Have you ever kept a secret so embarassing or shocking, you refuse to ever tell anyone?
Well, recently Reddit user u/ive_never_been_loved asked this exact question, and people came THROUGH with their deepest secrets.
Now, there were definitely some darker responses that I'll let you peruse in your own time, but a ton of them were just funny. Here are some shocking — yet hilarious — secrets people have decided to never tell anyone!*
*Well, except for us, of course.
1."When I was about 7 years old, my dad took me to Blockbuster and I really had to pee. Blockbuster didn’t have a restroom, so I peed in one of the aisles. I’m pretty sure the cameras saw me, but thankfully there was no one near me."
2."I used to work in a shopping center. One time as I was walking into the building, I sneezed and totally shit myself."
"I was about 10 steps away from the shop, so I had to think fast. I took a hard left turn and walked directly into a department store. I only had $5 on me so I beelined for the underpants section and got the cheapest pair I could find. I then had to go to the center toilets and sort everything out. It was a real mess. I texted my boss and told them I was stuck in traffic, but in reality I was 100 meters away trying to salvage any shred of dignity I could for the next 20 minutes. I'm happy to say the mission was a success and that day is now the benchmark by which all other days are measured. Every day since has been infinitely better."
3."When I was 9, my dad and I were reading Reader's Digest and found a magazine subscription card for a free case of Depends adult diapers, so we wrote my uncle's name and address down and put it in the mailbox. He got it a couple weeks later and called everyone in the family to find out who it was. We knew my uncle was fuming, so we kept it to ourselves. To this day, everyone suspects that it was my other uncle."
4."I didn't know my best friend's name for almost 10 years. She goes by Katie almost exclusively, and [I] got it in my head early on that it was short for Katelyn. ... Imagine my surprise when I heard her being referred to as 'Kathryn' at our convocation. No right way to bring that one up in a conversation."
5."I jerked off with a pic of myself once."
6."Around 10 years ago, when I was a teenager, my dad (who worked in the video game industry back then) got a gaming laptop (worth around $3,000 at the time) as a gift [that] he didn’t have a real use for, so he gave it to me as I used to play World of Warcraft. ... He was very adamant about telling me to NOT put liquids (i.e. drinks etc) on my desk next to it as I’m very clumsy. So one night, I made myself a huge-ass bowl of cornflakes and put the bowl next to the laptop because I forgot my spoon in the kitchen."
"I sometimes put a blanket over myself when I was gaming, and when I got up from the chair that night, I somehow managed to flip the bowl over with my blanket and the milk FLOODED the open laptop. I got incredibly scared, turned the laptop off and cleaned it like my life depended on it and went to bed. I obviously broke the laptop as I didn’t get it to turn on anymore, but I was too scared to tell my dad what happened (especially since he repeatedly told me to be careful) and told him how I didn’t have any idea what happened and how it worked perfectly fine the night before. I still feel incredibly bad about it."
7."When I was in elementary school, I once lost something so I asked to go to the lost and found. In the lost and found room, which was a big storage closet, they also stored the Cokes for the pop machines. I took one. Then, probably 3–4 times a week, I’d 'remember' I lost something else and go steal another Coke. I don’t know how long I did this for, but I got a lot of free Coke."
8."Me and a friend were around 8–9 years old. ... We decided to build a base, as we liked to pretend we were soldiers, so we used to walk down to check out [the] base every day and stand guard at different posts. ... We heard that the dad of some of the girls in our class had made a little cabin in the woods nearby for them to play at. So we went over there and were awestruck how nice it was, with a real door with hinges, kind of a fence, and a window. So we discussed it and perceived it as a threat to our territory, grabbed hammers and a saw, and really went to work on destroying their cabin."
"Next day, we saw several of the girls mourning their clubhouse. ... We were too afraid of telling anyone, so we kept it a secret and were never caught."
9."When I was like 10 years old, I went to poop and my bunghole was really tight. I put my finger in it and loosened up a bit. It felt really good when I did that and continued for like 5 years whenever I went to poop. Until a week ago, when I realized I was fingering myself."
10."When I was in fourth grade, I put mustard in ... my friend's burger because he had told me that he hated mustard. Turns out, he was actually allergic. He didn't come to school for three days and I was scared that I killed him. To this day, no one knows that I did it."
