People Shared Stories Of The "Dumbest Person They've Met," And Bless These People's Hearts
About 10 years ago, a redditor by the name of u/NoahtheRed left a comment about the "dumbest person" they've ever met. For the sake of the story, u/NoahtheRed named that person Kevin.
Other highlights:
"Kevin kept a bottle of orange Kool-Aid in his backpack for about four months. He thought it would turn into alcohol. He drank it during homeroom and threw up."
"Kevin regularly tried to cheat on assignments by knocking the pile over, grabbing one before I had picked them all up, and then writing his name on it wherever there was room."
And my personal favorite:
"Kevin didn't know dogs and cats were different animals."
That comment was so hilariously wild that it spawned a whole subreddit called r/StoriesAboutKevin, where people share their own stories of...let's say, "incompetent" people they've met. Here are some of the funniest, most unhinged stories:
1.The story of a Kevin who got fired on day one:
"He was a 26-year-old male and turned up an hour and a half late the first day. It was a small roadside cafe/eatery, so I thought I'd get him started on small duties to ease him into the way of the place. I ask him to put new toilet paper in the toilets — a minute or so later I hear him yelling, 'OP, it won't fit on the toilet roll holder!' I'm like what? That's a pretty simple thing. He calls out again so I tell him to bring it to me so I can show him — he's carrying a roll of paper towel. It's almost three times the length of the tp holder. 'Kevin,' I say, 'that is paper towel.'
'No it's not.'
'Yes, it is! Have you ever seen toilet paper that big in your life?'
'Uh...no.'
'Right, furthermore, and probably more perplexing — can you not see that this massive roll couldn't possibly fit on this small bar?'
'Yeah, I thought that was odd.'
Oh boy, well, the day goes on, and after the kitchen is pretty much closed except for pre-cooked baked goods, I get him to give a general clean and ask to make sure he wipes down all the benches. I leave him to it as I assume he's doing fine. Corr-ONG! One of the other staff comes and says we've run out of toilet paper, and I'm like what? That's not possible. Sure enough, all the packs are torn open and empty except for the rolls on the holders. At this stage I realize there can only be one culprit, and call Kevin over, 'Did you do something with the toilet paper?' WTF IS WITH THIS GUY AND TOILET PAPER?
'Yes, I used it to wipe down the benches in the kitchen.'
'You used EIGHT rolls of TP to wipe down the benches in the kitchen?! WHY are you using toilet paper to wipe down benches?'
'I don't like using the dish cloth.'
'WHO taught you to wipe down benches with toilet paper? Have you ever seen anyone wipe down benches with toilet paper?'
'The cloth was dirty, and I didn't want to clean it out.'
By this stage I'm thinking, day's nearly over, just let it go and I'm sure it will work out fine...yeah, you know what's coming. Kevin strikes again, and this time, it's beyond moronic. So I've got him on serving customers pastries and the like because all you have to do is take it out of the glass bay, put it on a plate, and give it to them — he doesn't even have to ring it up, just pop it on the plate and give.
Well, one of the customers orders three scones with jam and cream. He's behind the counter doing his thing, and I have a little peek and see, yes, he's cut them in half and managed to put jam and cream on them. About a minute later, the customer brings the scones back up to the counter. 'There's something really hard in these scones, I bit down, and it was like crunching on a rock or something.'
Of course I'm puzzled. 'Oh, I'm really sorry about that—' when Kevin cuts in:
'It's probably just the seeds in the jam.'
Now there's something about the way he says this that makes my alarm bells ring. 'Show me what you put on these scones,' I say, and I start marching toward the prep bench. Sitting on the bench is the bowl of whipped cream, and next to it, in a plastic bag, is a broken glass jar that contains the jam — the m@therf@cker is feeding the customer broken glass.
'I didn't think it would be a big deal.'
I grab the plate of mostly uneaten glass-infused scones. 'How is anyone supposed to eat this?'
