"When Hanging Out, It's Like Defusing A Bomb": People Share Signs That Your "Friend" Isn't A Real Friend, And It's Eye-Opening
Oftentimes, we're more forgiving of our friends because we care about them, and we try not to take any not-so-great behavior to heart. Because of this, it can be trickier to notice red flags in friendships, let alone realize if they're actually not a good or real friend to you.
HBO / Via giphy.com
As such, u/dragonXgal asked, "What are red flags in a friendship most people brush away?" The question generated conversations in the responses, with many people sharing the red flags they've noticed, and others opening up about how said red flags played out in their own friendships:
1."When you hang out with them, it feels like you're defusing a bomb even when nothing's going on right then. I gave up on one friend due to his need to yell at me over the smallest things."
NBC / Via giphy.com
2."Really jealous and possessive friends. I'm a jealous person by nature, and even though my jealousy flares up when I see my friends hanging out with other people, I would never let them know. Why? Because I don't want them to feel bad about doing the things they love (e.g. having a social life outside my little world). If a person tries to box you up because they want you all to themselves, it's not proof of love or companionship. True love — in any kind of relationship whether between friends, family, or lovers — is shown by respect and allowing the other person to have free will."
3."'Good vibes only' friends. That mentality is fine to have with yourself, but you can't force that on others. My best friend adopted this attitude. From then on, whenever I'd come to her for support or advice on an issue I was having, she'd cut me off and say, 'Ah, ah, ah! Good vibes only, remember?' I was bringing her down. Because I thought she was right and that I was burdening her, I put up with it for a long time. But then, I finally realized that that's not how real friends act. They're supposed to support and help each other."
ITV Studios Global Entertainment / Debmar-Mercury / Lionsgate Television / Via giphy.com
"Alternatively, some people set up boundaries because they are going through something themselves and can’t help someone else at the moment, or because that the person will only come to them for negative things. I completely agree with doing that. Neither extreme is a healthy friendship." —u/am71133
4."This is subtle and a bit counterintuitive, but beware of the rescuer-martyr. The person that's always rushing out to help and give everyone else their all — whether or not it's needed or whether or not the recipient is comfortable with it. They are good people, very well-intentioned, and saintly in their generosity with their time and energy. However, it sometimes goes to the extreme, and then it’s more of a symptom of a toxic cycle wherein they only find meaning and self-worth when they are saving someone. Maybe they keep swooping into other people's lives to fix things in hopes that someone will do the same for them. They may have good intentions, but they tend not to have good boundaries. They get overinvolved in your life, take on way too much, and make everyone's problems their own. They end up overwhelmed, mired in drama, and resentful. Then, they become the martyr."
"The problem with being friends with this type of person is that you're not in an equal friendship where you like each other, enjoy spending time with each other, and, support each other through when there happen to be a down.
It's more like you're a project, everyone's a project, and once you stop being a project, you're now their support — not just for them and their own problems but part of the fire brigade for their other projects (which they’ve internalized as their own problems and drama)." —u/WeddingElly
5."Friends who are good to you when one on one but constantly put you down in group settings. This is a big sign of insecurity or jealousy."
Paramount Pictures / Via giphy.com
"I have a friend like this! I'm a guy and am very good friends with a girl from my class. One of my other friends has a crush on her, and every time I'm with her, he tries to put me down or point something out about me. It’s so annoying, it’s like I can’t be friends with her in his world." —u/V1tuss
6."Continually feeling like you want to say something but should hold your tongue."
"This has killed a couple of friendships of mine. It wasn't so much their series of fucking HORRIBLE choices, it was the expectation that I be 'supportive' by shutting up about it. That expectation was at least 50/50 theirs and mine.
I admit that I really dislike confrontation and would usually rather go along to get along, but biting my tongue for so long, I eventually started resenting them and choking on all my feelings." —u/kittenluvslamp
7."When you see you got a private message from them, and your gut reaction is to start getting nervous or anxious, like, 'What is it this time?'"
Warner Bros. Television Distribution / Via giphy.com
8."If anything y’all do together is always steered towards what they want to do. It's easy to miss initially when you're getting to know their likes and interests, but once you know them, it becomes clear that they're just using you as some kind of emotional or physical accessory. I had a friend like this for a while. We always did what he wanted, and he just wasn't that interested in what I liked or enjoyed. He'd sort of rope me into whatever he wanted to do, and I progressively got to the point where I felt like I was being used."
"After a while, he pressured me into sleeping over at his place, I obliged as we'd been drinking, and I didn't feel great about driving home. He took my keys and said something to the effect of, 'You'll get these back in the morning.' He wanted me to share his bed — which I've done before with many other guy friends, so it wasn’t abnormal. However, it was the way he said as I was laying on the couch that made me uncomfortable.
He then asked if I wanted to cuddle, and I politely declined. It then clicked for me that I was only there to fill a need for him. If it had been one of my other close guy friends who reciprocated my interests and needs, I may have been comfortable. I realized he wasn't interested in me for me, only in what I could provide him (i.e. emotional or physical attention). To be honest, I don't think it would have progressed beyond cuddling (I was in a relationship, too), but the way he pressured me made me feel used and uncomfortable.
I peaced out the early next morning and kept my distance from him after that. It took me a while to work up the courage to tell my girlfriend about it because I felt stupid for being in that position and feeling used. Moral of the story: Respect yourself enough to watch out for your own interests and needs. Just because you want to be a friend to someone doesn't mean you have to be or that it's the best thing for you." —u/vudoomamajuju
9."Friends who gossip excessively. If they're talking about other people, chances are they're talking about you."
