65 percent of respondents got engaged over a meal. If you're thinking of popping the question dinner proposal-style, you may be wondering: Should I propose before or after dinner?
Parade consulted Emily Forrest, Director of Communications at the wedding planning website, Zola.
"This is a hot topic! In fact, it comes up frequently enough that we recently filmed a TikTok Round Table about it," Forrest explains. "I'm strongly pro before dinner, as my husband proposed to me before."
But the answer really depends on who you ask. Even in Zola's TikTok Round Table (see below), everyone included had a range of opinions.
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If you're starting to plan an upcoming proposal, there's a lot to consider—where to do it, how to word the question, when to do it, how to present the ring and who you want to be present—just to name a few. Whether you propose before or after is just another one of those things you need to decide before getting engaged and it's really up to you.
Ready to plan your dinner proposal? Keep reading for helpful tips from the experts and answers to frequently-asked engagement questions.
Things To Consider for a Dinner Proposal
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There are probably a lot of things running through your mind already, but proposals take more planning than a lot of people think.
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"As for the other parts of the proposal, we find that most couples do have many discussions about what the ideal proposal moment will look like, whether they want their family and friends or children to be there or if it's important for blessings to be received," Forrest explains.
Expected Answer
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Have you thought about what the expected answer might be? While most people who propose believe they're going to get a resounding "Yes!," you may want to prepare yourself for any answer or any reaction. After all, we never truly know what the other person is thinking.
However, if you've made it a habit to discuss your future with your partner and even chat about things like engagement rings, wedding plans, what your shared finances would look like and even the possibility of starting a family, it should make your expected outcome more informed.
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Forrest adds that many couples nowadays don't just have these conversations; they also tend to date longer and even move in together before getting engaged.
"According to our 2023 First Look Report, most couples are together for approximately five years before they get married," Forrest says. "They also check many life milestones off their to-do list, like living together and even buying a home, before they decide to get married."
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With all of those important discussions and milestones already incurred, it makes it all the more likely that a proposal will be accepted.
"This is all to say that getting engaged is a major life decision that the couple is making together, so the expected answer is usually a known entity!" Forrest says.
Probable Reaction
There's not only the expected answer to consider, but also, your partner's probable reaction. Will they cry? Laugh? Be speechless?
"The reaction itself may be a surprise for both the partner proposing and the partner being proposed to," Forrest explains. "And, for many couples, we find that the moment of the proposal is their favorite moment of the entire engagement process. Even if the yes is predictable, the emotions are not!"
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Of course, there's no way to accurately predict how your partner will react to your proposal, but anticipating their probable reaction could help you plan better.
For example, you may already know that your partner hates crowds or easily gets embarrassed. Is a public place really the location to propose in that case?
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Or maybe your partner really values intimate moments between you two. In that case, your partner might feel overwhelmed if you invite families and a bunch of friends to celebrate.
It's all about knowing your partner well and taking their feelings into consideration.
Purpose of the Dinner
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Ask yourself: What's the purpose of this dinner? Your obvious answer might be, "to propose," but there's a little more to it than that.
We're talking about the reason your partner thinks you're both going out to dinner. Is this something you two do all the time? If not, will it seem out-of-character or suspicious if you want to go somewhere nice out of the blue?
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"Pick a location where you both feel comfortable," Hall des Lumières events expert Alexandra Reiss explains.
Hall des Lumières in New York City is currently offering a Valentine's Day proposal "The Last First Kiss" package featuring a custom "Will You Marry Me?" projection and a personalized champagne bottle.
Reiss adds, "Does the venue have meaning to you, or is it just a fancy place? You must be prepared for people to watch you if you propose in public. Think about how you and your partner will feel with that attention on you both. For example, a couple recently held their engagement at Hall des Lumières because it was a comfortable, special place for them."
How will you explain what they should wear? If your partner is someone who usually likes to get their nails done, how will you handle that as discreetly as possible?
At its core, defining the purpose of the dinner is all about planning out the best ways to keep the proposal a total secret.
Table Setting
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Once you get into the wedding-planning portion of it all, you'll find that there are an infinite amount of details to fuss over—including intricate decisions about table settings. But is it really necessary to plan the table setting for an engagement?
Maybe not, but it's something to mull over. First of all, ask yourself if you want to be located in the midst of all the hustle-and-bustle of the restaurant, nearby to other guests or if you'd prefer to be off to the side or back in a more private area. In anticipating your partner's probable reaction, take into consideration whether they would want to be front-and-center or in a more intimate setting of the restaurant.
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Something else you maybe haven't thought of? If you propose before dinner, the table will be spotless and professionally arranged by staff. If you propose after dinner, the table might have some crumbs, maybe a stain or two, and might not feel as nice as a new, fresh setting might when you first arrive.
You can also get the restaurant staff on board so they can help you plan discreetly, keep an eye on things and make sure it's all running smoothly.
"If you plan to propose at the restaurant, it’s great to warn the staff. The host/hostess should keep special eyes on the table, ensure you are taken care of properly and suggest the best table for the special moment," Reiss explains. "This is why proposal packages are a great option, so your venue of choice knows what to expect and can help you make it the most seamless and romantic moment possible."
Attendees
There are all different kinds of proposals, just as there are all different kinds of people and personalities. One thing that many people consider is who to invite to the engagement (or post-engagement ceremony) or if anyone else is invited at all.
"If your significant other hates a scene, having your friends or family close by after at a bar/restaurant/event space is a great way to celebrate afterwards, while keeping the proposal moment private," Reiss says. "It’s a great second surprise to keep the night going too!"
