'As A Plus-Size Woman, Dating Apps Have Always Been My Most Toxic Relationship'
Meeting a potential partner in the wild, meet-cute style would obviously be preferable to a mutual right swipe on Tinder. But in 2023, that tends to be a rare occurrence—as much as many of us would hate to admit, dating apps have become a necessary evil when you’re trying to meet someone new. I can relate to the disdain for dating apps, but largely for a reason that many people can’t relate to: I’m a fat woman.
When I explain to straight-sized people that dating apps are difficult for me because I’m fat, confusion is a common reaction. After all, what does my size have to do with dating? The answer is… everything. For people who exist in “normal” bodies, dating has its own set of difficulties and frustrations. For people like me, who live in bigger bodies, dating comes with a whole other layer of stress—especially when we use dating apps. As if fatphobia isn’t rampant enough in society itself, the attitudes and behaviors fat people have to endure from others in the dating world present completely new challenges.
As a plus-size woman, choosing both what I write in my dating app bio and the photos I use takes special consideration. Do I ignore the fact that I’m fat and just pick the prettiest selfies and most flattering group photos with friends, or do I intentionally use pictures that will make my size and shape abundantly clear? Do I mention that I’m plus-size in my bio, or that I’m “on a health journey” so people don’t think I’m super comfortable with my body as it is now? One might think that such a simple task shouldn’t cause so much frustration or anxiety, but in my case, those feelings happen more often than not.
Making sure my own profile accurately represents my body isn’t the only issue I have to take into consideration, either. Scrolling through other people’s profiles can sometimes feel like navigating a minefield of fatphobia; I’ve lost count of the amount of times I have seen things like “No fatties,” “There’s a weight limit to dating me,” or “Must be in shape” written in the bios of men on dating apps. While these attitudes are nothing new to me, it’s still incredibly disheartening to get rejected before someone even meets me, simply because of my weight. Not only that, but just swiping through so much vitriol and hatred spewed towards people like me can really break my spirit and self-confidence. I love myself and my body deeply, and I consider myself a pretty secure person, but one can only endure so much before it begins to wear you down.
Being in a bigger body is already challenging enough when I’m shielding dirty looks or judgmental stares in public spaces, but going on dates with new people I’ve met via apps is possibly one of the most nerve-wracking things I can do. When I’m on my way to a first date, my mind tends to be consumed with worries—whether I’ve accurately represented myself and my size, if the other person wants to meet me for the same reasons I want to meet them (a.k.a., not just a hookup), if they’ll be upset that I’m fatter than I seemed in my pictures, the list goes on.
Beyond the typical first date jitters, these thoughts become a mountain of anxiety—often leading me to feel like I can't be my true self on the date, because I feel the need to overcompensate for being fat. Although I’m used to it now, I really think this shouldn’t have to be the case for plus-size people. We should be able to just exist, feel comfortable in our own skin, and be given the same chance to make new connections as anyone else.
Navigating the world of online dating in a fat body comes with a lot of complicated emotions and considerations, but sharing who you really are with your potential matches is the best method to doing so, explains Dani Bryant, LMHC, licensed therapist and body liberationist. “Showing up authentically around fatness is to really embrace authenticity about how you present yourself, about how you talk about your relationship with food and your body, and really showing your quirky, authentic, magical self in all the ways you can.” Using photos that both represent my body as it is now and that make me feel confident and empowered has personally helped me to feel more secure on the apps, in addition to highlighting all of the other fun aspects about my interests and my personality.
When it comes to using dating apps as a fat person, Bryant also shares the reminder that our bodies and appearance are just one part of the whole—they certainly don’t make us entirely who we are. In using the apps to find a relationship or a partner, “you are looking for people who get you, who see you, and [who know] that your body is one piece of attraction and desire, but is not the full picture,” Bryant says.
In other words, while someone might automatically notice that I’m a fat woman from my profile, they also have ample opportunity to recognize that I’m a dog mom, a journalist, a big fan of spontaneous hiking trips, and a lover of alternative music. Knowing that my value lies in so many things beyond just my body holds me accountable to only matching and messaging with people I feel might deserve that time and attention from me. “They need to bring value to your life,” Bryant says of the people we match with on dating apps. “Of course, we don't always know that until we meet someone.” Approaching the apps with this mindset also encourages me to swipe with the intent of not just perceiving others based on their appearance, either—they deserve the same amount of respect that I’ve come to show myself.
About a month ago, I matched with someone on a dating app who interested me right away, and with whom I had a lot in common. Even with our similarities considered—like our socio-political beliefs and interest in music—I still had so much anxiety in the back of my mind that my photos weren’t really getting my appearance across accurately, and that if we met up, he would be disappointed to see what my body looked like. Of course, this was all irrational and ended up not being an issue at all, but was just a prime example of my perpetual experience while dating online. I’m lucky enough to have continued dating this awesome person since, and now, I know that he appreciates me and my body just as much as I do—but getting to a place where I could let that guard down took some time.
Even though I know that most people can bond over the universal hatred for online dating, it needs to be acknowledged that fat people, like myself, face an incredible amount of general nastiness when we’re swiping through profiles of potential suitors. Feeling like I’m getting less matches than others, only getting attention from certain users because they think I might be an easy hookup, and even being rejected or insulted because of my weight has gotten old—and genuinely shouldn’t be the reality. Those of us in bigger bodies deserve respect and are worthy of a love and appreciation that transcends our appearance, and I personally will never stop speaking out to encourage other fat women to be proud of who they are and how they look—on the apps and off.
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