Parents (and Experts) Tell Us How They're Preventing Back-to-School Burnout

We're not back to school yet, but we're already tired. Here are tips and tricks from parents on how to beat parental burnout.

It’s been a long day at work, and now the kids are now fighting at home. The laundry’s piling up. The house is a mess. Back-to-school shopping looms on the calendar like a demon to vanquish, Buffy-style. Oh, and in an hour, it will be dinnertime, and there’s no way in hell this family is getting Happy Meals again.

If this sounds like any late-summer weeknight in your house, you’re not alone. And if this scenario gives you as much anxiety as it gives me, you might be experiencing what psychologists refer to as parenting burnout.

Yes, parenting burnout is a thing. Originally identified as a work-related phenomenon, burnout has only recently been studied in the realm of parenting. Research published in 2019 characterizes parenting burnout as “feeling overwhelmed, physical and emotional exhaustion, emotional distancing from one’s children, and a sense of being an ineffective parent.”

Related: 5 Ways the Mental Load Impacts Parents' Health

More than two-thirds of parents felt overwhelmed at some point in 2021, according to results from a 2022 survey of 1,285 parents by researchers at Ohio State University. In other words, burnout happens. And most parents will experience it, sooner or later.

Adrienne Heinz, a clinical research psychologist and mother of two in Northern California, says that parental burnout is not an individual problem, but a public health problem. Specifically, she notes that factors that contribute to parental burnout include: feeling financially, emotionally, and socially under-resourced to do the job at hand; lack of social support and emotional connection; and work-life imbalance where professional demands compete with caregiving versus complementing it.

“It's frustrating that our culture places the burden on parents to dig out of burnout when unsupportive systems and policies are constantly working against them,” says Heinz. “Sometimes that leads them into a situation where a frog doesn't realize that it's in boiling water.”

Heinz says it's important that parents try to take stock of how much caregiver burden they are shouldering. One option: the Caregiver Intensity Index, a free interactive measure that offers a personalized caregiving intensity score and actionable feedback. But here are some tips from real parents on how they're battling burnout themselves.

Related: Parents Can Have Back-to-School Anxiety Too—Here's How to Cope

Create 'Me' Time

Jenny Pritchett, who juggles a full-time writing job with parenting a 5-year-old son and a 13-year-old stepdaughter, has worked a few moments of me-time into her regular routine. And those moments add up.

Every week, Pritchett meets up with a friend for a walk on the beach near their San Francisco homes. The women usually meet for coffee first, then stroll. All told, including travel, Pritchett estimates she’s gone for about three hours. She says that time to focus on nothing but herself makes a huge difference in her overall vibe. She also credits a supportive partner for facilitating this ritual.

“I’m always fantasizing about taking an extra week or two off,” she says. “Since that’s not really possible, this usually helps.”

If Pritchett has a particularly tough day, she engineers another strategy—one she calls “quitting” for the night. On these nights, she comes home from work, goes into her bedroom, closes the door, takes out her contacts, puts on her headphones, and zones out, leaning on her partner to pick up the slack.

Pritchett, author of You Look Tired: An Excruciatingly Honest Guide to New Parenthood, is quick to acknowledge her own privilege, saying that without subsidized childcare, “self-care” is a pipe dream.

“The idea that it’s even in our control to not get burned out is part of the problem,” she says.

Related: The Burnout Epidemic is Disproportionately Affecting Women—Here's What Moms Can Do

Find Relief in Community

Parents of neurodivergent and disabled children face a particularly difficult challenge. In addition to common day-to-day responsibilities, they also must advocate for their children 24/7.

Larkin O’Leary, mother of two children—including a 9-year-old son with Down’s Syndrome, says that parents of kids with unique needs are more prone to burnout because necessary services are not easy to access.

“The hoops we are forced to jump through are exhausting,” she says. “I have been fighting for my son's life since the day he was born—with medical professionals who didn't value my opinion and an educational system that doesn't value my son as a kid who wants to be accepted just as he is.”

O’Leary founded Common Ground Society to make the situation better. This nonprofit, based in Sonoma County, California, offers support and resources to local families with kids who have disabilities. The group hosts meet-ups, playdates, educational sessions, and more.

In essence, Common Ground cultivates community, which can be a huge comfort to parents who feel ostracized and alienated from society because of burnout. O’Leary says that parents who attend these meet-ups feel a great sense of relief, even just temporarily.

Take Breaks

Bernadette Melnyk, PhD, understands how critical that relief can become. Dr. Melnyk is chief wellness officer at Ohio State University and vice president for health promotion at the school. She also was the author on the survey that indicated that 66 percent of parents felt burned out back in 2021.

While that survey dealt with the state of parenthood during the Covid-19 pandemic, Dr. Melnyk is quick to note the situation is not much different today.

Her advice to parents feeling the burn: Take short breaks. Dr. Melnyk says that several 5- to 10-minute breaks over the course of the day can help rejuvenate a parent and manage stress. She refers to these as “recovery breaks" and says they can be taken anywhere: the bedroom, the bathroom, even while sitting in an idling car.

“Any time you’re feeling overwhelmed, if you can take time out to help settle down your system by breathing or closing your eyes, you’re going to feel better,” she says. “The key is to become self-aware when you’re experiencing signs of burnout, especially if they begin to interfere with your functioning and concentration or judgment.

Cut Yourself Some Slack

One final piece of advice for parents trying to manage parental burnout: Give yourself some grace. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a psychologist and mom of four, says that nobody performs perfectly under pressure, and that sometimes it’s OK for parents to give less than their best.

The author of several parenting books, Kennedy-Moore says the ideal of staying calm in every situation is just that: an ideal.

“Parents think they have to have saintlike calmness no matter what their kids are doing,” she says. “A lot of the messages we see on social media about parents handling their situations with perfect emotional attunement; that’s just not viable all the time."

And that's why parents need to give themselves some grace. "The truth is that it’s not possible to be the perfect parent," Kennedy-Moore says. "Relationships are hard. We’re always working and always adjusting. If you don’t like how you handled something with your kid, think about how you’d handle it next time. Love means trying again.”

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