Should My Partner Have a Say in My Birthing and Feeding Plan?

When expecting a baby, the birthing parent and their partner may have different opinions. Here's what experts suggest.

Medically reviewed by Nicole Amoyal Pensak, PhD

Since my first child was born via C-section, my doctor said another C-section was likely the safest option for me. But I was interested in learning more about a vaginal birth after C-section (VBAC).

When I mentioned this to my husband, he didn’t seem too happy and told me he didn't want me making this decision on my own. Shortly after, I mentioned my plan to mostly breastfeed, while supplementing formula when needed. Once again, my husband seemed displeased and said I should exclusively breastfeed.

I was annoyed, to say the least. And it got me thinking: how much say should partners have about your birthing and feeding decisions? Yes, partners should have a say in raising their children, but I felt my birthing and feeding plan was a space meant just for me; I didn’t feel my husband had a right to intervene.

As it turns out, this isn’t an unusual scenario, according to experts, and there are reasons why partners feel obligated to give their opinions. Luckily, there are ways for couples to navigate these conversations and find a resolution.

Why Different Opinions on a Birthing Plan Can Arise

Having a child is a major transition for each person in a relationship. So, while it’s easy as the birthing person to immediately want to shut down a partner’s thoughts and views on giving birth and feeding plans, it’s important to understand where they may be coming from.

Oftentimes, it comes down to fear or anxiety about the birthing or feeding process. That can include the safety, health, or well-being of their partner or baby, explains Ketan Parmar, MD, a psychiatrist and sexologist at ClinicSpots, based in Mumbai, India. It can also include the pain, complications, or interventions that may occur.

Plus, birth can be a traumatic experience. The desire for partners to have a say is even more prevalent in second-time parents that may have had a traumatic or difficult first experience, explains Hannah N. Gill, a birth and postpartum doula at Ebb and Flow Birth Co. They may want to have a say to try to prevent that experience from happening again.

Some partners may feel being involved is practical, helpful, or the responsible thing to do. That involvement can look like making decisions for their partner, giving suggestions, or providing support. On the flip side, a partner can have difficulty trusting, accepting, or respecting their partner’s choices or preferences.

A partner’s involvement may also stem from cultural reasons. “Some cultures may have specific beliefs, values, or traditions regarding pregnancy, childbirth, and infant feeding that influence the partner’s opinion,” explains Dr. Parmar. “For example, some cultures may prefer specific birthing methods, locations, or attendants, or have particular rituals, practices, or taboos around breastfeeding. The partner may want to respect, honor, or follow their cultural norms or expectations or may face pressure or criticism from their family or community if they do not.”

Another big reason partners may object to a specific plan or desire is due to lack of education or awareness, says Gill. “With my clients, it is usually always the mother doing the research and getting all the knowledge for pregnancy, birth, and postpartum,” explains Gill. “It is rare that the partner actually goes out of their way to do their own research. So, they may be unaware of certain choices that may be very valid.” 

How To Navigate Your Partner’s Different Opinions

Even if you get where your partner is coming from, it can still be difficult to accept their opinions during such a vulnerable time. Having an open dialogue can make all the difference. But these conversations can be challenging, sensitive, or emotional for both partners. Experts offer insight on ways to handle these discussions.

Start and plan early

It is advisable to start having these conversations as early as possible in the pregnancy and to revisit them regularly as the pregnancy progresses. This can help couples explore their options, gather information, and make informed decisions. It can also help couples avoid surprises, conflicts, or disappointments later on.

Listen

It is essential to listen to each other’s opinions, feelings, and perspectives and to empathize with each other’s experiences, concerns, or desires. This can help couples understand one another better, to appreciate each other’s differences, and to respect differing opinions.

Share and educate

Inform each other about the benefits, risks, and evidence of different birthing or feeding options and seek reliable sources of information, such as health professionals. This can help couples increase their knowledge, confidence, and preparedness and to address any myths, misconceptions, or gaps in their understanding. 

Expand your care team

If desired and possible, it can be helpful to add another professional like a doula to your care team. Doulas can be an essential source for the birthing parent and they can provide educated advice that may help mediate differing opinions.

It can also be helpful to add a mental health prescriber and therapist that specialize in postpartum to weigh in on any issues that may arise after birth and how to plan accordingly. Sometimes, feeding and birthing choices can impact the risk of experiencing postpartum mental health issues. Having a proactive discussion and plan can help minimize risk. It can also help put both partners at ease.

Check in with yourself

If your partner feels differently than you do, Nathanael Carela, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Dialogo Therapy in Michigan, says it can be helpful to come to a resolution after asking yourself these questions:

• What level of support do I want from my partner?

• What level of support do I want to give?

• Is this the sole decision of the pregnant partner, or is it a joint one?

• Are there some aspects where the pregnant partner has more influence?

• How willing am I to work as a team?

• Do I have research supporting my choice? Do I need it, or is it more of a gut feeling?

• Who will be affected by the choices I make, or that we make, and how?

• Is there information that I'm not willing to receive because of a past hurt in the relationship or a lack of being acknowledged?

• How will my decisions as the pregnant partner further alienate or draw me closer to my partner? 
  

After many conversations, my husband and I luckily came to an agreement that we were both comfortable with–I would stick to having a C-section since that was the safest option, according to my doctor, and I would breastfeed and include the occasional bottle since that works best for me. 

But bottom line is you should always feel confident and comfortable in your decisions regarding your birthing and feeding plans. If you and your partner can’t get on the same page and tensions escalate, it can be helpful to get outside help from a licensed family therapist, which is often covered by insurance.

For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter!

Read the original article on Parents.