Child-Free People Are Sharing The Exact Moments That Made Them Reconsider Having Children, And It's Incredibly Eye-Opening
As a woman in her late 20s, I am constantly bombarded with the age-old question, "So, when are you having kids?" But with the rising cost of living, a burning planet, and lack of universal healthcare (in the US at least), I'm usually tempted to answer, "Why would I?"
NBC
Apparently, I'm not alone in this response. In 2021, a Pew Research Center study found that 44% of non-parents ages 18–49 were not too likely or not likely at all to have children someday.
So when Reddit user u/CowboyLikeMegan posed the question "What made you decide against having kids?" to the r/AskReddit community, I was curious to find out why people decided to remain child-free. Here are some of the responses that were especially eye-opening:
1."My mother's mental illness left the lion's share of supervision and housekeeping to me at the expense of my own education (we also had not nearly enough resources for the number of children). The despair of those years turned me off from ever being responsible for a child again. I love my siblings with all my heart, but they nearly broke me."
2."I’m so deeply horrified by the idea of getting pregnant that I genuinely do not understand people who want that. To me the idea of becoming pregnant and going through childbirth is equivalent to discovering I have a very serious, life-threatening illness — it just causes a visceral traumatic reaction of DO NOT WANT EVER!"
3."This is US-centric but I feel very strongly that in this culture, you have to reeeeaaally want kids above all else because there's no other culture in the world that actively works against parents in such a profound way. No parental leave, no universal healthcare, childcare is prohibitively expensive, and we work so fucking hard day after day after day so that doing anything else, like playing with your kids, is so exhausting."
"I made that choice in my late thirties. I'd never have to figure out how to put my career on hold, I'd never have to figure out the logistics of childcare with a career. I'd have money to buy a house someday. I'd be able to retire someday. Of course, none of that is a guarantee, but now I wouldn't have to add children to the equation."
4."I was raised by a single mother in a house with my grandparents and my great-grandmother. Ever since I can remember I had to be responsible because my great-grandmother needed a lot of care, as did my grandfather. So I've had to do a lot of the household chores (all the dishes, cleaning the floors, cooking, preparing medication for the next week, and so on). Plus, when I was about eight I was tasked with the responsibility to look after them while my mother and grandmother went grocery shopping or to the doctor with one of them."
"My great-grandmother died when I was 18 — a couple of weeks before I moved out for university. While studying, I was always working to pay for rent, food and all the stuff one needs. So I've already spent a big part of my life taking care of others and putting what I wanted to do on the back burner. Now, my mother needs to be taken care of and that alone takes up a lot of my 'free' time.I feel like I've 'done my time' taking care of other people. I just see the burden of all of it, plus there's no way I could afford it either. The money I have left over goes to taking care of my mother's needs, so there wouldn't be any left for a child."
5."I’ve seen plenty of otherwise fine and even happy marriages go downhill because all substantial childcare was ceded to the mother once the baby arrived."
"She is expected to be in charge and on top of all the ancillary 'little things' at all times too — scheduling appointments for everyone, ensuring those appointments are met, shopping for birthdays/holidays/weddings/baby showers for all friends and family members and extended family members (keeping their birthdays straight), responding to family in a timely manner, coordinating trips, planning get-togethers and holidays, grocery lists, planning and executing meals, taking care of pets and children’s pets, remembering where everything is in the house, keeping a mental inventory of supplies and ensuring those are replenished…the list goes on. Even previously equitable relationships became so lopsided in terms of responsibilities, it bred resentment."
6."When my parents had me, there were four grandparents, several uncles and aunts around, and probably 20 close friends with their own kids to split the burden between. I'm over here with both my parents divorced, grandparents dead, uncles and aunts far far away, and don't have nearly as many close friends that I'd trust with my kid. If I have a kid, I'm essentially on my own with my wife. It's scary. Two people with full time jobs still having to make sure that kids are fed and cared for...it's just not possible."
7."I've never wanted kids for no other reason than it doesn't sound appealing. They're expensive, they cry a lot, as babies they produce bodily fluids I'd be responsible for cleaning up, and as teens they become aggravating. As I've gotten older, more reasons not to have them have popped up, but it always comes back to just not feeling compelled to do so, and kids deserve better than that."
8."State of the world? Bad. Every generation has its problems, but I can't help but feel like things are generally worse than my parents' generation. Maybe they'll get better, but I'm not going to gamble a child's life on that. Mental health? Terrible. I struggle with severe depression and anxiety that has kept me from holding a job for over a year and a half. I absolutely am not going to risk passing that on for a kid to deal with."
9."Just not one single thing about it looks like it would be fun, enjoyable, or worth it. Also, as a woman, the entire process seems very unfairly weighted against me. The dad gets a much better deal than the mum in this equation and, frankly, fuck that."
