What Is a ‘Pick-Me’? Here’s Why It Can Be Damaging for Kids

Here's what the viral term means and why it can cause issues.

Fact checked by Sarah Scott

There are few Grey’s Anatomy scenes that broke fans’ hearts more than when in season 2, Meredith Grey (Ellen Pompeo) implored Dr. Derek Shepherd (Patrick Dempsey), “Pick me, choose me, love me.”

While the iconic 2005 moment still makes my tummy flip, who would have thought that it might spur a potentially-damaging teen trend decades later? Although there are varying theories on where the term “pick-me” came from (some people think it grew out of a 2016 Twitter challenge), teens and experts alike agree that no one wants to be called a “pick-me.”

Of course, I had to appeal to my 13- and 15-year-old daughters to help me understand what it even means. As they explained, the label is usually given to girls who exhibit attention-seeking behavior, especially around a love interest. Think TTH (trying too hard), with an emphasis on actually changing how they act in certain situations so that someone might be into them.

Titania Jordan, the Chief Parent Officer at Bark Technologies and co-author of Parenting in a Tech World, shares more characteristics of a “pick-me” with Parents:

• Putting down other girls to look superior

• Acting in ways that others may find agreeable, but aren’t authentic, like saying they love football when they don’t

• Stating constantly that they’re not like other girls

• Subtly asking for attention or a compliment by saying something unflattering about themselves in front of others

If you want to get an even fuller picture of what a “pick-me” kid is, TikTok is flooded with content on the subject. Again, although any child can be a "pick-me," it's often geared toward girls. In fact, the #pickmegirl hashtag has over 3.8 billion views!

A creator who shares content using the handle @lala_sadii posted an especially enlightening POV video showcasing the behavior of a “pick-me.” Another creator, whose bio states she is “a manic pick-me dream girl,” and who posts using the handle @riribibi_, shared a take on what it’s like to go shopping with someone who acts this way—basically their behavior shifts immediately at the mention of a boy dropping by.

Why ‘Pick-Me’ Behavior Might Occur

The obvious question for any parent is why a child would feel the need to act this way, especially since the behavior is looked down upon by peers, and may lead to bullying and ostracization.

Scott Roth, PsyD, founder and clinical director of Applied Psychological Services of New Jersey, says, “This is a pivotal time in child development where tweens and teens are beginning to test the waters of independence and identity development.”

He adds that teens possess innate developmental egocentrism—something any parent of a middle school or high schooler can attest to.

“This can often be paired with social insecurities and overcompensation for these insecurities, which I believe pushes tweens and teens to act like a ‘pick-me,’” says Dr. Roth. "It’s also possible that kids may have received positive reinforcement for similar behavior earlier in life—and their actions never changed."

Meanwhile, Jordan points out, “No one thinks they’re a ‘pick-me’ girl. But for girls who feel insecure or need external validation, they may go out of their way to try and appeal to [others] at any cost.”

But here’s the rub: “They may not be conscious of their behavior, but other girls definitely are—primarily because ‘pick-me’ girls tend to tear down other girls in their bids for attention," says Jordan.

As such, "pick-me" kids end up becoming a target for teasing and bullying.

How Parents Can Help Their ‘Pick-Me’ Kid

It's not easy to hear your child is being labeled in a negative way in school, or anywhere. But having open conversations with your kids and teaching assertiveness skills can go a long way.

"Making sure our children have a toolbox of skills to deal with teasing or bullying is very important," says Dr. Roth. "When a child can learn that standing up for themselves does not mean they are rude or disrespectful and they are allowed to communicate their needs, you can often see a shift in how they approach their social world.”

That said, making sure your child is showing empathy to others is key, as is teaching them to feel good about themselves without seeking out external validation. Jordan says encouraging your child to be engaged in confidence-building activities such as sports, performing arts, or volunteering in the community, is a great way to foster this life skill.

Modeling behavior you want your child to emulate, such as being kind to others, is another way to help them understand positive ways to relate to others.

Meanwhile, if your child is perpetrating this label in school, social settings, or online, think about what that is telling you about their needs.

“When I think of the term ‘pick-me,’ it makes me think that there are always others who are not being picked and have resentment for that,” Dr. Roth says. “When someone is being called ‘pick-me,’ someone else is not putting themselves out there or seeking attention, and the negative feelings that this person has then get projected onto the ‘pick-me’ person.”

Ultimately, it’s important to remember that, as Dr. Roth points out, “Every generation has developed their own lexicon—it just so happens that this generation of teens has the means and methods to go viral.”

Such is the case with “pick-me,” which, of course follows a long line of labels that sadly, are usually assigned to girls. Just think “lala bop.” Since this trend probably isn’t going away anytime soon, perhaps it’s worth reminding our kids that they won’t be in middle or high school forever. And that they always have a safe, loving home to return to.

For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter!

Read the original article on Parents.