Here Are 13 Things Poly People Want Monogamous People To Know About Polyamory
I recently asked the polyamorous side of the BuzzFeed Community to share what they think monogamous folks should know about polyamory.
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Even as someone who knows a bit about polyamory, the responses were pretty enlightening.
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Read on to find out what they had to say:
1."Just because something is not right for you, doesn’t mean it’s not right for everyone or it’s bad. There is no right or wrong way to have a relationship as long as all parties consent."
2."I've been married for going on 23 years now and we've been poly since day one. It's not cheating. Consent is key. So is communication. It's only cheating if we have a secondary romantic partner 'on the down low' aka, if I start dating someone behind my husband's back and not tell him, or I don't tell the new lover about my husband, or vice versa."
"It isn't for everyone — if you get easily jealous, if you get easily insecure and are unwilling to convey such emotions to your S.O. then poly isn't for you. Poly isn't better nor is it worse than monogamy. Being poly is very different from person to person. Some poly people have several lovers and several one-night stands, friends with benefits, things like that. Some people, like my husband and I, are extremely choosy on who we get romantically involved with, just like how we were with one another. Being poly isn't something we think about every day, not here trying to collect lovers like Pokemon." —domoishikawa
3."I have a husband and two girlfriends, and I haven't gotten laid in years. And that's totally OK, because multiple partners does not mean that we are having sex all the time."
—LCF
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4."I've been in poly relationships with asexual people. Sex isn't required for relationships, and it doesn't make it any less important."
5."My husband and I have had our agreements in place for years, one outside interest. I guess we’re polyamory, but we just call it doing our own thing. This has taken a lot of communication and some arguments, but we have worked it out — and it works for us. We don’t advertise what we do and we don’t wave our polyamorist flags, if someone asks we tell them and calmly answer questions."
"What is funny is when people find out — how, mostly women, will start getting very judgy and even angry at me. one woman told me — I was messing it up for other women (I’m female). if it works for you, groovy. if it doesn’t, also groovy." —unrulyfemale
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6."That polyamory involves way more than 'couples.'"
7."Being poly takes a lot of work, and sometimes there are a lot of emotions at play. I'm not just doing whatever I want when I want, I plan a lot of my life around my partners so everyone gets equal time and is happy. We're not immune to jealousy or envy just because we don't experience it the same way or for the same reasons most people do. It's just a matter of being honest with yourself and your partners about your needs so you can manage it effectively."
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8."I've been happily married and polyamorous for almost a decade now, and a lot of people are surprised/don't believe me when I explain that the choice was mutual and not problem-driven. We weren't unhappy before, we weren't desperate for something new or different. It's something we felt good about together and have worked really hard on and through. It's been a huge boon to our relationship."
"And it's not always about struggling through jealousy — sometimes it's the opposite. I have a girlfriend who is expecting her first baby with her husband very soon and it has been WONDERFUL to get to support her husband in taking care of her. While some metamour (your partner's partner) relationships can be tough or competitive, they can also be loving, supportive, and rewarding.
Polyamory has helped me build a beautiful, diverse family, and I'm better for it. It's also not for everyone! Choose a relationship style that works for you, and your partner(s), with everyone's enthusiastic consent! <3" —kaitlins4a13ceba5
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9."I've been in a polyamorous relationship for 15 years now. I've been living with my partner and his other serious partner for something like 10+ years of that. We all have the freedom to see others if we want. Everything is open and honest. His other partner has become my best friend and travel buddy. It's not for everyone, and honesty and communication are key, but it can be wonderful when it works. During serious illnesses, we all have a great support system in each other. We live in a three bedroom apartment so we all have personal space. (People's first question is always 'Where do you sleep?' Sometimes I sleep with him, or she does or he sleeps alone.) Covering expenses and household tasks is easier with three people than two. They're my two favorite people in the world and I'm glad I had them to hunker down with during the pandemic."
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10."It’s honestly hard work maintaining relationships & even finding people to date. Just because we are poly doesn’t mean we just wanna hook up with anyone and everyone, we are still people with feelings and emotions, too. It’s a lot of communicating, planning, and checking in on emotions."
11."Many of us don't think being poly is superior to being monogamous, it's just what works for us. I've NEVER recommended polyamory to someone who wasn't into it, because they know themselves and what they can handle best. Just like I know what works for me best. Also, polyamory is not all about having multiple sexual relationships. To me, my queerplatonic friends are also my life partners, and I consider our relationships to be just as important as my sexual and romantic relationships. For me, being poly allows me to love who I love in the way I want to love them, without deeming someone more 'important' than everyone else in my life. And that's what works for me."
12."Consent is paramount. It's not cheating if everyone involved is consenting and playing by the rules agreed upon. And just because it doesn't work for you doesn't mean we have to hear your conservative opinion on it. Don't agree with open relationships? Don't have one. But it doesn't give you the right to inform us of your opinion — we don't care. If it works for someone, you don't have the right to question it."
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