Prince Harry, interviewing Putin? Just imagine what it would have been like...
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Talk about a missed opportunity. In podcast discussions with Spotify, claims Bloomberg News, the Duke of Sussex told them he’d had a brilliant idea. In each episode, he would interview famous people about their formative years, and how their youthful experiences helped shape their adult selves. The Duke then suggested a list of interviewees.
And among them, according to Bloomberg, was Vladimir Putin.
What an extraordinary thought. Forget Frost/Nixon. Harry/Putin would surely have been the most eagerly awaited interview in the history of journalism.
Sadly, however, this epochal meeting of minds never took place. Which is a shame.
Just imagine what it might have been like.
Harry: “Mr President – or Vlad, if I may? – welcome to the pod. Super to have you on. Now, in some ways, you and I have quite different backgrounds. But, over the course of our chat, I’m hoping that we can find some common ground, and bond over our shared experiences. For example, we both have experience of conflict. You, when you annexed Crimea, launched air strikes in Syria, and invaded Ukraine. And me, when my brother pushed me into a dog bowl and broke my favourite necklace.”
Putin: “Very painful.”
Harry: “Also, we both know how it feels to be called horrid names by the British press. I’ve been called the ‘thicko’, the ‘cheat’, the ‘drinker’, the ‘irresponsible drug-taker’. And you’ve been called the ‘genocidal war-mongering tyrant threatening global nuclear annihilation’.”
Putin: “Very hurtful.”
Harry: “And, in our 30s, we both experienced the trauma of seeing the place where we grew up change beyond all recognition. For you, it was the collapse of the former Soviet Union. For me, it was Camilla turning my old bedroom in Clarence House into her personal dressing room, without even asking.”
Putin: “Very sad. But, Mr Harry, I believe this is not the only territory you have lost. I am told that Frogmore Cottage has also been cruelly taken away from you. But do not worry. I know a way to get it back.”
Harry: “Gosh, that would be awfully nice of you.”
Putin: “Excellent. We invade tomorrow.”
The fight of the century: Musk v Zuck
Admittedly, I myself have never been a multi-billionaire Silicon Valley tech tycoon. But it must be stupendously boring.
This is the only plausible explanation I can see for Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg arranging to have a cage-fight with each other.
Mr Musk, who runs Twitter, proposed the cage-fight, and Mr Zuckerberg, who runs Facebook, promptly accepted. Their chosen venue is the Vegas Octagon, which is normally used for the blisteringly brutal UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship). Dana White, the president of UFC, says the two men are “absolutely dead serious about this”.
Perhaps it’s because at school they were both dweeby computer nerds, and so, in adult life, they’re determined to show the world how macho they are. Fair enough. All the same, I’m a little bit worried. Not for the one who loses the fight – but for the one who wins.
Surely both men must have seen the episode of Friends in which Monica’s boyfriend Pete gets bored with being a super-rich entrepreneur – and decides to become a UFC cage-fighter, instead. He’s so used to being successful in life that he refuses to believe he’s in any danger. Even after being pulverised in his first fight, he won’t give in. So he gets pulverised again and again.
My fear is that the winner of the Musk-Zuckerberg cage-fight will be so drunk on success, he’ll decide to take on an actual UFC cage-fighter. And then he’ll get pummelled to a pulp like Monica’s rich boyfriend. I always shudder when I recall Ross’s line to Monica at the end of the episode.
“Well, this is ironic. Of your last two boyfriends, Richard didn’t want to have kids – and from the looks of it, now Pete can’t.”
Then again, Elon Musk can’t seem to stop having children. He’s already got 10 of them. So perhaps he sees cage-fights as a form of contraception.
Three cheers for the anti-Greta
Most commuters are heartily sick of Just Stop Oil blocking the roads every day. As a result, more and more are now fighting back – by hauling the protesters out of the way, snatching their banners, and even tipping water over their heads.
The most intriguing evidence of this growing rebellion, however, came the other day, when a group of Just Stop Oil protesters found themselves being indignantly berated not by a commuter – but by a schoolgirl.
How heartening to hear of someone so young rejecting this hysterical doomsday cult. Amid their relentless catastrophising, it’s no wonder so many young people are said to be suffering from “climate anxiety”. It’s made them frightened, depressed, and reluctant to have children of their own. But if they don’t have children, the human race is certainly doomed, no matter how many wind turbines we build.
So all credit to this unidentified heroine. She’s exactly what the world needs: the anti-Greta. A fearless young girl who will stand up for her generation – by defying these self-righteous narcissists.
In future, I hope she’ll be seen at every Just Stop Oil roadblock, bellowing: “HOW DARE YOU! You’re destroying our future! Because your stupid protest is making us late for our GCSEs!”
Way of the World is a twice-weekly satirical look at the headlines aiming to mock the absurdities of the modern world. It is published at 7am every Tuesday and Saturday