To my utter amazement, he proceeds to EAT THEM, in front of me, all the while crunching on glass and flinching every time he does. I'm dumbfounded. When he finishes eating them, he says:
'Do you think I should go to the hospital?'
'You're fired.'"
2.The story of the Kevin who had heard about this super dangerous town:
"My sister turned 21 today so I have been mulling over some of her more extreme Kevin moments while writing a speech for her party. This is one of my faves:
About three years ago, my brother was about to move to New York (we live in Western Australia). My sister came up to him with a grave look on her face and asked if he was going to 'Gunpoint.' He was confused and asked her to clarify; she said that she didn’t think he should go there. My brother asked her if she thought 'Gunpoint' was an actual place, and she responded that she thought it was a place in NYC, and it didn’t sound very safe because people were always getting 'held up' at Gunpoint."
3.The story of the Kevin who brought her dog to the groomer:
"True story. A client just called for the price of a bath and nails. I ask what kind of dog. She says, 'I don't know what it is now, but when it grows up, it's going to be a black lab.' I was dumbfounded, literally. I ask her how old it was, she said it was three months, so I'm thinking maybe 20 lbs max, so I tell her maybe $20–$25. Swear to God, the lady brings 'Red' in, and he is a POMERANIAN. I said, sorry but this is a Pomeranian, and she tells me, 'Well, I know it's going to be a black lab because I have papers at home.' I pulled up pictures of labs and poms on the computer, and I still think she believes it's going to be a black lab. I'm going home to drink wine."
Getty Images, Faba-photography / Getty Images
4.The story of the Kevin who has a very odd set of beliefs:
"I may have married a Kevin. He initially doesn't strike you as a Kevin, because he had a very successful career working for a government alphabet agency. However, some of the things he believes...
Once this man gets a notion in his head, you cannot remove it with dynamite. If his mother or his teacher, Sister Mary Godzilla, told him something 50+ years ago, then that was Revealed Truth and could not be changed.
Sister MG told him men have one less rib than women. It has to be that way because God took Adam's rib to make Eve. I had to show him side-by-side images of male and female skeletons in a medical encyclopedia and make him count the ribs before he believed that Sister may have been mistaken.
Sister also told him that plate tectonics was 'only a theory, and since theory means guess there wasn't any truth to it.' You know how South America and Africa look like they would fit together like puzzle pieces? Sister told him that was just a coincidence. God made the world the way it was, and the bits didn't go floating around like ducks on a pond.
'Theory equals guess' also shot down the theory of evolution, the theory of relativity, and a bunch of other science things that didn't agree with the Bible.
However, he seems to have come up with a whole bunch of stuff all on his own:
— There can't be a volcano under Yellowstone Park because they wouldn't be dumb enough to put a national park on top of a volcano.
— Vaginas are just inside-out penises, so a woman who is using a tampon has to remove it to pee.
— When you burn a candle, only the wick burns. The wax just runs down the side of the candle holder. He had no explanation as to what happens to the wax in a jar candle.
— Meat is not the muscle tissue of animals, but something else called the flesh. He did not explain where the muscles go if meat is this mysterious 'flesh.'
— Meat also only comes from mammals. Beef is meat and pork is meat, but chicken and turkey are not meat. Nor is fish.
— Cows just spontaneously start giving milk when they reach adulthood. Having a calf every year to start the process has nothing to do with it. On the other hand, hens must have sex with roosters before they can lay eggs.
— The microwave and the toaster oven are basically the same appliance. And since you can put plastic things in the microwave, you can use them in the toaster oven as well. He only did this twice, though, since I really yelled at him the second time. He does seem to have grasped 'no metal in the microwave,' though, so I guess this is a plus.
5.The mom-Kevin who had a problem with phones:
"My dad and I were downstairs in the living room where the landline was kept. The landline rang, and my mom comes barreling down the stairs at top speed. The phone stops ringing. She goes back upstairs. A minute later, the same thing: phone rings, Kevin bolts down the stairs, phone stops, she goes back upstairs, this time audibly annoyed by the mystery caller.
