She Dug Her Nails Into My Bare Leg": People Share The Abusive Behaviors They Recognized From Their Partners, Family, And Friends
I recently wrote about how women discovered they were being love bombed in their relationships, and it's unfortunately common enough that some of you shared your own encounters with love bombing, as well as other abusive behavior in your personal lives.
UN Women / Via giphy.com
Because it's important to share them and raise awareness around this behavior, here are some of your stories of recognizing abuse in your own relationships:
1."My ex-best friend was an abusive alcoholic love bomber. She was super moody, then would do over the top grand gestures as an apology. She did all of the classic 'we have so much in common' things, but then if I had an interest she didn't like, I was wrong. One night, she was a major asshole because I took a little too long to get my shoes tied while she waited in the car so we could go out. Instead of waiting, she yelled at me out the car window about me being irresponsible or something, and then just took off — literally tires screeching as she drove off."
"The next night when I came home from work (we lived together at the time), there was a brand new iPod Nano on my bed with an apology note. She was drunk and throwing up in the bathroom, so I just went to bed. The next morning she was like, 'DID YOU SEE THE PRESENT, DO YOU LIKE IT, I'M SORRY I WAS AN ASSHOLE.' It took three tries of breaking it off to finally get her out of my life."
2."Mine was a very storybook romance. At first. It was so wonderful in the beginning, and after three months, he proposed. I didn’t want to break up, so I just accepted and told him we’d have a very long engagement. As soon as he put that ring on my finger, he revealed that he chewed tobacco and was on medication for mental health. That wasn't an issue, but he refused to show me or tell me what his medication was for. That same weekend, he accused me of sneaking someone in the house while he was in the shower and sleeping with them. It was so out of the blue, and it continued to get worse from there."
"There were so many random and ridiculous accusations, like I took 'too long' at the store so I must’ve been prostituting myself out. After another month, I gave him back his ring and left for good."
3."I'd just gotten out of a bad relationship. This new guy was very sweet in a way I loved at first — constant attention, compliments calls, texts, surprise gifts, and lots of romantic dates. I hadn't healed from my prior relationship and never experienced that much attention. Eventually, I needed some space. It got to be suffocating. He didn’t respect that. He would constantly be in my face with a camera taking pictures and recording, even though I hate those things. When I asked him to tone it down, he ignored me. He was in the army reserves, so things came to a head when he told me that he was being deployed to Iraq and he had no choice but to go. I was heart-broken but accepted it. Later, he told me he had lied. He actually didn’t have to go since he was offered an out because of health issues. He wanted to go to war because he couldn't turn down the opportunity to be seen as a hero, so he lied to 'protect' me. I broke things off."
"He claimed to be very religious, and insisted on praying all the time. When I explained my issues with religion, he again ignored it. He then started talking about getting married and having kids after only like two months. When I tried to talk to him about issues, he would just change the subject and start complimenting me.
I knew he had other issues I wasn’t seeing at the time but once he lied, and with all the other red flags, I had to end it."
4."Every word out of my ex's mouth felt like it was ripped from a romance novel. Now I realize that he was just going through the actions to build up my trust and affection. The breaking point between us was when he accused me of cheating. I was actually having a drink with my sister for her birthday, and my phone died. He couldn't reach me for two hours max, and suddenly I was a cheater."
"Never. Again."
5."I met this guy at a club and we hit it off. We exchanged numbers, and talked for a few hours the next day. Two days later, we went out on our first (and only) date. He was super sweet. He opened doors and pulled out my chair for me. The day after our date, I got up, had breakfast and watched a little TV. I had been up for about an hour, when I decided to check the caller I.D. and turn on my landline phone. He had called me 10 times in that hour. I though there might be some kind of emergency or something, so I called him back. After he answered and I said it was me, he literally roared, 'When I call you, you had better answer the GODDAMN PHONE!' I said, 'I don't think so,' and hung up."
"He called back several times that day, and when my dad got home, he answered and said, 'She doesn't want to talk to you again. I don't want to come to your place to explain it to you, but I will.' He never bothered me again."
6."I let an ex back into my life after 15 years. I shouldn't have done that. I was in an extremely low place and I think he could smell it. Every time I talked about something that mattered to me, something that he didn't 'feel like' talking about, he would interrupt me to give me a compliment and change the subject to 'how beautiful I was' or something like that. When I was 18 and we first got together, I thought we were so romantic — no one really ever told me I was beautiful, so it made me feel incredible. Now, I see it for what it was: A blatant manipulation so he could always have control of the situation and the topic."
"I confronted him about it, and he said I was being 'emotional.' I got out of that real quick."
7."It was a high school relationship and he was my first kiss, so each time he tried to take it a step further, I always hesitated. Whenever I would tell him I wasn't ready for something, he would instantly start acting like his feelings were really hurt. He'd repeatedly ask if he'd hurt me and tell me he felt awful about making me uncomfortable, until I either gave in or one of us had to leave."
