Labor Day just happened, which means we’ve already been buried under a pile of pumpkin-flavored treats. With that out of the way, we might as well blow right past Halloween and Thanksgiving to look ahead to Christmas. And while nothing signifies the holidays quite like candy canes, some of the, uh, bolder flavors on the market this winter might have you longing for a lump of coal instead.
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From the twisted minds at Archie McPhee’s, the people who brought the world macaroni and cheese candy canes last year, comes a new, somehow even more unnatural offering: pizza candy canes. Available in a set of six for just $6 (a steal!), this red- and yellow-striped confection is perfect for the pizza freak, or prank victim on your holiday shopping list this year.
According to Archie McPhee’s own product description, these candy canes are “like a little slice of Italian-spiced heaven, allegedly cooked in a candy-fired oven by Sicilian elves,” a fact immediately contradicted by a bullet point stating that they’re “not baked in a wood fire oven.” There’s no further details about the exact flavor profile of the candy cane: does “pizza flavoring” mean it’s inspired by plain cheese pizza, or are toppings in the mix? All we’re told is that we should trust the anthropomorphized pepperoni pizza slice on the package, who certainly doesn’t harbor any ulterior motives.
If for some reason this startling savory candy cane isn’t crazy enough for you, there seem to be other odd Archie McPhee’s flavors in the mix this holiday season as well. Among them are kale candy canes, featuring “the bitter grassiness of your favorite vegetable,” and “hamdy canes,” an idea so horrifying that it should’ve been killed the moment its name was first uttered.
So, if in a few month’s time you’re desperately searching for the perfect secret Santa gift to give that pizza-loving coworker you actively despise, look no further. This is exactly the you need to ensure they’ll never talk to you again. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good pizza.