11."Two days in a row when I was in the second grade, I pissed my pants, because the teacher had this policy where she wouldn't let any student go to the bathroom even during free time in class. The third time I spent a solid 10 minutes begging her before she finally said fine. I pissed my pants on the way to the bathroom. My family only knows of the one time, but I had to deal with that humiliation two times before and it was within the first week at school. After that, I had a water bottle that I pissed in during her class for the remainder of the year."
12."I put boogers on my little brother’s wall by his bed for years. He got in so much trouble."
13."I joined a Youth Corp international mission trip for rebuilding a typhoon-struck rural town in the Philippines. One drizzling night, my ass decided it wanted to defecate when all the guys were using the bathroom in our assigned area. I decided to take it to the female quarters, to a little bathroom just outside their bedrooms. After I was finished, I realized the toilet was only meant for liquids."
"It wouldn't fit. You'd have to cut it longitudinally just to make it, and it'd still be difficult. I didn't want any suspicion. I wrapped my hand with what felt like 1-ply toilet paper and grabbed the warm thing, made sure no one was outside, and threw it across a wall where I heard some karaoke going on."
14."During the eighth grade 'graduation' party at the water park, I was in the wave pool and thought I had to fart. Turns out I was wrong and got the whole pool shut down. Nobody suspected it was me."
15."In third grade, I thought it was cool as hell to wear glasses, but I had near perfect vision, so I absolutely bombed an eye exam on purpose. ... Now almost 20 years later, I’m legally blind without glasses because my eyes got so fucked. That’s my secret to take to the grave."
16."I nutted to the monkeys from the movie Madagascar and no one will know."
17."I cooked the family fries on a pan I used to decarb weed and everybody got high as fuck."
18."Probably 15 years ago, my sister had a gerbil, and one day I decided to bring it out of her cage and surprise her in the living room with it. Somehow I slipped on carpet and the gerbil went flying headfirst into the wall. It basically sounded like a threw a golf ball at the wall, and the gerbil wasn't moving."
"Naturally, I put it back in its cage and removed myself from the vicinity. To my amazement, the damn thing was still alive and moving around a few minutes later and lived another two years without anyone ever knowing that I basically Kobe'd it into the wall at full speed."
19."As a kid, I grew up in a small country community of 3,000 people. ... I had a crush on a girl who was two years older than me all the way through high school, and when I was 16, I found out she was my half sister as my dad had cheated on my mum."
"This only came out when she turned 18 and found out who her dad was, prior to that no one knew, and my dad and her mom had kept it a secret for 18 years. Completely fucked with me for quite a while that I'd had a crush on my half sister for a number of years."
20."When I was 13, a nefarious kid in the neighborhood was a shoplifter, and I had just started smoking. A new gas station just opened up, and back in the day (I'm showing my age here) they left cartons of cigarettes out in the open. Anyway, this kid would steal cartons. So I asked him to steal a carton for me. He said he would, but asked me what I would trade for it. He wanted my Game Boy, but I said I'd give him something better: one of my mom's rings. So I go to my mom's room, open her jewelry box, bust out a single diamond ring and give it to this asshole, and he gives me a carton of cigarettes."
"To this day, I keep telling myself it was costume jewelry to make myself feel better, but I honestly don't know. I'm sorry, mom."
21."When I was 17, my parents went on holiday. My car battery died, and I needed a new one. I borrowed my parents' brand-new sports car and drove it 20 minutes away to buy a battery. Because I was shitting myself about getting caught, I threw the battery on the leather seats. … Turns out car batteries aren’t sealed and it poured battery acid all over their leather seat. I smelled it, and in panic, pulled it off the seat and put it on the floor. It then burnt through the carpet. To this day, they blame my brother."
22."There was a guy in school who used to bully everyone. ... One day, I was sick, so I ... went to his room and peed in his water bottle. [I] threw the pee [out] but didn't rinse the bottle ... Felt really good later watching him drink from it."
23."My dad was single and a couple of my friends' moms were always bringing us food. My dad would say they were just being nice, because he was a single guy raising three kids by himself. My aunt picked me up from school sick, and we headed home. She must have known what was up and had me wait in the car. Both of my friends' moms came out half dressed and shit, with my aunt yelling at my dad. I never did tell out of fear. One mom was divorced but one wasn't, and I was afraid of tearing their family apart. [I] will take it to my grave."