8."My father would harshly discipline me. He once dragged me by the ear and literally threw me outside onto the back porch late at night. If I wanted to run somewhere, I would have to run through the house where he was waiting. I considered running to the neighbors, but I would've had to run through the house and he would've caught me. After about an hour of me sitting outside in the cold, he came over and started apologizing, trying to hug me, trying to coax me back inside with promises of buying my favorite food and new toys."
"When that didn't work, he physically tried to drag me back in but I didn't budge. By that point the abuse was already pretty bad, so I knew not to trust a word that he said. He'd always apologize, then go back to being abusive a couple of days later."
9."I grew up being constantly terrified of doing something that would set my mom off. It didn’t matter if it wasn’t my fault, or something small like accidentally spilling water. I always had to agree with what she said. If I didn’t do it enthusiastically enough, she’d freak out."
"Now that I'm grown up, I apologize for everything all the time, even when I didn't do anything. I'm conditioned by fear."
10."I didn’t know what love bombing was when I met Matt online. He immediately showered me with expensive gifts and dates. We went out for our anniversary and he ordered a $600 bottle of wine. I was so embarrassed when he announced out loud to the restaurant that we’d been together for a whole... eight weeks. He convinced me to turn down a promotion at work because 'that income would go straight to taxes' — wouldn’t I want to stay home and have babies and take care of him instead? He took me ring shopping and then planned a trip to Disneyland for us. He specifically asked that the ring be ready in time for our trip and he insisted on us setting a wedding date: August 12th, 2006. But he never proposed. Instead, things took a turn."
"One day, he purposely showed up late to pick me up because apparently I made this face when he was late and he wanted to show me in a mirror what it looked like so I’d stop. Yet, I had to be completely ready and on time always.
Things got worse when I had to go on a work trip without him and my phone died. I called him as soon as I got a charger, but he was so angry. It was enough to make him to suddenly book a solo trip around Asia — he left on my 25th birthday. While he was gone, he emailed me to say that he wanted us to go on a break. I replied that we were done and he called me sobbing from South Korea. He was so upset that his hostel let him use their phone to call me and beg for me back.
Eventually, we broke up. He spent a year and a half after that showing up to my work, trying to win me back but also pushing me away.
I hope he has the life he deserves now."
11."I remember in the beginning of our relationship I was so infatuated with him. He was so charming and funny and sweet to me, I was so convinced he was 'the one' because I had never had someone be that loving to me. Oh, how quickly he turned. We started talking in the summer, when most of the love bombing went on, and started dating officially in the beginning of September. Later that month, I had all of my friends over to my apartment for my birthday. He literally had me crying in his car, while all my friends were inside because I did something wrong to make him upset on MY birthday. So he went home and I had to go back inside to explain to all my friends why my new boyfriend left me on my fucking birthday."
"I don’t remember what I did, but I know it was something that made my friends immediately know this guy was not a good person. When we broke up 10 months later, they all told me that was the moment they knew we eventually would."
12."My grandparents physically and mentally abused me as a kid. They would starve me for days at a time, hit me, tell me I didn’t deserve to live, and even killed my dog in front of me because I refused to eat something they made. Then, they would buy me clothes and shoes, and give me care packages as an 'apology.'"
"I felt so guilty for the longest time. I thought I was the problem and deserved it."
13."Friendship love bombing hits different. She treated me like the best person in the entire world and wanted to learn everything about me. Little did I know, it was all going to be used against me in the times when I even slightly drifted from her. I couldn’t even mention another friend in her presence without her sulking and trying to get me to tell her that they weren’t as good for me or as important to me as her. For a long time, I tolerated it due to intense feelings of insecurity, terrible mental illnesses that plagued my self-esteem, and a very deep rooted fear of being unworthy and incapable of being loved. I was literally being flown in an air ambulance to an eating disorder treatment hospital due to the severity of my anorexia when I needed her most. Instead, she completely ghosted me and made me out to be the bad guy to everyone back home."
"It literally wrecked my outlook on relationships and still sticks with me nearly two years later."
14."My ex had tried to 'impress' me with spending upwards of half a million quid on photography equipment — camera, professional lenses and the like, since he knew I enjoyed photography. I finally broke up with him when he tried to plagiarize my work after I had won a national level writing award, thinking it might get him somewhere."
"His mum is still in my DMs four years later, thinking she can blackmail me into getting back with him because 'I sent her darling boy into debt' or something. I'm in a better relationship now."
15."I once dated a guy who treated me great when it was just the two of us, but would humiliate me in front of his friends. He was a Marine during the second Gulf War and had already been on one deployment by the time I met him. He was very hot, and we had gone to the same high school. When we were dating, he would want me to drop everything to come see him at his base two hours away, because he 'might get called up at any moment.' I was still living with my parents and my dad disapproved, so I wouldn't be able to. I wouldn't be surprised if he cheated on me when I wasn't around. He was a bit of a sociopath and narcissistic, but I so much wanted to be with him at first. He treated me so badly, but I stuck around for two or three months before I broke up with him over the phone. He screamed at me for that."
