Outlander: Jamie Loves Grey Hair, Is Perfect
Last week, Jamie and Claire got Young Ian kidnapped by pirates. Then Claire raised some doubts she had about returning to Jamie after two decades apart. Oh, and Laoghaire shot Jamie. Just another easy, breezy time for Outlander's lovers, who are headed on a sea journey this week. Will it be smooth sailing for ClaMie? Obviously not. Let's make like a three-masted frigate and...fine, I don't know how to end that metaphor. Will I have to learn ocean things to understand this show from now on? God, I hope not.
1. "Maybe I'm being punished for wanting too much," says Jamie, with a faraway look in his eyes. So, he's blaming himself for Young Ian's troubles. But if wanting love causes kidnappings, then, a lot of Outlander fans would probably have their nephews kidnapped at sea by Portuguese ships as well every Sunday night at 8PM, so it's probably not that, okay?
2. Is this some marine wordplay here, Claire? "No god worth his salt would take your nephew away from you just because you wanted to be happy." No time to wonder whether our girl has turned into a dad (re: her jokes) because Jamie immediately wants to know how she's feeling. "Will we be? Happy?" he asks. Not if. You keep. Breaking sentences up. Like that, we won't.
3. Wait, what are Jamie's men hiding with all this shifty-eyed Fergus talk? What's Fergus brought on board with him? A snake? Illegal liquor? THE MEASLES?
4. Oh crap, Jenny and Ian still don't know what happened to their son. Sneaky of ClaMie to not tell them in person, but time is of the essence, I guess. And, honestly, I wouldn't want to tell Jenny her son got kidnapped, either.
5. Gotta say, I'm really enjoying Jamie's tricorn-and-dirty-face maritime look. I bet Claire's getting sick of her Swiss Army Dress, useful as it is. Let's get her a new outfit!
6. "Dinna want to be caught with a banana on a French frigate." WELL. Ahem.
7. Ohhhhh, the secret is that Marsali is on board - and she and Fergus are married. Or handfasted, at least. The smug, proud, defiant, worried little look on Fergus's face! It's kind of adorable, honestly. Is she like her ma, though? Because I can tell you we won't stand for that at all.
8. That look Marsali gave Claire was not acceptable. That phrase she called Claire was NOT ACCEPTABLE! Too bad, I suppose I hate Marsali now.
9. Um, Jamie's solution of making Marsali and Claire share a cabin is so brutal. What is this, Big Brother???????? They hate each other. If they were on Tinder, they would Super Hate each other. Jamie, why did you do this? This is such a bad idea.
10. Oh, it looks like Claire will have some ocean outfits after all! Excited to see those fancy Paris clothes again. Also, Jamie, you romantic old sod: "Sell them? Memories of you? Never."
11. I kind of feel bad for Fergus and Marsali, because even their relationship is a little bit about ClaMie. Like when Lil Ferg is trying to defend their hasty courtship: "If you were forced to marry Milady, then I am forced to breathe. My heart, it is forced to beat. You yourself have told me you wanted her more than life from the moment you saw her." I mean, true. But Marsali is still a nasty piece of work and I'm definitely not going to like her. That is, until she has a hard-won change of heart during some crisis point that is too long coming, yet is actually really nice, because imagine having Laoghaire as a mother, and then Claire is your stepmother, and you realize that's as good as you can get, stepmother-wise, really. Plus, she's from the future.
12. Aileen, Rhona, Cairstaine...I'm actually laughing out loud at Jamie's list of Fergus's past girlfriends, a.k.a. the Scottish version of "Mambo No. 5."
13. Captain Raines: "You and Mistress MacKimmie should be bare-breasted."
Claire:
14. First the wounds from last week, and now Jamie vomiting everywhere? NO GOOD, Outlander. NO GOOD AT ALL. Please stop with all this grody body stuff. If I wanted to look at blood and guts I would watch The Walking Dead. Please get back to the cuddly sexy things, thanks.
15. "Your testicles, they can get twisted." COME ON. That's something I definitely don't want to see. What is this, Grey's Anatomy? See above. I wish Claire was an accountant or something, and not basically a bloodhound.
16. Thing Jamie learned about this episode: "I don't know what a fizzle is."
17. Does this sea shanty actually contain a line about LOBSTERS...ON A C**T????????? Wow, it's official, I hate ships.
18. I've had acupuncture, and it's amazing. But I have never had needles put in my face. Dear God, I hope I never have to have them put in my face. Why does Jamie have to have the needles in his face? It's such a beautiful face. Also, not sure how Claire and Jamie are having such a serious conversation while his face looks like a porcupine.
19. Wait, did that sailor really just call Yi Tien Cho what I think he called him? Awesome. Love a bit of casual racism.
20. Yes, there have been a lot of emotional moments this season, but Claire recalling parts of Brianna's favorite childhood book is such a quiet, moving way to remind us just what she left behind when she went through the stones. Their relationship was far from perfect, but Claire's still a mother and always will be.
21. Did Captain Raines really just say that the sailors are going to throw someone overboard? That's horrific. (Pick Marsali. What! You're thinking it, too.)
22. Wait, why is Yi Tien Cho reading his 50 Shades of Grey fan fiction to everyone? "The taste of their breasts like apricots...the warmth of a mound that fills your hand like a ripe peach"? Everybody on the ship is like:
Just kidding, he's a generous genius who's willing to lose all of his life's work to make sure nobody gets killed. I hope this character's role isn't just going to be magically fixing things for everybody, though - that would be a real bummer.
23. This ClaMie sex scene is very sweet, with all the laughing and joking. I know they're in a hurry this time, but a little foreplay wouldn't go astray next time, Jamie Fraser.
24. So Jamie loves grey hair, eh? Excuse me, Mr. Fraser, I have a few things on my head I need you to look at. Surely this is just pandering to us: "If you were to say that in the twentieth century, you would be the king of all men." That's a fan call-out if ever I heard one. YES, WE LOVE JAMIE, OKAY?
25. How did Captain Thomas Leonard become the captain of anything? He is a child! He is the Justin Bieber of the English navy! Look at his moon baby face. Is he even allowed on a ship? Does his mother know where he is? Is this Baby Driver 2: Baby's At Sea? Someone help me understand.
26. OKAY NOW THIS TYPHOID FEVER VOMITING SH*T? I'M OUT.
27. Oh nooooooo. Captain Bieber kidnapped Claire!!!!!!! He's like, "I'm giving you a Purpose." (Sorry.) Jamie is not going to be happy about this. He's going to be like, "I see your absconding with my wife, and I raise you an OVER MY DEAD BODY." Come on! They literally just reunited! WILL THEIR PROBLEMS EVER END.
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