After this happens for the third time in 10 minutes, we ask her what the hell is going on. Turns out she was unknowingly calling the landline from her new cellphone. Then, upon hearing the phone ring, she was hanging up her cell and running downstairs to grab the phone.
We haven’t been able to figure out why she dialed the landline number in the first place. She didn’t have an answer for that one."
6.The Kevin who thought she was bilingual:
"Austrian here.
My sister used to take in couch surfers from all across the world. Most were lovely fellas with interesting stories to tell. But one time, we hit the jackpot.
We got a set of four American stereotypes. The ones that I used to think were only real in movies — and one of them was an air-headed cheerleader who was one hell of a pain.
Since they're not relevant to the story, I won't go into detail about how rude and obnoxious Kevina behaved during the days leading up to the event — but let me tell you, at this point, even her friends were done with her.
It's New Year's Eve, the couch surfers decide to stay with us instead of going out into the city, and my sis and I go about our New Year's celebration the same way we always do — having fondue, dancing to 'The Blue Danube' and watching Dinner for One. Midnight comes and goes, and within less than five minutes, Kevina takes her laptop to the other room to video call her parents, leaving the door open.
And off she goes, complaining loudly about how my sister and I are 'embarrassing as foooock' (literally how she pronounced it), how 'that Austrian food we had suuuucked' (as much as I would love to claim fondue for our cuisine, the French would likely be opposed), how 'the mountains looked fake' and whatnot.
My sister and I were in the living room with the others, perfectly able to hear every single word while her friends turned red as tomatoes and started giving us apologetic looks. Cue Kevina's return — marching into the living room with the carefree attitude of the ignorant dumbass.
Kevina's friend: 'Uhmm... Kevina... we heard you. All of us.' Kevina: 'Sooo whaaat? I was talking Americaaaaan.'
My sister and I just looked at each other and started laughing so hard, it took us a few minutes to calm down. She had been talking to us every single day in English but somehow that was different in Kevina's world.
Her friends apologized profusely, Kevina did not because she just couldn't believe (even when we told her) that, yes, we do understand 'American.'"
7.The story of the Kevin who made a very, very bad move:
"A few years back, one of my husband's fraternity brothers stayed with us for a long weekend so he could attend some reunion-type thing. I'm fairly sure he's a Kevin.
Since hubby and I had a long-standing family obligation on Friday night, Kevin was left to his own devices in the house. I knew this wouldn't end well. Kevin went in the freezer for some ice cream, or maybe he was just being nosy. Anyhow, he saw some unlabeled tablets in a blister pack and decided they were drugs. Why? Who knows what goes on in the mind of a Kevin? Hubby and I aren't the types to have anything stronger than Advil in the house. Regardless, he popped a couple. After an hour or so of nothing happening, he decided to take four more.
When we got home, Kevin informed us that we'd better ask for a refund because those pills in the freezer were duds! What pills? The ones in our freezer? That's cheese curdling enzymes called rennet. I'd been going through a phase of learning to make my own cheese. Rennet is a necessary ingredient that comes in that form and is best stored in the freezer. It absolutely will not make you high. In that quantity, it will cause severe gastric distress best not observed in nature. I will never forget the sounds that came from the bathroom all Saturday.
Don't take mystery pills from the freezer, Kevin. They're not all gonna be drugs."
8.The story of the Kevin who made a $1,000 error:
"Kevin is a bass drum in our marching band. In addition to his usual band felonies (always being late to rehearsal, not knowing how time signatures work, dropping his drum on a daily basis), Kevin has committed a new and worse crime.
After 12 hard years of constant fundraising, our band finally bought new uniforms to replace our old ones from the '90s. These were not cheap: Each uniform came with a cost of about $1,000, not including the price of hats, gloves, and shoes. Because of the new uniforms, our band director drilled into us the 'no eating in uniform' rule, a simple enough rule to follow especially if we heard it dozens of times a day.