"His last words to me were, 'Always roll sevens.'"
16."My dad and mom would beat the shit out of me, then always come back to apologize and tell me they love me. One day I said, 'You’re not sorry. If you were, you wouldn’t do it anymore. You’re lazy and can’t control your emotions. You’re abusive people.' That made it stop. For a while."
17."My last relationship was with a guy who always planned extravagant trips, exclusively wore suits, cooked great food, was romantic, and a gentleman. But every time he upset me with a stupid comment and I composed myself because I wanted to talk about it calmly, he accused me of being ungrateful and not realizing what he was doing for me. He said I wasn't saying thank you often enough."
"I told him at the beginning I was very chill person, and we didn't have to fancy dates. I value spend quality time, but he's the one insisted on doing these things."
18."The most surprising form of love bombing I’ve ever received was from a new friend I met on a plane. She and I instantly clicked and grew close very quickly especially after learning we lived close to one another. She treated me like a celebrity, I thought it was so sweet. After knowing her about a year, the abuse started happening. One time, she dug her nails into my bare leg while out to dinner so I wouldn’t say something she didn’t like. She also never wanted to meet any of my friends or do anything I wanted to do. It was always her terms and her friends we hung out with. And she wasn’t like this with her other friends. Only me."
"She helped me realize I have an issue with setting boundaries and if the wrong person catches wind of this, I can easily get taken advantage of."
19."I’m currently in a love bombing situation. I didn't realize it until it was too late. We’ll be together for six years this June, and we've been married for two years. I consistently thought things would get better, but it’s gotten worse. Now, I get shamed for going to the doctor because we can’t afford it. We bought a house together thinking if we got out of our previous situation, things would be better. He’s cut me off from my family, so I have to sneak out to see or talk to them. I barely have contact with friends. The emotional roller coaster is unbearable, though doing research on his narcissistic personality disorder helps me cope. I'm working to get out."
"I was so hungry to be loved the way I should, but the slight happiness isn't worth the pain and heartbreak that occurs daily."
20."My ex would compliment other women and tell me stories of how romantic he was with his exes, yet wanted to slow things down with me. One time, he wanted to get married because that's what his mom said. I said no because he didn't have a stable job, and suggested we postpone the engagement. Then came the manipulation. He'd break up with me, only to say sorry the next morning. He stopped by my dorm, stalked me, blamed me for his mom's sickness, called me names, then showered me with gifts."
"When we met, he told me that his father left him and that he was rejected by people for his poorer background. At the same time, he really wanted to suck up to his rich 'edgy' colleagues he met at school, and he tolerated them making fun of me. He also flaunted me at weird occasions such as his ex's wedding and his school reunion. He often said things like I should be grateful for him because he tolerated my needy self and that he was a 'considerate gentleman.'"
21."I had no clue what love bombing was until after I had been in the relationship literally for years. I was so happy in the first year. I even wrote a prayer thanking God that at least once in my life, someone loved me like he did. I used to think of it as he 'delighted' in me. I didn't pick up on the little hints, and now I see there were so many. Like when I went out at 2 a.m. to an after hours club — he told me he and his friend had been sitting at the end of my street watching my house. They tried to follow but lost me."
"It's sad to think that if anyone cares about me like that again, I'm not going to believe it."
22."My ex-husband seemed to be the sweetest, kindest, most affectionate, most romantic man in the world...until around our first wedding anniversary. By the end of our marriage, we had not slept in the same room in nearly 20 years and he treated me like a piece of furniture. On the day I walked out, he sent an email telling me how much he loved me and asked me to try therapy. He showed his true colors again pretty quickly though, when he was furious that I went to a dinner party with my work friends on a Saturday night. Game over. I haven't seen him in person since March of 2020, and our divorce was final later that year."
"Probably the best decision I've ever made."
23."For the better part of a year, I was so head over heels for this guy that I would do anything for him. I drove him places because he didn’t have a car, 'helped' clean his room and entire apartment, wrote op-eds for his job because he couldn’t find the motivation for it, went out of my way to get food for him, helped get him into law school, and even took care of him after a minor surgery. When we first met, he was so charming and thoughtful and sweet. But he always insisted he didn’t want a relationship, and soon he started calling me names, saying I was toxic and manipulative and mean. If there was a misunderstanding, somehow I lied to him, and he refused to listen to the explanation. He always claimed I spread lies about him to my friends. Whenever I had almost had enough and thought about leaving him, he would shift and turn the charm back on, promising that we would do fun things as thanks for all I had done for him."
"I remember one time in particular he was being particularly cruel, so I stood up to leave crying saying I had had enough. He grabbed me, pinned me to the bed and refused to let me go even though I asked over and over for him to get off of me. He wouldn’t until I looked at him and he promised he would make it up to me, and then cuddled me saying how much better than him I was. And I remember in that moment I didn’t care about all the hurt, because when he was sweet and caring it felt so good.
I feel so pathetic now thinking about everything I did for him, but I really thought I loved him and he would feel the same given enough time. They really know how to play games with your heart."
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
