Is Your Partner Having An Emotional Affair—Or Are You?
From the outside, an emotional affair seems innocent enough. It's just a platonic friendship—a really, really, close friendship with someone who happens to not be your partner. Nothing physical has happened, even though you've thought about it. But hey, you're allowed to have relationships outside of your romantic one...right?
The thing about friendships where you become emotionally invested in someone else, however, is that you could slowly detach from your actual partner. Rachel Sussman, a New York-based licensed therapist and relationship counselor, says that emotional infidelity can be just as damaging—sometimes more so—to a relationship than a physical one, whether it's with a co-worker, old flame, or a Facebook friend. "Why do we live in a culture where we feel like touching someone is more dangerous to a marriage than revealing your deepest secrets?" she asks.
Rhonda Richards-Smith, an LA-based psychotherapist and relationship expert, agrees that there are multiple layers to affairs. While sex can be more final, she points out that emotional affairs can escalate to physical ones after serious feelings have already been established.
Unsure about how to recognize the signs of an emotional affair—or how to address them? Whether you might be having an affair or your partner could be, both experts weigh in on what to do.
Signs you are having an emotional affair:
Odds are that you already know that you're platonic friendship verges on romantic, even if you won't admit it to yourself. "When you’re exuding that energy into someone else, you’re automatically neglecting your actual relationship. You’ve only got so much energy to give," says Richards-Smith.
If you're unsure of what constitutes as emotional intimacy, she says these are good indicators that feelings may run deeper than you think.
You make excuses to be around them
This is common sign of an emotional affair that occurs early on in the friendship, Richards-Smith said. You want to spend more time with them, so you go out of your way to make sure you're working on the same project at work or sitting next to each other at a meeting.
You find yourself venting about your significant other
"If you’re kind of complaining about your partner, or you’re not sure how to handle a certain situation with your partner, and you’re going to the same person repeatedly over and over, that could be a sign that there’s an affair going on."
Your "platonic friend" is on your mind when you're getting ready for the day
More thought is spent on picking out your clothes or putting on your makeup, with the intent of impressing a certain someone. Richards-Smith says this sign is especially common if that other person is a co-worker.
Your head is in the clouds
"If you find that you’re daydreaming and thinking about them a lot, that can be a sign that there’s something more going on."
You're keeping secrets from your romantic partner
If you're texting, emailing, or DMing, and then going back and deleting those messages, something's not right. "The secrecy is something that's really key for an emotional affair...That’s always a red flag because you know you’re consciously telling yourself, 'OK, my partner probably wouldn’t be OK with interactions that I’m having with this person.'"
If you're looking for emotional fulfillment in someone else—and exhibiting the above signs—it could be because you're not getting the attention you'd like from your significant other, or you're unsatisfied with your sex life, says Sussman. Sometimes typical life stressors can lead someone to emotionally stray, like problems at work, planning a wedding, or a big move. When it comes down to it, according to Richards-Smith, the affair stems from some sort of unmet need in your current relationship. "Once people get married, they have a particular ideal of exactly of what a husband and/or a wife is supposed to do. What they’re supposed to look like, what they’re supposed to say. And if those things don’t match up, a lot of times that’s where those problems arise."
So, what do you do if you're having an emotional affair?
If you notice that some of these signs sound familiar, how do you even begin to address it? Richards-Smith lays out three steps:
Be honest with yourself.
She says it's the most difficult key, but acknowledging that you're becoming emotionally involved with someone new only helps get to the root of why you've strayed in the first place.
Consider, what are you missing from your romantic relationship?
Have a conversation with yourself, or maybe even involve a family therapist. Figure out what you're getting from the new friendship that you feel like is lacking between you and your current partner.
Talk about the emotional intimacy you're looking for.
Once you know what you're missing, be open and clear with your partner about it. "Say, 'At this point in my life, I really need you to be supportive. I need you to communicate.' Whatever needs aren’t being met, that conversation needs to be had."
Signs your partner might be having an emotional affair:
Richards-Smith says that, ideally, you should be the main source of support for your S.O.—and they to you. But if you're beginning to compete for their affections, there are a few signs to look out for if you suspect their emotional affections are focused elsewhere.
Their supposedly platonic friend enters your one-on-one time.
Your partner name-drops their new friend frequently in conversation and "you might see them texting or on the phone with that colleague, a lot," says Sussman.
You feel like you're competing with someone new.
They seem to frequently compare you to their new friend. Richards-Smith points out phrases to look out for like: 'I wish you could be more like ___' or '___ never says things like that' are signs they could be emotionally involved with another.
You don't know what they're thinking.
You've noticed that they confide in you less and less. You no longer know what's bothering them, or what's getting them excited about their day.
They're seeking more attention.
Suddenly, their social media presence has hit an uptick. Richards-Smith says "attention seeking behaviors" like posting more about themselves, or the new friendship, are common. "If it seems like your partner needs a lot of validation and a lot of attention, maybe they’re not getting it in the relationship."
Their schedule changes.
They could spend more hours at work, the gym, or they have a random uptick in business trips or drinks out with colleagues and friends, says Sussman.
When you notice these signs, your first instinct may be to lash out at your partner. But before you do that, take a breath, and evaluate your situation.
One you notice and acknowledge the signs of an emotional affair, what's next?
As hard as it may be, both experts have tips on how to calmly speak with your partner. As long as the individuals involved are willing to make it work, there's hope. "I believe you can come back from any affair, but it takes hard work from both parties, not just the party that strayed," Sussman says.
Don't accuse, but engage.
Sussman says phrases like: 'I've noticed you've been hanging out with _____ more lately,' and 'I've seen changes in your behavior, and I'd like to know what's going on,' are great starts. It's all about being clear about your expectations and observations so they can be honest about theirs. And if you have difficulty with adapting to this language, a family therapist can always help.
Make alone time a ritual.
Though it can be difficult with factors like kids and jobs, this should be a priority. Turn off your tech and focus on one another. "It’s really important to have that quality one-on-one time to just check in with each other and make sure that you’re OK," says Richards-Smith.
Be smart about your environment
Richards-Smith says certain locations can trigger the tensions that weigh on a couple. Be conscientious of that. "A lot of issues in a relationship stem from household issues, so if household issues are a stressor, then I would say get out of the house and maybe take a walk."
These tools are meant to help couples get past an emotional affair. But Richards-Smith says to always be realistic. Sometimes, the needs of either partner can't always be met. "That couple at that point has a decision to make. Are they gonna stick it out and keep going, or are they gonna part ways? But you have to have those tough conversations to really know what’s going on."
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