If Your Partner Spends Hours Texting Someone, They Could Be Cyber-cheating
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Hear “infidelity” and odds are, you think of some wanker putting their willy in someone other than their wife or snapping their snatch behind their S.O.’s back. But while it’s common for people to think infidelity implies sexual infidelity, there are other, non-sexual forms of cheating, too.
At its most distilled, infidelity is any breach in a pre-established relationship’s agreement (read: boundaries) of an interpersonal dynamic, says psychotherapist and sex and relationship expert Rachel Wright, LMFT, host of the podcast The Wright Conversations: A Podcast About Sex, Relationships, and Mental Health.
Obviously, infidelity can often be physical: If you have an agreement to be sexually monogamous with someone, then it would be cheating to have a sexual experience with someone else, she says. “But infidelity isn’t just about how many people you’re having sex with,” Wright notes. “It’s about breaking any of the romantic, emotional, or intellectual agreements you have with someone you’re in a committed romantic and/or sexual relationship with.” Indeed, romantic cheating, emotional cheating, intellectual cheating, and even cyber-cheating are all types of infidelity.
Meet the Experts:
Rachel Wright, LMFT is a psychotherapist based in New York, New York and the host of the podcast The Wright Conversations: A Podcast About Sex, Relationships, and Mental Health.
Laura Berman, PhD is a sex and relationship therapist, the host of the Language of Love podcast, and the author of Quantum Love: Use Your Body's Atomic Energy to Create the Relationship You Desire.
Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST is the director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York, New York.
Considering this might be the first time you’ve heard that cheating doesn’t always involve the genitals, you’ve probs got questions. Ahead, sex and relationship therapists break down the five types of infidelity—and explain why people cheat, whether your relationship can bounce back, and how to heal after betrayal.
What is infidelity, exactly?
Infidelity, also known as cheating, is the act of giving the finger to any of the promises, agreements, and commitments you have with (one of) your partner(s), says Wright. Put simply, it’s betrayal.
Here’s the thing: The go-to definitions of infidelity suggest that people have had important conversations around what is and is not kosher in their relationships. Unfortunately, most people aren’t proactive about that stuff. Sigh.
But it’s still possible to be unfaithful to someone, even if you haven’t had some of these talks. “If there’s something that you feel you have to hide from your partner, or anything that you wouldn’t do or say with your partner standing right next to you, that’s a red flag you are probably crossing the line in your relationship—a.k.a. cheating,” says Laura Berman, PhD, sex and relationship therapist, host of the Language of Love podcast, and author of Quantum Love: Use Your Body's Atomic Energy to Create the Relationship You Desire.
On a similar note, you’re likely being unfaithful if you are directing energy away from your significant other, and to someone or something else, she adds.
The Five Main Types of Infidelity, Explained
1. Sexual Infidelity
Sexual infidelity is what most people think of when they think of infidelity. It encompasses everything from extramarital trysts and hotel hookups, to phone sex and Snapchat sexts, to coat closet canoodling and under-the-table footsie.
Wright notes that despite common misconceptions that only people in monogamous relationships can be sexually unfaithful, people in all relationship structures can be. “If your agreement is that you can have sex with other people if you use barriers, but then you don’t use a barrier, that’s cheating,” she says. Again, it comes down to the nitty gritty sex rules of your dynamic, and whether you’re hiding info from your partner(s).
2. Emotional Infidelity
Sometimes known as non-physical cheating, emotional infidelity is a vague, abstract, nondescript label for extra-relational “emotional bonds,” says Wright. The concept can be problematic because it reinforces a heteronormative, antiquated idea that someone can’t have emotional connections with someone who isn’t their husband or wife. After all, people can and should have connections with people beyond their partner(s).
But also: Emotional cheating *is* a real thing that can be as devastating (if not more devastating) than physical infidelity, according to Berman. Broadly speaking, the difference between a deep platonic friendship and an emotionally unfaithful bond is a current of secrecy or desire, she says.
“Emotional infidelity occurs when someone is redirecting their emotional energy away from their partner toward someone else,” she explains. Here, you aren't just leaning on another member of your support system; you're actively choosing to place your attention and efforts elsewhere.
“It can also happen when we express deep desire, longing, feelings of love to someone other than our partner(s),” Berman adds.
While emotional infidelity can take a variety of shapes, Berman says it commonly involves confiding in a third party about your relationship troubles (rather than discussing them with your mate) or celebrating new career developments with your #workhusband or #workwife, all while downplaying those same wins to your partner.
In more extreme examples, emotional infidelity could include falling for someone else, telling someone else you’d ask them out if you weren’t in a relationship, or over-complimenting another’s personality or appearance to the extent that you know it would hurt your partner. Of course, all of these actions could lead to sexual infidelity, too.
3. Romantic Infidelity
Romantic infidelity is the specific type of cheating that happens when you ~romance~ someone other than your partner, says Berman.
What qualifies as romance varies person to person, but generally it involves wining and dining, flirting, and exploring emotional intimacy with someone, she says. If you do these things with someone other than your partner, it’s romantic infidelity, she says.
As you might guess, there is a tremendous amount of overlap between romantic and emotional infidelity. But generally, romantic infidelity is marked by the things you do with or for someone, while emotional infidelity is marked by the things you feel for someone.
4. Intellectual Infidelity
When people in a committed relationship share common philosophies on communication, political beliefs, values, intellectual pursuits, or interest, they are intellectually compatible.
While it’s okay (and normal!) to share common interests and beliefs with someone other than your partner, it can become a form of cheating if you're sharing them with a third party to the exclusion of (or instead of with) a willing partner, says Berman. “Again, it comes down to directing energy away from your partner,” she says.
