Prepare To Be Astounded (& Offended?) by What Kids Think Are 'Old People Names'

Rita Templeton
·4 min read
26

They say you’re only as old as you feel … and even though I’m in my forties, most of the time I don’t feel a day over 25. (Okay, maybe 35, depending on which body part is aching that day.) But not gonna lie, I felt downright geriatric when I found out what Gen Alpha considers “old people names.” And if you were also born in or around the ’80s and have a fairly typical name, prepare to feel personally attacked.

TikTok user Amber Cimiotti (@ciaoamberc) made this startling revelation after having a conversation with her 5-year-old daughter, Scarlett. In a now-viral video that has racked up nearly 9,000 comments, she laid out the convo — and opened it up to the laments of oldsters everywhere.

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“The other day, my daughter told me the names Ashley or Amanda — or my name is Amber — are like old people names,” she revealed, effectively blowing our minds. “She’s like, ‘Yeah, my teacher’s names are like, Ms. Erica, Ms. Samantha. There are Amandas and Ashleys,'” Cimiotti said. “She’s like, ‘Those are just old people names.'”

When I think of Ashleys, I think of the perky, popular blonde I aspired to be in junior high. But apparently when the kids of today think of Ashleys, they think of someone who is less “junior high” and more “senior living.” They see Jessica and Erica in the same way as we saw Phyllis, Debbie, Sharon, and Cindy: people who are our parents’ age, which is — from a kid’s perspective — old as hell.

One commenter brought late-’90s musical phenomenon Lou Bega into the mix: “If you got a shout out in Mambo Number 5, congrats you now have a granny name lol.” A deflating realization: I remember jamming gleefully to that song, probably while wearing my Steve Madden slip-on platforms, singing extra-loud during the part that mentions my name. Sob.

Sadly, they’re not wrong; the female names mentioned in “Mambo No. 5” were — in order of appearance — Angela, Pamela, Sandra, Rita, Monica, Erica, Tina, Sandra, Mary, and Jessica. And I’m pretty sure all of us need eye cream … if not Dentu-Creme.

Per the U.S. Social Security Administration, which tracks baby name data and releases a list of the top 1000 most popular names every year, Jennifer, Jessica, Ashley, Amanda, and Brittany were among the top five most popular names given to girls born between 1980-1990. Which means those girls are now in their mid-thirties to mid-forties. Which means that when the kids of today grow up, these will indeed be the names of the little old ladies in front of them doing 25 mph in a 45-mph zone.

Still, other TikTok users pointed out that the popular names parents are giving their kids now — names like Alice, Frankie, Evelyn, and Florence — were the “grandma” and “grandpa” names of our day. “Little do they know we just repurposed old people names lol,” said one commenter. Such is the nature of baby naming, and there’s even a term for this phenomenon: it’s been dubbed the “Hundred-Year Rule.” Basically, the most popular names from any decade will experience a resurgence in popularity in almost exactly 100 years, and you can look to today’s hot names as proof. We’ll use Hattie, for example; 100 years ago, in 1924, it was #149 on the SSA’s list of most popular girl names. It dropped off the charts completely in 1968, but it has rebounded with a vengeance — and as of the most recent count, was at #411 and rising.

Like everything else (Steve Madden platform slides, anyone?), names go in and out of fashion. We will accept, if a little grudgingly, that we now have “old people names.” But we’ll have the last laugh when, somewhere down the line, we’re introduced to our great-granddaughter … Erica Ashley.

From Afton to Whitney, here are a few perfectly posh and preppy names for your baby girl.

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