Positive Affirmations for People Who Don’t Do Positive Affirmations
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If you love the idea of giving yourself a boost but feel like a fraud telling yourself, You’re the best!, it’s okay—you’re human. “Many people see affirmations as magical thinking, that if you say, ‘I’m going to get that job,’’’ it increases your chances, says Kristin Neff, PhD, a research psychologist and author of the books Self-Compassion and Fierce Self-Compassion. But that sunny, fake-it-till-you make it attitude, which has been drummed into many of us since childhood, can backfire. “Saying, ‘Every day, in every way, I’m getting stronger,’ when you don’t feel like you are actually makes people feel worse,” says Neff, who writes in Fierce Self-Compassion that positive self-talk can tip into toxic positivity and “lead people into traps and dead ends like narcissism and continual comparison with others.”
That doesn’t mean you can’t be your own cheerleader—just that you have to find words that feel encouraging and true to you. Often, the ones that resonate are simple and honest, not overly bright and optimistic. We’ve gathered some helpful phrases for you, from psychologists, authors, activists, and other wise folks. Try saying one the next time you’re:
Going through a tough time
When she’s struggling, Neff silently repeats the following mantra:
This is a moment of suffering.
Suffering is part of life.
May I be kind to myself in this moment.
May I give myself the compassion I need.
In her book Self-Compassion, Neff explains that the mantra encompasses the three key components of (you guessed it) self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. The first phrase acknowledges that you’re in pain, even if it’s because you had a minor run-in with a coworker or your haircolor looks dull after you paid all that money for it. Those might not be life-altering crises, but any events that genuinely upset you “are moments of suffering, worthy of compassion,” writes Neff.
The second phrase reminds you that things not going your way—whether for minor or major reasons—is a normal part of human experience. The third asks you to be as kind to yourself as you would be to another soul in conflict. And the last line “reminds you that you are worthy of compassionate care,” writes Neff.
Afraid of failing
Do your best, even if it’s second best.
Those words come from staff sergeant Travis Mills, who dropped his backpack while on tour in Afghanistan and inadvertently set off an explosive device. He lost four of his limbs, and rebuilt his life as the New York Times bestselling author of Bounce Back.
Surprisingly, the mantra came to him not in combat but on a car ride with his daughter, who was teary-eyed because she hadn’t done as well as she’d hoped at a gymnastics meet. What she did do, he pointed out, was her best. “Coming in second is okay if you gave it your all,” he says. It’s also “a reminder that you can never be perfect.” The goal, he explains, should be to push past your own personal bests, not anyone else’s markers.
Being your own worst enemy
Scott Stabile, an empowerment speaker and the author of Big Love, offers this poem for moments when you can’t even with yourself anymore.
Either
all the
people
who love you
are totally misguided
or you’re extremely lovable
Simply switch the line “who love you” to “who love me.” The point is that even when you’re so angry at yourself that you can’t drum up a kind word, there are smart people out there who think you’re an irreplaceable gem who just happened to slip up.
Struggling up that hill
Another poem of Stabile’s, shared in his book Enough as You Are, reads
You are
some kind
of warrior
or you’d
never have
gotten this far
Put that in your back pocket for times when what’s ahead of you is so daunting that you forget all you’ve accomplished so far. Raising a teenager is hard? What about all the diapers you changed and tantrums you soothed? Three more treatments ahead? Well, you’ve got a routine set up now. Suddenly in the market for a new job? Make sure that résumé celebrates your accomplishments. Think about it: Since you were born, you’ve learned to walk and talk, work and love. You’re a hard-thing-doing machine. You’ve built a life. And you’re going to keep right on building, because it’s simply what you do.
Running on empty
“My favorite mantra for when I don’t have energy for affirmations with jazz hands is It’s good enough,” says wellness activist, cancer thriver, and New York Times bestselling author Kris Carr. That’s because striving for perfection “sucks the life force right out of you.” As she writes in her new book, I’m Not a Mourning Person, “Good enough keeps you from quitting on yourself.”
Carr found herself relying on “good enough” last Thanksgiving. “We’d recently moved, and though I had sky-high hopes of hosting the ultimate Thanksgiving dinner in our new home, I was exhausted,” she says. “So I used my ‘It’s good enough’ mantra to guide me. I brought out the good dishes, lit the candles, and ordered Chinese food. Cooking for eight hours wasn’t an option, but presence and connection were—and that’s the whole reason we’re here. It’s good enough!”
“Were people disappointed?” Carr asks. “Maybe. I know my husband missed the stuffing. But I learned long ago that you can’t please everyone. When you’re too focused on living up to other people’s standards, you aren’t spending enough time raising your own.”
At rock bottom
This scenario calls for a twofer, both of them courtesy of Carr’s dad: Hold fast and It will be okay.
Carr writes that Hold fast was her dad’s personal mantra, a nautical term that “to him, meant ‘Rough seas ahead, tie the lines, batten down the hatches.’” It acknowledges that you’re in the middle of a crisis, and you simply have to stay strong and do what it takes to get to the calm seas on the other side—because storms, by definition, pass.
The other unforgettable thing Carr’s father told her was, “It will be okay. I will be okay. It will be okay.” He spoke these words to comfort Carr while he, himself, was in the hospital, dying from pancreatic cancer, and she returned to them throughout the ordeal of losing a beloved parent. The phrase acknowledges that things are not okay right now, and that you don’t have to pretend they are. You just have to survive. And you will.
In need of some big you-know-what energy
You’re faced with a decision or dilemma or a situation that will disappoint someone—and you really hate it when people are mad at you. Take a tip from Miss Congeniality podcast host Eli Rallo, and remember one of her rules for honoring your life from her book I Didn’t Know I Needed This:
You are the CEO. Make your executive decision.
This is a positive spin on the buck stopping here, which let’s face it, it does. If you’re going to have to take responsibility for your actions (news flash: we all have to eventually), then you might as well give yourself a promotion.
Searching for your voice
There’s nothing much more intimidating than performing in front of a live television audience. So before Melissa Villaseñor, the first Latina on Saturday Night Live, went onstage, she would repeat—not to herself in the mirror, but to her friends in the cast:
I am important. I am allowed to take up space.
That ritual allowed her to slow down and make her presence known, rather than rushing through her scenes to let everyone else take center stage. Villaseñor is also an artist and author of Whoops…I’m Awesome. The book is full of her original drawings, including one of a cookie alongside a maxim we should all embrace in moments when we fall apart: Hey, some of the sweetest things crumble! In other words, even when you’re a mess, you’re sweet and delicious.
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