Here's How Online Dating Has Changed According To People Who Have Been Doing It For 10 Or More Years
I'm coming up on about a year since the last time I gave dating apps a sincere shot, and it got me thinking about my overall, 13-year online dating journey.
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A lot has changed in that time, but I'm only one person, so my experience isn't everyone's, and I was curious about what it's been like for other people who have been using dating sites and apps for 10 or more years.
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So I turned to the BuzzFeed Community, and for the most part, the responses I got make me feel like if I ever started online dating again, it'd be too soon:
1."People are less interested in actually putting in some effort to get to know you these days — I often see 'I don't want a pen pal.' Well, I don't wanna meet someone who is probably a weirdo immediately."
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2."I’ve been dating for so long I had a personal in the newspaper! (Back in '95? '96? I was 21-22 years old.) Then came chat rooms, websites, apps…tried 'em all. So. Many. Dick. Pics. I’ve met good guys and bad guys, flings that turned into friendships, and a couple of relationships, but none that led to living together/marriage. It was always my dream to find love, get married, and have kids…but it never happened. There are times of sadness of that dream not being realized, but it is what is. I’m much better off being independent than settling for someone or getting married to someone who I’m not compatible with."
3."I'm 42, married, and have not done online dating for four years, but when I started online dating back about 15+ years ago, most people were actually looking for a partner. There were fewer sites and fewer choices, and I had better luck with guys putting effort into it and actually trying to find a partner.
"I really noticed that die out over the years, and people became more and more focused on looking for the 'bigger and better deal.' And once I hit 35, it was like my chances dried up overnight, and I started getting way fewer responses! I'm married now, but were something to happen to my husband, I don't think I could stomach trying online dating again."
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4."Message length for sure; it's rare to get even a partial sentence these days."
5."I tried OkCupid way back in about 2008. It was an absolute mess. Granted, most sites for social connection were still pretty rudimentary. This was when Facebook just started becoming publicly available and Myspace was still going pretty strong.
"It was not a fun place to be, because it was like trying to navigate an online people market, and you kind of just assumed everyone was a 50-year-old creep who was catfishing.
"When I got out of a serious relationship in 2014, I was floored to see dating apps. Tinder was the one I chose, but I never went on a date with anyone I met. Then later that year, Bumble came out, and it was kinda revolutionary.
"After that, I gave them a break until 2017. By then, I'd heard about Hinge. I used them on and off through 2021. The 'marketplace for people' thing hasn't changed, but apps make it easier than actual dating sites to kind of view people as commodities on paper instead of people, because on sites, you have more opportunity to actually write as opposed to just answering prompts to go with pictures. I think it's easier to find people who are already in your extended friend network, which may lead to a better chance for success.
"I don't know if I'll ever go back to online dating though. If you meet online and don't get together in person within about a week, I feel like chatting creates a false sense of intimacy. If you don't feel the same attraction when you meet in person, that intimacy can be hard to dial back. I've gone on dates after weeks of chatting, and their physical presence didn't match what I'd created in my mind, and it definitely threw me.
"I don't yuck anyone's yum about online dating, but I don't think the change in the environment has made it more appealing for me."
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6."Websites and apps might have changed, but people's mentality is the same, same people on every app, plenty of 'ghost profiles,' weird personas are more confident than the genuine ones looking to be loved.
"I honestly have no idea what people expect from 'Hi, how are you?' kind of messages; it just doesn't translate from real life to online life. I've used pretty much every website there is throughout the years. I ended up in a few good relationships, I had spectacularly shitty dates, I was assaulted on a date, etc. Yet, I'm still trying but not sure if I still believe there's someone out there for me."
7."The apps and sites were simpler. I had more luck, but maybe just because I was young. I'm just lost now."
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8."So I've been using Tinder for about 10 years now. I've noticed that profiles used to be more adventurous, and some very (unintentionally) funny; I'd compile tons of screenshots and have a blast showing them to my friends. Now most people are very much content to just post three (bad) photos and their Instagram account.
"I also seem to be getting ghosted mid-conversation way more often. My guess is that people are matching with hundreds of other people but not actually engaging with anyone. It's bleak, but being queer (and not having tons of options of where to meet new people in the real world), I've no idea what's the best option to find actual dates (not hookups) and sometimes just want to give up."
9."I'm 29, and I think I started looking at online dating when I was 19 or 20. It used to be a lot of fun meeting and talking to different people. But now, it seems that every dating app (OkCupid, MeetMe, Plenty of Fish, etc.) is trying to be like Tinder and hiding behind a paywall. Why should I have to pay for likes and conversations? Honestly, online dating is such a pain in the ass now, but I revisit these apps sometimes for nostalgia."
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10."I've been logging on and off apps (mostly Tinder and Grindr) for a WHILE now. Grindr is pretty much the same microcosm of headless torsos, but Tinder definitely took a nose dive. 90% of the people I match with don't respond to my messages. The other 10% respond once, and that's it. Only once in a blue moon does someone actually maintain a full conversation (not to even mention meeting IRL)."
11."I joined OkCupid in 2009 when I was 38. I met up with exactly one guy — and we wound up dating for over two years. It was amazingly quick and easy. I was so surprised! So I had high hopes when I went back to the site in 2012 — but even by then, it had completely changed. No one was messaging back, or if they did, they were scammers, ghosters, or monosyllabic losers.
"So I tried other sites: Plenty of Fish, Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel... while the sites were somewhat different in terms of the kind of men they attracted, ultimately, the results were the same: Most people don't respond when there's a match, and if they do, they were probably not a 'real' person.
Now I'm 51, and I'm averaging 1-2 dates a year that don't go anywhere for any variety of reasons. I've also been stood up a number of times. I realize that this all may partly be a function of where I live (NYC, ageist af), but overall, it honestly sucks."
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12."It seems like the pendulum has shifted back to a more cautious approach. We all were hesitant when online dating started to become more common, and it wasn’t something people freely shared that they were doing because it was also a little embarrassing. Then with more dating apps available, everyone was doing it, and there was the evolution of hook-up apps where you were meeting IRL with literal strangers. And from what I’ve seen in the last couple of years, people seem to be taking a lot more time talking to people they match with before meeting and setting much more firm boundaries."
13."As someone that has dated online for a decade, or more, I can tell you one thing that HASN'T changed. The ease of meeting people is nice, but also it isn't. You meet someone, you like them, but they are talking to five other people. It just sucks. #foreveralone"
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14."When online dating became a real thing, people went out of their way to come across as real and genuine. Now most demand you think that of them and treat others in a completely impersonal way."
So there you have it...
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