How Do You Get Over Someone You Never Actually Dated?
Sometimes we just can't help getting attached too soon
Verywell Mind / Stocksy
Getting over someone you’ve dated and broken up with can be tough, but we know that sometimes, getting over someone you never actually dated can be even harder.
It could be someone who doesn’t know you’re crushing on them or someone who doesn’t feel the same way. It could be a flirtation or unofficial situationship that doesn’t turn into something more. Or, it could just be the wrong place or the wrong time for the two of you.
We’ve all been there. Unrequited love or potential love that goes unfulfilled can leave you with a chaotic jumble of feelings and lingering “what-ifs” that lead to confusion, frustration, and heartbreak.
“Unrequited love can be harder to get over because we hold on to the illusion that this person was ‘perfect’ for us and we would live ‘happily ever after’ with them,” says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships.
In this article, we explore the concept of unrequited love and why it can be so hard to let go of. We also ask the relationship expert for some tips to help you get over someone you never actually dated.
At a Glance
Getting over someone you’ve never dated can be really hard. You’ve wished upon a thousand stars and built fairytale castles in the air, picturing your happy ending together. However, despite all your fantasies, things don’t work out.
Although it sucks, it may be time to accept that it’s never going to happen and let them go. Limit contact with them for some time, while you focus on yourself. Take care of yourself and put yourself first as you go through the healing process and allow yourself to feel all the feels. Lean on loved ones for support and TLC. Shift your focus from what could have been to what can be and go get it!
Unpacking Unrequited Love
Unrequited love occurs when you care about someone and they’re unaware of your feelings, they don’t feel the same way, or they’re unable to act on their feelings for you for some reason.
Unrequited love is characterized by:
Wishful thinking: You can’t stop thinking about what could have been and hoping against hope that something works out between you.
Overanalysis: You analyze every word, glance, gesture, or text they send you, hoping to find hidden meaning in it. Even the smallest amount of acknowledgement or affection from them can feel like a huge deal.
Infatuation: Dr. Romanoff says you might find yourself obsessing over the person, constantly thinking or talking about them, trying to look your best around them, and fantasizing about a future with them.
One-sidedness: If the person doesn’t know how you feel about them, you might be in a one-sided relationship with them where you care a lot more about them than they do about you. According to Dr. Romanoff, this dynamic can be unhealthy if you’re constantly bending over backward for them and trying to earn their love, while they take you for granted without appreciating or reciprocating your efforts.
Comparisons: You might constantly compare yourself to others in their life to try and figure out what your crush sees in them.
Self-doubt: You may start to feel insecure and doubt your worth, wondering why you’re not enough for them.
Heartache: Unrequited love can lead to severe disappointment and heartache. It's like having your favorite dessert just out of reach–you can see it and you can smell it, but you can't taste it.
Related: How to Stop Loving Someone
But We Never Actually Dated...
These are some of the reasons why it can be hard to get over someone you’ve never truly dated.
Idealization
When you date someone, you discover imperfections or reasons why you might be incompatible with them, which can make the breakup more bearable, says Dr. Romanoff.
On the other hand, when you haven’t dated someone, you tend to create an idealized version of the person in your mind, blurring the lines between who they are and who you want them to be. It can be hard to let go of this illusion of perfection, Dr. Romanoff explains.
Lack of Closure
Although breakups can be brutal, they offer some form of closure. At least that way you know things are over between you.
Without the reality check of a breakup, you might find yourself continuing to daydream about what could have been. Without a clear ending, all the "what-ifs" can make it hard to move on. The lack of closure can leave your emotions suspended in limbo.
Fear of Regrets
You may have invested a significant amount of time, energy, and emotional effort into your friendship or relationship with the person. It can be hard to let go of all that and accept that there can’t be anything between you.
You may fear that you’ll come to regret writing all that off and not taking the chance to be something more. This fear of regret can cause you to hold on to the possibility that something might exist between you someday.
Hope
Deep down, you may still hold onto the hope that someday, something will happen between the two of you. Hope is a powerful emotion that can create significant emotional attachment.