Our last competition of the year was in a large football stadium, and due to some timing issues, we wouldn’t be allowed to take our uniforms off between our performance and when we had to leave. Therefore, we would all have to wait an hour or so until we could get back to the bus and eat the dinners we had packed.
Kevin had different ideas. Apparently, he had shoved money in his uniform before performing and used it to purchase a large serving of barbecue chicken wings. He then proceeded to eat them in uniform, and was completely clueless to the giant orange stain going down the entirety of the front of his white uniform until my band director saw and freaked out.
Needless to say, it was a fun time, and Kevin was extremely confused as to what he did wrong. Hopefully, the dry cleaners can fix it, or our band is down a $1,000 uniform."
9.The Kevin who somehow missed the entirety of world history class:
"My now ex-wife was a bit of a Kevina. On one of our first dates, we decided to watch a movie and have dinner at my place. We decided to watch American History X.
So, anyone who has seen the movie knows the scene where Edward Norton starts screaming at his mom's Jewish boyfriend. Well, we get to this scene, and my ex-wife pauses the movie and — I s**t you not — says, 'So these Nazi guys and these Jewish people...they have an issue with each other?'
She thought WWII was just a movie she watched in the eighth grade."
10.The Kevin who really, really respected those road signs:
"I think it was sophomore year of high school when a friend outed himself as a Kevin. He seemed like a normal guy until one day when some of us were talking about the walk home from school.
Kevin said he hated his walk home because it took him almost an hour. I'd been to his house before, and it was only a few blocks from the school, so I asked why it took so long. Kevin explains that because of all the one-way streets, the walk to school is pretty quick, but to get home, he has to take a different, much longer route."
11.The Kevin who had a brilliant, time-saving idea:
"Oh the stories I have, I think my husband could be the king of all Kevins. One of my favorites is when he wanted to remove his back hair, but no one was around to help. His great idea was to get Nair body hair remover, spread it on the bathroom floor, and lay in it. I can picture all 6’4” 300+ lbs of him doing Nair angels in our bathroom.
He gets in the shower, rinses it off, and then goes about his day. He went to a work appointment, worked out at the gym, then picked up the kids from school. Our son asked him why he had a bald spot on the back of his head. OMG, he got Nair in his hair and had a perfect 3-shaped bald spot on the back of his head! After a few more days, more hair fell out, and it was a perfect 8."
12.The Kevin who was very convinced of her friend's family tree:
"I was preparing for my baby shower. Kevina asked who would be there. Upon hearing my 2-year-old nephew would be there, she said, 'I haven’t seen him since your wedding five years ago.'
Me: 'He’s 2. You have never met him.'
Her: 'Yes, I did at your wedding, he was the ring bearer.'
Me: 'My wedding was five years ago, he’s 2.'
Her: 'He was your ring bearer.'
Me: 'That was my cousin.'
Her: 'No, it was your nephew.'
Me: 'I only have one nephew, and he wasn’t born when I got married. The ring bearer was my cousin.'
Her: 'Your other nephew then.'
Me: 'I only have one.' I bust out a pic of my cousin. 'This boy is my cousin.'
Her: 'No, that’s your nephew, the ring bearer.'
I don’t remember what finally convinced her, but this went on for another five minutes."
13.The Kevin who did it not once, but TWICE:
"When I was in high school, some of the jocks decided that Home Ec would be an easy A. One of the jocks was an absolute Kevin.
So, the Home Ec class is learning how to use sewing machines. Kevin is sewing merrily away, with his thumb sticking out perpendicular to his left hand, putting it on a trajectory toward the needle.
Not surprisingly, he runs his thumb through the feed dogs and punctures it several times. He calls out to the teacher for help. She comes over and asks him, 'What did you do?'
Kevin replies, 'I did this,' and proceeds to repeat his actions, including going through the feed dogs and getting additional puncture wounds to his thumb."
