Please Stop Asking Me “What I Learned About Myself” During Quarantine
I don’t mean to start a Whole Thing, but being single in quarantine is…the worst!!! I’ve hardly touched another human since February. It’s gotten to the point that I start to get all flushed during that brief skin-to-skin contact when a cashier hands me my change after I buy two White Claws to drink on my roof alone.
I’m basically in a constant state of yearning, but I’m not crushing on anyone in particular. It’s more like I’m longing for the idea of a romantic connection, for the concept of making out. (Yes, I’m a water sign.)
Which is all to say, I’m very much still using dating apps. Four of them, actually. I keep downloading new ones to try. But no matter the app, the messages are all the same:
“Hey.” (Hi?)
“How are you?” (How am I???)
“What are your weekend plans?” (Um, watch Netflix and maybe go to the park, what are you doing with your pandemic weekends?)
And a new one, my least favorite opening line: “What have you learned about yourself in quarantine?” Honestly, I’d rather get a boring, lazy “Hey.”
The first time I got this question, I basically sent back a rant: There is nothing good about a global f*cking pandemic that leaves hundreds of thousands of people dead, okay???
Now, several dozen similar questions later, I’m less shocked but no less annoyed. I try to turn the question back around on them: “I don’t think I’ve learned anything about myself. I don’t see any bright sides to quarantine! It sounds like you’ve gone through some self-discovery though?”
Their answers: They’ve learned to cook, they’ve formed new exercise routines, they’re enjoying not having to dress up for work, not being able to go out means they’ve saved money, etc.
And sure, I’ve also changed my routines and wardrobe and hobbies to fit my new work-from-home lifestyle. I haven’t worn an underwire bra since March and I’m on a 128-day Duolingo streak (my high school French teacher would be proud, oui?). But I don’t see these as “bright sides” so much as “necessary adjustments.”
I’m very privileged and very lucky. I’m white and cis, and I’m more aware than ever that this means I’m treated much better by the police and the health care system than BIPOC and trans folks. During the pandemic, I’ve been bored and lonely and anxious and stressed, but I haven’t experienced some of the hardships that so many have.
None of my loved ones have died and I haven’t lost my job or my health insurance or had my salary reduced. I’ve stayed healthy, and so have my family members; I’ve had a few friends get sick, but they’ve survived and recovered. I’m not facing loss of housing or food insecurity or domestic violence. I even get along with my roommates!
But I’m still asking you, people of online dating, to reconsider this question. Mainly because the person you ask very well might have been sick or lost a loved one or been laid off. But also because they might be an essential worker who is scared for their safety. They might have a mental illness that isolation has exacerbated. And even if the worst they’ve experienced is being stuck at home, reading terrifying news stories, why expect everyone to be thriving in quarantine?
For me, questions like this are an example of toxic positivity. It’s the idea that you have to always look on the bright side and ignore negative feelings, no matter what. But isn’t it better to be honest? If you’ve learned and grown and evolved during the pandemic, I’m happy for you, but that’s not me.
Now, I’m not saying you can’t talk about the pandemic at all. Instead, I’d suggest you consider questions like:
Where are you getting and giving support from in quarantine?
Are you involved with any mutual aid groups?
Do you support Black Lives Matter?
Are you planning to vote?
What’s your weirdest quarantine binge-watch?
What’s your go-to Zoom background?
Found any good bean recipes? I still have a dozen cans left.
I will happily discuss my recent rewatch of the 1999 classic Passport to Paris, the community library that’s forming near me, or how my Sims are doing (I turned them all into vampires). This is a weird new world, and we can talk about it! But I don’t want to act like it’s a good one. This is a global pandemic, not a time to flex on your newfound talents. Just getting through it is enough.
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