How to make an ordinary day memorable? Start now with a 'Saturday surprise'
#Makingmemories is one of Instagram’s most popular hashtags, with six million posts and counting. Adverts, from Don Draper’s ‘Kodak carousel’ presentation in Mad Men to the John Lewis annual Christmas weep-fest, rely on invoking the precious quality of memorable moments.
But – cued by the sentimental imagery of ads, film and TV – we tend to assume that the moments we’ll remember forever happen only on special occasions: sunshine holidays, snowy Christmas mornings, heart-tugging weddings, proud graduations… it seldom occurs to us that we might have some control over the memorable moments in our lives; that we can turn an ordinary Sunday afternoon into something we’ll always recall.
And because we mistakenly assume that these moments just happen to us, we’re missing out on the chance to proactively create more of them. Or at least, that’s the conclusion of Dan and Chip Heath, the US-based brothers whose popular sociology books Switch and Decisive have kept them on the bestseller lists, and who have now turned their attention to how and why we remember significant experiences in their new book, The Power of Moments.
‘Our research suggests that defining moments involve at least a couple of four key elements,’ says Dan. ‘Elevation, meaning a big boost to sensory pleasure or surprise; connection, where you share an emotional experience; insight, which redefines our understanding; and pride. Once we can understand what creates these moments, it gives us the ability to make more of them.’
Dan is also keen to point out that our memories are inaccurate. We remember the unusual and enjoyable bits – the ‘peak moments’ – and forget the negatives. To create memorable moments, then, the Heaths insist that we need to plan for them, to ‘build peaks’ into ordinary life. They also explain that ‘moments’ don’t have to be huge. ‘People tend to think a “peak life moment” means planting a flag on top of Everest or running a marathon,’ says Dan. ‘In fact, it can be as simple as having a really good, intimate conversation.’
But there is a science to transforming the everyday into the extraordinary. Start by following these steps…
Throw mini celebrations
When we’re young, life is full of milestones and congratulatory moments – certificates, sports medals, exam passes. As we age, we tend to simply assume we should be doing well, and any achievement may be marked with no more than a quick drink in the pub.
The Heaths recommend focusing on the achievements that make us proud, and holding ‘mini celebrations’ to fix the moment of glory in our minds, whether it’s overcoming a fear of spiders, being praised at work or losing half a stone. Don’t let successes slip by, however small. Mark them, with a cake in your favourite café, an evening out or a little gift to yourself.
Show gratitude
When kindness comes our way, for most of us a mumbled ‘ta’ and a smile is our idea of showing gratitude – we don’t tend to let it all out, weeping with thankfulness. And that, say the Heaths, is holding us back from creating one of the best types of memories.
‘One of the most powerful moments is something that’s both personal, and free: expressing thanks,’ says Dan. ‘Positive psychology research has found that happiness levels can spike for a full month after a gratitude moment.’
The Heaths advise going the extra mile and putting your feelings down on paper. If your Christmas thank-yous just extended to sending a message on WhatsApp with a kissing emoji, it’s not too late to crank it up a notch and put pen to paper. The best way to crystallise the moment? Deliver your thank-yous in person and get the full feel-good surge.
Do a ‘Saturday surprise’
The ‘script’, in social science terms, refers to our expectations of an experience – if you go to McDonald’s, you don’t expect a waiter to lay the table for you. If they did, you’d remember it. Deliberately breaking out of our usual patterns requires ‘strategic surprise’ explains Dan – which, in layman’s terms, translates as getting off your backside and making an effort.
Of course, some moments happen unexpectedly – a hilarious evening with friends, a passionate kiss – but once you’re settled in life, creating memorable times often takes planning. ‘When you ask people about their most memorable experiences, they tend to recall moments from the ages of 15 to 30,’ says Dan. ‘Research has shown that it’s the novelty factor that makes it memorable. It’s the first time for so many things: the first party, the first kiss, the first job… But as we age, these things lose their excitement.’
So what happens when you shake up your usual routine? ‘There is a study where researchers followed several couples for six weeks,’ says Dan. ‘The control group were just asked to do what they’d normally do – see films, go to restaurants. The other set of couples were asked to try things that break that pattern. Maybe they would try a new cuisine, or go to the theatre instead of the cinema. At the end, the couples who had tried the new ideas reported feeling far closer together.’
Dan and Chip also asked families to try a ‘Saturday surprise’ – simply breaking the routine with a new idea at the weekend – and found it was their most enjoyable part of the day. ‘Disrupting your own habits can be really powerful and bring a feeling of freshness and vulnerability to your relationships,’ says Dan. Ask interesting questions Defining moments aren’t just about excitement or novelty; they can also be about creating depth and connection. Every parent is weary of the usual post-school exchange – ‘what did you do today?’ ‘Nothing.’
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By contrast, the Heaths tell the story of Sara Blakely, the founder of Spanx underwear. Getting her product to market took endless persistence. She now cites a question her dad used to ask over dinner as the reason she wasn’t afraid of failure: ‘What did you fail at this week?’
‘It was an attempt to normalise failing, to see it as part of a normal conversation,’ says Dan. ‘But answering that created memorable insights, moments that Sara remembered later on.’
The question doesn’t have to be that dramatic – but while, ‘How was maths?’ is likely to get you nowhere, asking, ‘What was the worst thing about today?’ or ‘What did you like best?’ can lead to a much deeper, revelatory conversation.
Don’t, however, just listen to their answers, says Dan. ‘To create moments of real connection, there has to be equal vulnerability,’ he explains. ‘We need to share things in return, and out of that reciprocation, memorable exchanges can happen.’
So what are you waiting for? Go and make some memories. Right now.
‘The Power of Moments’ by Chip and Dan Heath (Bantam Press, £13.99) is out now