It could count as intellectual infidelity if you stop talking about politics with your boo altogether because you prefer to talk about them with someone else, for example. Same goes if you start watching a new TV show with someone other than your S.O.
It’s important to have hobbies and interests that you can share with other friends and acquaintances, but the bottom line here is: If you find someone more intellectually stimulating than your sweetie, intellectual infidelity is a risk.
5. Cyber-cheating
Also known as digital infidelity or having a cyber affair, cyber-cheating occurs entirely through social media, text, and other internet forums. These days, cyber affairs are a very common way for partners to stray, or to explore the idea of straying without feeling like they have truly cheated, says Berman. “Instead of meeting up at a by-the-hour hotel on your lunch break, today’s unfaithful partners might just be swapping explicit pictures and videos, or even just chatting with one another on Facebook or Snapchat for hours,” she explains.
But to be clear: While cyber-cheating can feature sexual undertones (or explicit sexual suggestions), it does not always. In your relationship, cyber-cheating could include texting someone else good morning, calling them on your way home from work to share info about your day, or texting them pics, says Wright. Of course, these could also be signs of emotional cheating—in case you haven’t guessed by now, there’s a lot of overlap between the types of infidelity, and oftentimes, several types happen at once.
“Again, it’s about the breaking of agreements—so if you’re interacting with someone online or through your phone that’s outside of your relationship agreements, it could be considered cyber infidelity,” she says.
Why do people cheat on their partners?
“There are many, many, many reasons people cheat,” says Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York. “Sometimes, people cheat because there is something ‘missing’ or unaddressed in their romantic/sexual relationship(s).” Other times, however, it has nothing to do with their relationship and everything to do with their own unresolved traumas, unnamed feelings, and unknown needs, they add. For instance, someone might cheat on their partner because they have a fear of commitment, or saw one parent cheat on their other parent growing up.
However (and this is important!), even when someone cheats because there is something unaddressed in the relationship, it doesn’t mean that it’s the other partner’s fault—nor does it mean that the other partner isn’t good enough, says Kahn. To reiterate: If you were cheated on, it’s not your fault.
Kahn offers this example: If Partner A has been working a lot, Partner B might feel emotionally and/or physically neglected, they say. But if Partner B decides to turn to a third person, that doesn’t mean that Partner A caused them to kiss or romance someone else. “It simply means there was a need going unmet that needed to be addressed,” they explain. But, rather than addressing it with their partner (as they should have!), they strayed.
A relationship can survive infidelity—and these steps can help.
So, can your relationship survive the specific infidelity you’re navigating? Ultimately, that comes down to your and your partner’s willingness to communicate, discuss issues head-on, and do the work to heal your own traumas, says Berman.
Ahead, here are five expert-approved steps for navigating infidelity intentionally, in order to maximize the likelihood for success in the affair’s aftermath.
1. Work with a couples therapist.
To put it bluntly, any kind of betrayal is going to rock your relationship to its core. “Many couples struggle in the aftermath of an affair,” says Berman. “And the work that needs to be done, in order for a couple to repair from the affair and heal, is hard.” That’s why it is so crucial to work with a couples therapist who has experience with infidelity and cheating, she says.
2. And work with an individual therapist, too.
No doubt, a couples therapist can help you and your partner move through this rough patch. But you both need to WANT to move through this rough patch. Going to therapy solo can help you each discern whether or not you’re willing to do the work, if you don’t already know the answer in your gut, says Berman.
Individual therapy can also help the partner who cheated unpack any pre-existing beliefs around fidelity, love, and marriage that led to this behavior, she says. It can also help you figure out how to end your relationship logistically, as well as move on from it emotionally and mentally, if that’s what you decide you want, adds Kahn.
3. Prioritize earning trust and learning to trust again.
At its most distilled, infidelity is a breach in trust. “The person who was cheated on needs to trust their partner again, and the partner who cheats needs to earn their trust,” says Berman. What’s required for that to happen? Several things, though they may vary.
“Usually, the cheater needs to cut off contact with the person they had the affair with,” she says.
According to Berman, the cheater should also be prepared to do the following to earn their partner’s trust:
Let their partner know if the person they cheated with reaches out again.
Tell their partner where they are going (and who they are going with) moving forward.
Be an open book about phones, social accounts, and other devices.
Tolerate a lot of “checking” at first.
4. Make space for a new kind of connection.
Yes, the person who cheated needs to earn their partner’s trust. Yes, that is going to take time. Yes, the person who was cheated on might have some very specific needs and requests in order to feel safe again.
And then, at a certain point, all parties need to make a conscious decision to move forward, and stop living in the past pain, says Berman. “Amidst the accountability, anger and pain, there must be room made for re-connecting and turning over a new leaf,” she says.
No doubt, this is tough. One strategy she recommends is to allow 15 minutes each day for anger, emotional dart throwing, and inquiries about the affair. “The rest of your time should be spent investing in quality time, connection, and even having fun together,” she says. “This is the way you move toward healing—by creating time for it.”
5. Act with love every single day moving forward.
Love, dear readers, is a verb. Meaning, it is something you offer and affirm with action regularly. Ultimately, true healing from infidelity starts when all partners begin to show their love every single day, says Berman.
To move with love, she recommends asking yourself the following questions, then letting the answers guide your behavior.
What can I do today to show my partner my love?
What can I do today to make them feel sexy?
How can I show my partner that I am committed to our relationship and relationship agreements?
The bottom line: Infidelity is a sneaky shape-shifter, popping up in a variety of formats and forms—and all of those types can be painful. Still, recovery is possible if that is something the people involved both want, and if they're willing to do the necessary work.
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