10."If you have had a friend for a long time, but you only seem to be able to talk about memories in the past. Each time you get together or exchange messages, it's like, 'Remember in high school...' or 'Remember that time when...' Fondly reminiscing about the past, crazy stories, inside jokes — those are the foundation of any solid long-term friendship. But when that's the only extent of your communication, it becomes a red flag. It could be a sign that you both have grown apart and do not have much in common today that you can connect on. It's a red flag that most people ignore because it doesn't seem like a red flag — until you really analyze and think about the depth of the conversations you are consistently having."
"I look at it from this perspective: If you were to have an intimate discussion on your future hopes, goals, or just confiding in each other, would it feel forced, awkward, or unnatural? If so, it's likely because you both can't relate to one another — that's when I think it's a red flag." —u/Intersectaquirer
11."Being dismissive of all your interests and achievements. Meanwhile, everything they do — no matter how mundane — is amazing."
VH1 / Monami Productions / Eastern TV / Via giphy.com
"I had a friend like this. She literally blocked me on social media when I was doing well at my job because she 'couldn't be happy for me.' Then, she sends me messages on a weekly basis about how great her very ordinary office job is." —u/seachord
12."People that send you screenshots of private messages with other people. Guess what? Your private messages are being sent around, too."
13."When they call you only when they need you, and you feel guilty for getting mad because they've had a rough upbringing or something. You feel like a bad friend and like maybe you're overreacting — because, you know, they’ve been through a lot. But still, you want to vent to them about your problems because they might be able to sympathize — but then you think that their problems have been worse than yours, so you really can’t complain because, in comparison, you don’t have shit to complain about. "
Roc-A-Fella / Def Jam / Via giphy.com
Additionally, they don’t call you or text you for a few months — but suddenly, they get into an argument with somebody, and they’re always in the right, and they need somebody to reassure them that they deserve better." —u/toothpastenachos
14."I find that there are some people you call when there's a party, and some you call when there's a problem. It's about expectations, knowing what kind of friend this person is, and either accepting it or not. Now, cutting you off to make it clear they aren't interested in your problems — that's another level, that's a jerk. However, a friend whom you can't expect to be there when it isn't fun is not necessarily a bad person or a bad friend — they're just not a great friend. It's not such a bad thing to have friends who'll always show up to hang out, and then have different (and probably fewer) friends who will hang out and be around for things that aren't fun."
"Heck, when I think about it, I'm each of those kinds of friends to different people. There are people who, if they called me for anything, I'd be there. Then, there are people who probably don't have that expectation and only invite me to things that are fun." —u/Catshit-Dogfart
15."They only talk to you when all of their other friends are gone."
"My 'best friend' in high school did this with boys. If she was dating someone, I was invisible. I can only think of one guy she dated where this didn't happen." —u/pizzapeople31
16."Always asking for favors but never being there when you need them to return one."
CBS Television Distribution / Via giphy.com
"A friend of mine always messaged and called me for support. I would pick up right away, spending hours trying my best to be there. Then, as I'm going through a rough period, she tells me, 'I'm really busy, and I'll try to make time for a call,' for over a month. It definitely doesn't feel nice." —u/canadianindividual
17."My 'best friend' in high school once specifically requested that I post a picture of us for National Best Friend Day. I asked if she'd be posting a picture of us, too, and she responded, 'No, I have a lot of best friends, but I'm your main best friend, so you should post a picture of us.' The next couple of years were full of backstabbing and gaslighting, complete with occasional fallings out. We finally stopped speaking, and looking back, I can't believe I didn't see it coming."
18."One-upper friends."
"I was shopping and a cute girl just said 'hi' while walking by. Just a 'hi' made my day, so I was telling my friend about it. He said, 'Nice,' and then told me how yesterday, a sexy coworker just came up to him and kissed him. Reason: 'She just wanted to'. This was the moment I realized he is full of cow excrements." —u/not_again123
19."It may be more of an annoying trait than a red flag, but when a friend is being cheap. Whether they're constantly skipping out on their round in the pub, never chipping in for the taxi, or just being miserable with money, it's an awful trait. To be honest, saving a few dollars by being cheap will cost you your friends in most cases."
United Plankton Pictures / Nickelodeon Animation Studio / Via giphy.com
"When they mooch off you excessively, it becomes clear that they're just taking advantage of you is when enough is enough! Sadly, my cheap 'friend' that comes to mind is someone that brags of making way more money than I do. And yet, I'm always covering her for a new reason. I'm glad to say that I recently had a talk with her and set her straight." —u/chappiethecat
20."Friends that don't let you have any other friends and require 100% of your time when they can't give you the same."
21."Friends who are always happy to talk about themselves but never once ask you how you're doing or engage you to talk about yourself."
22."When they pressure you to do things for them (or in a certain way) and act like you were on board the whole time — that's coercion. Or, when they say they are 'holding you accountable' for something you never wanted in the first place — that could be gaslighting. Similarly, when they take the 'high road' when you get angry that they won't respect your boundaries — they're playing the victim."
CBS / Endemol / Via giphy.com
23."Inability or unwillingness to apologize when they do something wrong. It’s symptomatic of an ego issue that will eventually infect every aspect of your friendship."
"I had a 'friend' like that who always managed to put the blame on me. It made me so frustrated that, at one point, I snapped when a common friend of ours experienced that same toxic behavior. She found out later and got super mad at me for 'trash talking' her." —u/jp_basketball
