A Mom Whose Marriage Is Stale Asked, "What Do You Do To Keep It Going, Make It Fun, And Don’t Get Bored Of Each Other?" Now Parents Are Flocking With Tons Of Helpful Suggestions On Keeping Romance Alive After Having Kids
Becoming a parent changes pretty much every aspect of your life. So, it's no surprise that the dynamic with a partner changes if you have one and have kids. One Reddit mom shared how she feels like her relationship is suffering after having kids and turned to the Reddit community for help.
NBC
User u/golohta has a 15-month-old and a 3-year-old with her partner. She said, "Our relationship dynamic changed dramatically after the second child. Neither of us has any energy left for each other after the kids go to sleep and when they are up everything is about them. I am sad about the loss of what we had before, a beautiful relationship. What do you do to keep it going, make it fun, and don’t get bored of each other? So many people get divorced once kids are off to college, and I don’t want to even think about it but I see my relationship is dying little by little."
Lots of other parents who have been in similar situations shared what has helped them in the comments. Here are some of the top suggestions:
1.Utilize your time after the kids go to bed.
"Once a week or so, we make the kids a simple dinner that they really like but we’re not big fans of (mac and cheese, hot dogs, etc). We’ll have a very light dinner with the kids, and then after the kids go to bed, we’ll order out and have a special at-home date night."
"Watching a TV show after the kids are in bed has helped us. We were falling into the trap of being exhausted and looking at our phones, and not talking. It sounds like such a small thing but having something to look forward to together that we can talk about separately is a good thing. We’ll get back to other grown-up stuff one day!"
2.Always be INTENTIONAL and present.
"We are (and use the word) INTENTIONAL with our time after the kids go to sleep. Sometimes that means one of us really sacrificing for the sake of both of us. We are both exhausted... Should we really prioritize sex? Shouldn't we divide and conquer? All of these moments are choices. We try to make the choice for 'us' over ourselves more times than not. And it has made a huge difference in our marriage."
"Our time after the kids go to bed has become our sacred time together, but it takes being intentional to make sure it doesn’t become only time for extra chores, grocery shopping, individual screens, and an early bedtime. We make sure we spend time talking about things other than kids and work."
"We have four kids under seven, I’m a SAHM, and homeschool the two oldest. We have very little time alone, so we have to be intentional. When the kids are around, we’re a team and work together, we are polite and say please and thank you, don’t take each other for granted, and are affectionate, hugging and giving quick kisses, and we tease each other and laugh together."
3."We spend INTENTIONAL time together after the kids go to bed, even if we're tired. Sometimes it sucks but long-term relationships take a ton of work, and it's not always super romantic or easy. It sounds harder to do when you're just reading it, but you just need to buck up and start prioritizing again."
4.Ditch the phones as often as you can.
"There are no phones, screens, or other distractions, so it’s quality time together. We cuddle in bed for at least a few minutes most nights. We try to shower together nearly every day. We’ve been together for 10 years and are closer than ever."
5.Accept that your relationship has changed and is evolving.
CW
"A level of acceptance that relationships have phases and evolutions is also necessary. You choose not to lose your relationship by understanding that your relationship will also change. If you set the expectation that your relationship will always be as wonderful as it started, you will not meet that expectation. There will be phases, years, maybe even a decade, where it is not. But if you choose wisely, your love is deep, and you do the work, you will still have something beautiful that can flourish."
"It helps to remind yourself that this is just a temporary phase. It feels really long when you're in it, but then it gets better."
6.Make a choice to commit.
NBC
"Knowing that the love is there even if the enthusiasm isn't. Date nights, communication, counseling...those are all things you can and should do. But fatigue and time are real things. And having kids under five is hard. But, you make a choice to commit and you ride it out. The relationship will grow, and growth isn't always 'fun and exciting.'"