"Unrequited love can be particularly heartbreaking because the person remains a fantasy and their faults and human-ness rarely get revealed."
Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
Loneliness
The idea of being alone scares all of us. You may fear that if you let this person go, you’ll never find someone else whom you feel the same way about.
Plus, if the person is part of your social circle or has been a significant source of support in your life, severing ties with them can make you feel like you’re losing a lot more than a potential partner.
The Thrill of the Chase
We sometimes get obsessed with the ‘chase’ of unrequited love or unavailable partners, says Dr. Romanoff. In these cases, it’s often more about the thrill of the chase than actually wanting to be with the person. Letting them go hurts more because we feel like we’ve ‘lost’ than because we miss them.
How Long Will It Take to Get Over Them?
Takeaway
A 2021 review notes that unrequited love lasts an average of 10 to 17 months.
However, the exact amount it takes you to get over someone you never dated can vary depending on the intensity of your feelings for them, says Dr. Romanoff. The deeper your feelings for them and the more time, energy, and effort you’ve invested into the relationship, the longer it can take to get over them.
Typically, this type of heartbreak takes longer to heal because you haven’t had the opportunity to see the flaws and things you don’t like in the other person, so you cling to the idealized version of them in your head, Dr. Romanoff explains.
Closure, whether through a conversation or a realization, can help expedite the healing process. Having a strong support system to rely on can also play a major role.
Ultimately, it also depends on you and your willingness to move on. If you can accept what isn’t meant to be and let go of it, you can open yourself to new people and experiences.
Strategies for Emotional Healing
These are some strategies that can help you heal emotionally and move on.
Self-Reflection
Spend some time in self-reflection to figure out why you’re so attached to the person and why you’re having so much trouble moving on.
The answers may go further back than you think. Dr. Romanoff recommends thinking about how you get pulled into this dynamic of wanting an unavailable partner and reflecting on how this might trace back to unresolved trauma, as this pattern typically traces to early life relationships with caregivers.
Accepting and Processing
It’s important to accept the reality of the situation as it is, even if it means that you have to let go of the idea of your ‘happily ever after’ with that person.
Recognize that you’re attracted to their potential and ultimately what they symbolized for you—a life partner, a person to connect with deeply, and the future that you dreamed for yourself, says Dr. Romanoff. Remind yourself that you can have all these things with someone who actually reciprocates those feelings and wants to be with you.
Letting go is not easy and it’s natural to feel sadness, disappointment, regret, anger, and frustration. Give yourself time to feel all the feels and process your emotions.
Self-Care
As you go through this process, focus on your physical and mental well-being.
Do things that bring you joy, relaxation, and a sense of fulfillment—whether it’s doing yoga, dancing, painting, baking, working out, or spending time with loved ones.
Make an effort to expose yourself to new people and experiences. Putting yourself out there is scary but it can be very rewarding!
Establishing a healthy and consistent daily routine can also go a long way toward giving you a sense of control and stability in your life.
Setting Boundaries
If you interact with the person regularly, you may have to set some boundaries to protect yourself. It may be helpful to put some distance between you and them, until you’re able to get over them.
Following the no-contact rule can help you create some emotional distance in your relationship. That means not calling, messaging, or hanging out with them. Late-night texts and social media stalking are off-limits too! Otherwise, everytime you talk to them or meet them, you'll get sucked back into that spiral of wanting them, and we don't want that.
Seeking Support
Reach out to friends and family for support. Spending time with them can help remind you that you’re loved and cared for.
If you’re struggling to cope, it may also be helpful to see a mental healthcare provider. They can help you explore what you’re feeling and why.
Keep in Mind
Getting over someone can be hard, even if you haven’t actually dated them.
Although it can be heartbreaking, it’s important to be honest with yourself and accept that it’s not going to happen. Instead of focusing on what could have been, explore what can be.
One day you’ll find the right fit for you and it’ll be worth it. Hang in there!
Read Next: 13 Red Flags in Relationships
Read the original article on Verywell Mind.
