How to Make Your Party Meaningful

Holiday parties are a chance to eat, drink, and make lasting memories. Here's how three food and drink experts make them matter.

We're all past the notion of "perfection," aren't we? That projection of poreless, symmetrical, unrumpled entertaining that took root in the homekeeping mags of yore, flowered in the era of Martha, and bore bounteous, unblemished fruit in the age of social media. Surely all those months of all-day bedhead, increasingly sloppy Zoom drinks, and lonely, back-of-the crisper dinners must have shown us that nothing makes a better present than the actual physical presence of the people we love, even if things are rough around the edges, right?

You'd think! But even now, it's still a struggle sometimes to fully grasp the absolute gift it is to be able to gather together and break bread, to be perfectly imperfect but together. There are endless digital distractions, the compulsion to document and broadcast every detail, the anxiety to make up for lost time and make everything camera-ready. But for the holidays, I'm tasking myself with being fully there, taking in the gift of everyone's company, and not fussing too much over details that frankly don't matter. And I'm letting some excellent spirits — Sohla El-Waylly, Jacques Pépin, and Jackie Summers — be my guides to meaningful gatherings.

Do less, and have so much more

Sohla El-Waylly is the author of the sensational — and absolutely massive — new cookbook, Start Here: Instructions for Becoming a Better Cook, as well as a brand-new parent. The book was three years in the making, and El-Waylly found herself constantly pinched for time, while still wanting to gather for the holidays. She decided to delegate some of the hospitality entertaining duties to friends and in doing so, found that her guests were thrilled to be able to contribute to the festivities. "Lately, I've tried to not put too much focus on the food," she told me over the phone. "A lot of times I was making so much food and so many courses and it is just overwhelming and you end up being in the kitchen the whole time and not talking to anyone."

El-Waylly found a better way. "Now my thing is to keep it really simple, get everyone to help, have everyone bring something. Even if you don't need that, maybe have someone in charge of drinks. I think it's more special when you get everyone together."

She recalled her favorite recent holiday gathering, right after turning in her book manuscript. "Normally I cook everything for Thanksgiving, and this year I was just so tired. We did a potluck instead and it was the best Thanksgiving. Everyone got so excited and spent so long researching and practicing their dish. It was almost like a show-and-tell because we gathered around the table and everyone talked about their dish. It was really fun tasting everyone's take on everything. We had a list of the classic slots — a green bean casserole and a mashed potato — but no one made the classic version of it. Everyone got creative and I think it was the best Thanksgiving ever."

Her takeaway: "Do a little bit less."

Don't brush off the memories you're making

Earlier this year, I had the privilege of visiting Jacques Pépin at his home in Madison, Connecticut. At 87, the legendary chef finds himself especially grateful for tangible memories of his gatherings — especially after the loss of Gloria, his wife, in 2020. He gestured toward a series of volumes in the next room, thick with sheaves of watercolors. "I have 12 books over there," he said. "I was married 54 years, and at the beginning of the marriage, when people came to our home, I wrote the menu, whatever we had. People signed on the other page. We put the label of the wine sometime. So I have 12 books that are that thick, with memories of my whole life. My mother is in there, my two brothers, of course, my wife, my daughter and so forth."

His daughter, Claudine, is in her mid-50s now, and uses them as a touchpoint. "She came a few months ago and she said, 'What did I eat for my third birthday?' We looked and found her third birthday in there. She drew the raw chicken," he recalled. "That's how I started doing menus and illustrations for menus, and painting and so forth."

"The moment that I go to is always the same: being together," Pépin continued. "I worked and ate in the greatest restaurants in the world, but I don't remember those as well as I remember cooking with friends in my kitchen."

My takeaway: A few phone pictures are fine, but then I'm going to put the device on Do Not Disturb — ideally in another room — and have sketch pads and pens on hand for myself and whatever guests wish to participate in sketching, scribbling, collecting thoughts. I might even bind everyone's pages all together in a book to revisit later.

Set the table like you mean it

Sorel creator and 2022 F&W Drinks Innovator of the Year Jackie Summers learned from his mother that when hosting holiday gatherings in their multi-religious, non-denominational home, it was important to meet people where they are, and share whatever you have and they need. Eventually, cooking duties fell to Summers — who believes to his core that friends are the family you choose — and he added them to the table. "Close friends with sweatpants and no plans could crash the Orphan’s Dinner, where they could sup on meticulously prepared dishes, listen to Mom’s wisdom, and hear Dad (after much cajoling) tickle the ivories, all while scarfing down sweet potato pie and homemade whipped cream in front of a roaring fireplace." he wrote in a stunning essay for Food & Wine.

When Summers' father died, it rocked his entire world. For the next two decades, he and his mother treated every gathering as if it were their last. "Cramming every possible moment with loved ones and scrumptious food and laughter like time was our succulent Sunday goose," he says. "Lavish spreads to challenge even the most ambitious elastic waistbands were prepared, in willful defiance of Mom’s advancing years. In my heart, I knew I was stockpiling memories for a dreaded yet inevitable future."

Sadly, that moment came in 2021, but he knew he'd made the most of that last holiday — for both of them. "It was low-key, quiet, and perfect," he recalls. "Mom was blissful, and thanked us profusely for spending precious time with her."

My takeaway: First of all, read Summers' essay, but after that, give yourself a moment to imagine the table of people you'd want at your last holiday table. Whether or not they'll actually be able to join you, let them know exactly why you'd want them there, what their presence in your life has meant to them. Maybe this sounds a bit sappy, but no one really minds if things are just a little sweeter at the holidays.

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