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Again, it really is about knowing your partner intimately and based on that knowledge, making an informed decision about what they may want.
If the entire fam is hiding in the wings at the restaurant, will that overwhelm your partner or be a happy surprise? Do you want to include friends as potential attendees? Or is it best for you as a couple to keep the proposal between only you two?
"We do find that most couples would prefer their proposal to feel intimate—a special moment for the two of them," Forrest says. If that's the case, then Forrest suggests "[considering] a dinner date at home or popping the question before you head to the restaurant."
Type of Food
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This kind of brings us back to that Mary-Kate and Ashley movie where one of the twins gets bad advice to "only eat a salad on dates," not something "messy" like pizza.
Lame (and problematic) advice for sure... however, we can't deny that some foods are messier than others. And getting the ring or your clothes dirty before taking engagement photos isn't really ideal.
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As such, ask yourself: What kind of cuisine is served at this restaurant? Is it your partner's favorite? Least favorite?
Is it super sticky, oily or prone to leaking—like a burrito? If there's a strong possibility that your partner (or you) might end up with the stain at the end of the night, you may want to propose before dinner.
All things considered, it's more important to order cuisine that you and your partner both love. Was your first date a sushi date? Maybe you've bonded over pasta? Either way, it should be enjoyable and everything else should fall by the wayside.
"I don’t think there are any rules when it comes to food!" Reiss says. "Anything that you both enjoy or has a personal meaning to you both! If a messier meal has a special meaning for you, it’s better to be sentimental than formal and cold."
Presenting the Ring
Forrest has a great point—engagement proposals don't automatically equate to the giving of a ring. In most, yes, but plenty of people propose without a symbolic ring.
"Well, there isn't even always a ring! The best way to present any proposal is to do it in a way that feels personal and true to who you and your partner are," Forrest explains.
Just as there isn't always a ring, there's no rule that you have to get down on one knee either. It's really all up to preference.
"We all know the perfect proposal as getting down one knee only because that is what we all see in romantic comedies," Forrest adds, "but that doesn't mean it is the only way."
If there is a ring, however, there are plenty of different ways to "present" it, so to speak, and not all those ideas necessarily mean getting down on one knee. In fact, many have gotten impressively creative with their ring presentations.
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Some of the more popular ways to present a ring during a proposal include putting it on top of a slice of cake (or incorporating it in the food some other way), placing it in a glass of champagne (just tie it to a ribbon first so you can remove it easily), having the waiter bring it over on an otherwise empty plate, place it in a box of chocolates, hide it in a bouquet, or inside of a fortune cookie.
Of course, you could always invent an innovative way to present a ring too.
How to Word Your Proposal
Perhaps one of the most important details to contemplate is the wording of your proposal. What do you want to say? What message do you want to send? What's the sentiment? What do you want to make sure they know before accepting?
"No two proposals are the same even if they end with, 'Will you marry me?'" Forrest says. "A really nice way to think about the proposal is that it is a moment where two people make a decision to spend their life together; it is not just one person asking the other."
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It's a fair point. After all, words really matter.
"So, for example, instead of asking, 'Will you spend the rest of your life with me?' the proposer could say, 'Can we spend the rest of our lives together?'"
Ultimately though, you know your partner better than anyone else. What words do you think will matter to them most? What way of asking will they appreciate?
Photography
In 2023, we would be lying if we said most proposees don't expect to have someone waiting in the wings, ready to capture that special, "Yes!" moment. It's so common that it's become expected. Whether that's a friend with a smartphone or a professional photographer lurking in the shadows, it doesn't matter. A picture is worth a thousand words—way more than just the one word: "Yes."
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Nowadays, many people share photos of their proposal online or frame the special moment in their home.
Reiss absolutely recommends having a photographer capture the moment. At Hall des Lumières, package add-ons include a photog.
"These photos can be used later for the wedding website, invites, etc," Reiss adds. "Hiring a photographer who can hide or be candid before the moment is vital not to give it away. The venue should be able to help them find the best spot to get the shot. After the proposal, carve out some time to walk around for a mini-engagement shoot!"
While it's not a total necessity, having a planned photo is a sweet gesture that will make the moment all the more memorable.
Inevitably, hiring professional photographers can be expensive and unattainable for some. In that case, you can enlist a family member or friend (or maybe even a waiter or other restaurant staff member?) to snap the moment.
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However, if you have your heart set on a pro photog though, you can always check out Shoott—it's a photography business that collaborates with professionals in different cities all around the country. The photo session itself is free and includes posing insight from the photographer so they can grab the best shots. It operates off an a la carte model so you only pay for the photos you choose (usually $25 to $30 per photo).
Should I Propose Before or After Dinner?
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According to StudyFinds.org, people have varying opinions on when to pop the question during a dinner proposal. One in five respondents got engaged over appetizers, while 18 percent put a ring on it before the food even got there!
But the overwhelming go-to is to ask during the actual meal. Thirty-six percent of people were mid-meal when they got engaged.
In Forrest's personal experience, the proposal happened before dinner arrived.
"For us, and for many couples, the decision to get engaged is very thought-out, and discussed at length. Even though the time and date might be a surprise, the fact that it's coming may not be," Forrest explains.
After all, dating for several years is usually a dead giveaway that it's happening soon.
"I'm strongly pro before-dinner, as my husband proposed to me before," Forrest tells Parade. "For my husband, waiting until after dinner would have made the meal feel like one thousand years, and after he popped the question we were able to enjoy the evening together and pop some bubbles to go with our meal!"