10."I'm a 28-year-old female and I'm not convinced I want kids. Lack of freedom, especially to travel, constantly worrying about someone else/being responsible for them, the state of the world, my own mental health, stuff that can be genetic, knowing pregnancy is incredibly dangerous, having four friends very recently have their first children and seeing them miserable, and the idea of forever being a mom. It's all overwhelming. Plus, I see kids every day with behavioral and mental health problems. I kinda just don't want to risk that being my kid."
11."I just never felt the need. I always considered myself complete as I was, and every time I got pressure to reproduce it just struck me that something fishy was going on, a sort of misery-loves-company recruitment effort as it were. It felt like a kind of trap. Also, as my contemporaries got pregnant and began what they termed 'building' their families, I could not fail to notice that their relationship with their partners suffered greatly. Enough divorces and breakups happened that it became clear that children were the common denominator in this deluge of unhappy endings."
12."At my core I know I would never have kids just because I wanted them. I had a list of things I needed to do before I had them. That list remains unfinished in spite of many attempts, and it looks like time's running out. So I won't have them because I do not think I can bring them into this world without having my priorities figured out."
13."My little brother got his girlfriend pregnant at 16...and again at 18. My nieces lived with us in the house — they were shriekers. I learned real early on that I can't handle shrieking children. My neighbor has five children and three are girls under the age of six, the youngest two are twins. They shriek constantly, I can hear it across the street and through my walls and windows. Probably better for everyone if I don't have kids."
14."We both had severe health issues: my partner from newborn until five years old, and myself from newborn to six years old for me. Neither of us had been diagnosed with anything other than extremely poor immune systems, so we get sick easily. Both sides of our families have dealt with various cancers. Too much going health-wise for us to even consider it. Plus the American healthcare system does more harm than good to bring a child into the world."
15."I like my life the way it is. Lazy weekends, waking up when I want, going on holiday outside of school holidays, my house is clean, no toys everywhere — the list goes on. It's me, my husband, and the cat, and it's pure bliss."
16."I value my freedom and don't want to be tied down. I've heard so many horror stories of women being trapped in relationships with shit men and I don't want that to happen to me. I'm also not keen on kids — I'm introverted and have a health condition that means I need a lot of rest and quiet times when it flares up. I'd be in no way capable of handling a child during a flare-up."
"We have mental health issues in my family that I don't want to pass on to a child. Childcare costs are extortionate, and centering all holidays around the kids sounds awful. I'm 99.9% sure I'd regret it, and even if I didn't regret it all the time, doing so even once isn't fair either to me or the kid. So I'd rather not."
17."I had an awful childhood defined by emotional abuse, bullying, and loneliness which has left me with mental health problems such as trauma, insomnia, eating disorders, anxiety, and emotional instability. I do have paternal instincts but due to my mental health, it is likely that I would be a terrible father and that saddens me."
18."I'm an only child myself, so I spent a majority of my twenties taking care of my parents. Now I'm 36. And there's still plenty of me shit I wanna do. Plus I don't consider myself a bad person but my father is a better man than I could ever be and I'm fortunate enough to have had a good relationship with him."
19."At 30, I got cancer. At the same time, we were taking care of my father-in-law who was battling ALS. I survived, but in the following two years, we continued to care for my FIL, took in my sister-in-law who had a psychotic break and took care of my mother-in-law when she had a hip replacement and was also diagnosed with cancer. Yeah, no more taking care of anyone but each other. Also, I’m not bringing a kid into this dying world, that just seems cruel."
20."Once a parent, always a parent. The life-changing permanence of that identity scares me more than it has ever excited or tempted me. I want to live my life on my own terms, rather than have another human wholly dependent on me to make the right/safe/good choices for them."
"A child would always have to come first, and I want to put me first. There are too many things I want the freedom to try in this lifetime. Add on top of this the fact that I’m poor, messy, and specifically struggle to 'keep house' with executive functioning issues — I barely manage to appropriately clean my space for ME and provide for myself, healthily. Doing that for a child? Whew."
21."I literally spiral into depression and anxiety when I don't have control over my spaces and have so much time completely alone from people (including my fiance). I do really enjoy time with kiddos but even thinking about that 18+ years-long commitment makes my stomach turn. I really do not understand how some people are excited to dedicate their entire life to another person without feeling disappointed and overwhelmed."
22."I have always known I’m missing that drive or switch which makes someone want kids. It got pretty annoying to hear 'you will change your mind', 'wait until you meet the right one', or 'wait until you're older.'"
"I always said to my husband if he wanted kids I would be happy to have them but I’m never going to be the one that starts asking/suggesting (conversation had before marriage — I didn’t spring it on him!). I’m an auntie in a big family so I know I can do the parenting bit and am always happy to babysit and muck in — just didn’t want my own. It has taken forever (41 now) for me to accept I’m normal and that’s okay."
Ultimately, the decision to have children — or the decision not to — is deeply personal. If you've decided that kids aren't for you and feel comfortable sharing, we'd love to hear why in the comments below. You can also fill out this form if you prefer to remain anonymous.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