14.The Kevin who alllllmost made perfect sandwiches:
"This Kevin has been in my life since age 6. We grew up as friends, and I have many stories; this one is my favorite.
Kevin got a job at a gas station/fast food place.
During his first week there, they were training him on the sandwich line. He said everything was going well, and he had the manager there with him to help him out. He finally gets his first customer. The guy orders a steak and cheese.
Keep in mind that a steak and cheese sub is Kevin's favorite food, and he makes good ones at home, so it should be no issue for him.
Kevin makes the man's sandwich, and even the manager comments on his good job making it. Right as he was about to wrap the sandwich, the customer notices that he forgot to cut the sandwich and asks Kevin to do it.
Kevin says, 'Oh ya, I forgot, sorry about that,' then proceeds to lay the sub down on its side and cut the sub long-ways.
The manager and the customer are now just both staring at Kevin in complete disbelief. Finally, the manager asks him why he cut the sandwich like that, and Kevin responds with, 'That's how you showed me.'
That was not how he was shown.
So the manager and customer at this point start to laugh about it. The manager explains that in no way, shape, or form were you trained that way. He tells Kevin he can keep that sub for himself and to make the customer another one.
Kevin makes another perfect sub and begins to wrap it up when the customer notices for a second time he didn't cut it.
Now, to this day none of us could figure out what went through Kevin's mind, maybe he thought it would get a good laugh, maybe he was super hungry and thought he would get another free sandwich. All we know is that he laid that second sub down on its side and cut it long-ways again.
Both the manager and the customer were upset by this point, and the manager sent Kevin away and made the sub himself.
Kevin was removed from the sub station permanently and made into a cashier that shift (which there are more stories about).
When I finally confronted Kevin about the story (other friends were around, too), I had to ask him:
'Kevin, if you had a long day at work and you're starving so you stop to pick up a steak and cheese on the way home, and right before they hand you what looks to be a delicious sub, they cut it in half like the way you did, would you accept that sub?'
Kevin emphatically said with a look of disgust on his face: 'F*** no! I wouldn't take that sandwich.'
He didn't understand our hysterical laughter."
15.And finally, the story of a Kevin with a happy ending:
"This is about a Kevin in my program at college. She was actually a pretty mediocre kid, mostly, for the first few years. She scraped by in classes, had a few friends, and more than a few moments of pure, unadulterated Kevin-ness. Several highlights include jumping off a two-story roof 'to see what would happen,' a complete inability to comprehend the difference between ice cream and gelato despite many attempts to explain it to her, and drinking an unspecified amount of espresso and spending the better part of an hour literally running in circles around the architecture building to burn off the energy.
At one point, a boy about a year ahead of Kevin in the program took an interest in her. Let's call him Sensible Sam (SS). SS and Kevin set up a date at a nice place just off campus. Kevin got understandably nervous before the date. Kevin's panic response was to drink an entire large milkshake immediately prior to meeting SS. Kevin is lactose intolerant. Kevin threw up.
For some godforsaken reason, SS kept dating her. They actually fell head over heels for each other, and stayed together for years, despite the fact that Kevin:
— Suggested a lovely little downtown place for dinner. Got horribly lost and could find neither the restaurant nor the way back to campus. Has lived in this town for years.
— Accidentally claimed to be single just after her and SS's one-year anniversary.
— Asked SS how to spell his last name. His last name is four letters. They had been dating for months at this point.
— Found a way onto the roof of the art building. Was not immune to getting in trouble after putting pictures on her Snapchat story instead of a group chat.
— Forgot her shoes on the 'walk of shame.' Twice.
— Tried to take SS to meet her parents. Somehow drove to the wrong state.
— Signed up for a class. Forgot about it for the entire semester. Failed because she never showed up.
SS proposed a week ago.
Still don't know why he deals with my dumb ass. I got lucky, y'all."
Have you ever met a "Kevin" like these? Tell us your story in the comments or by using this anonymous form, and your comment might be featured in a future BuzzFeed Community post or video!