7.Flirt and have fun:
"It has helped us to be flirty throughout the day. Nothing major, just a text message here and there can be enough. I just think it's important to think about each other during the day outside of your roles as parents and communicate that."
8.Don't rush through sex just to fit it in because you're so busy — and maybe consider scheduling it.
Roku
"When it comes to sexy time, it makes a difference sometimes if you're able to spend a little extra time with each other. We try to cuddle and talk after the kids are asleep, and sometimes that leads to other things. I think it's typical at this stage of life to rush through it because you're tired and there just isn't that much time in a day. But, if you can afford the time to spend with each other on really being present and in the moment, it really does help change the dynamic a bit."
"We have two kids under three so we have a 'scheduled' intimate night during the week. And on the weekends we specifically stay up after the kids go to bed for at least an hour to watch a TV show together. Sometimes I can make it through a movie BUT the truth is I'm exhausted. Everything's worth it, but it is hard work."
"Maintenance sex. I find my wife and I get flooded by obligations, so touching, kissing, and other intimate aspects can get put on the back burner. Remember, an orgasm can go a long way..."
9.Thank each other.
CBS
"Sometimes you're just in survival mode for a while and don't have time for the bigger relationship stuff (I seriously don't remember the last time my husband and I went on a legit date). But the little stuff can still make a big difference in the quality of your relationship. We make a point of thanking each other for doing regular stuff, like changing a diaper or taking out the garbage. Kiss each other randomly throughout the day."
10.Small gestures go a long way.
"Bring your partner their favorite coffee or treat from the store. I think it's more about appreciating each other and thinking about each other than it is about the specifics, really. But I think the little things really help hold it all together in the midst of chaos."
"If I'm buying my wife flowers on the way home today from work it would totally defeat the purpose if I talked about how expensive they are or how they're kinda a waste of money because they'll be dead in a few days or if I was dramatic about how FAR out of my way I had to drive to get them. It's just, 'I love you and you're special to me so here are some pretty flowers for you!'"
"We have a chocolate stash in the bedroom and priotize snuggling in bed. Sneaking kisses when we’re passing in the kitchen. Big gestures aren't necessary, just the little things."
—Anonymous
11.Trial and error to do what works.
Bounce
"We have Bluetooth headphones and listen to podcasts/watch YouTube videos with the screen facing away from the baby together. So we sort of hang out while playing with the baby. That helps to have something in common to talk about/enjoy."
12.Don't talk about the kids.
CW
"Our rule is to talk about anything except for the kids. It's hard at first and will probably feel weird but it's so important to keep the connection by taking time out for yourselves. We've been doing that since our kids were little; it's fantastic."
"Heavy emphasis on 'don't talk about the kids.' Nothing kills a date like talking about small children the entire time. Make an effort to find common ground and hobbies, etc., outside of the kids. That's how you avoid divorce after empty nesting because after 18 years you no longer have anything in common."
13.Never use being tired as an excuse.
"As hard as it is, make time for the relationship, no matter how tired you are, do it. Drop the kids off if you can (in-laws, friends, etc.) and go on a little date, even if it's a lunch date. When we were dead tired, we took lunch dates instead or we'd drop them off at the in-laws for dinner when we could and go out for dinner."
14.Understand your partner's love language.
TLC
"Some people have a general lack of awareness of what their partner's love language is. Just know what it is that you do that makes them feel special and freaking do it. And expect the same from your partner in return."
15.Be understanding.
CBC
"Show each other some grace. Small kids suck sometimes, and they're tough on relationships. They magnify and display every single crack that already existed in the relationship."
16.And lastly, communicate and be aware of disengagement happening in the relationship.
Nickelodeon
"Kids force us to disengage from our partners. It's like going on a trip for work: You're disengaged from your partner. Anytime you are disengaging, you need to acknowledge that events are forcing you to disengage and communicate with your partner to keep your connection close."
You got this, parents! If you have additional relationship tips that have helped you, share them in the comments!
TBS
