OPINION: RUBY: Puzzling Conundrums

Apr. 4—Yes, I know, those are basically redundant terms. As a former English teacher, I should know better.

But right there is one for you—can you be a "former"? If you retire, are you no longer your profession?

Former lawyer? Former engineer? Former coach?

Well, maybe that, though I tend to think "Once a ______, always a _____(you fill it in)." I'd limit it to professions, though. I'd like to think there's hope for the stupid jerks, etc.

But anyway, I'm compiling a list. For example, I open a bag of wrapped candy. Say, Dove Easter chocolates. I dump them into a pretty dish.

Why do most of them land upside down? and yes, I stand there turning them right-side-up. They're supposed to look pretty sitting there.

I assume this is some law in physics. What are the odds of them landing right-side-up?

When I was in high school, our senior boys bragged about gambling in physics class, learning about the odds of winning. Serious stuff.

I now think the teacher was teaching them how to beat the odds in Las Vegas after graduation, with a secret pact to share their winnings . . .

But back to those conundrums. Why do all the companies peddling holiday candy omit St. Patrick's Day?

I can buy chocolates for Valentine's, Christmas, Halloween, but there's no green and gold for St. Pat's. Do they think no one's nibbling chocolate with their beer?

Well, here's another one. Why is it okay to eat donuts for breakfast but not cake? I've had carrot cake donuts and Boston cream donuts and cinnamon buns drenched in icing. But a slice of last night's birthday cake? My children are appalled.

Like donuts have some nutritional value? Or healthier calories? Or there's really a difference between "coffee" cake and "tea" cakes?

It reminds me of our great aunt who said it was okay to give my five year old niece ice cream for breakfast because it was made with milk. I wish she'd been my aunt.

Furthermore, if breakfast is such an important meal, which they say it is, why is it full of over-sugared cereals, sweetened fruit juices, and almost unlimited carb offerings? To say nothing of the super healthy bacon and ham . . .

Last week my favorite radio DJ cited a survey about grown "children" still getting Easter baskets. He thought the idea was odd.

I did that for years. I even hid the baskets. My kids never complained, though after twenty years in the same house, the hiding places were pretty obvious.

Now if that pleasure made me a strange mother, I have to say in self-defense that my mom sent me Easter baskets when I was in college, and she was one of the most down-to-earth people you'd want to know.

Of course, conundrums are not always food related. There's always the light bulb puzzle. Like when I put four bulbs in the overhead light all at the same time, why don't they all burn out at the same time? Even worse, why does one burn out pretty quickly and at least one of the others seems to last forever?

Maybe an electrician could answer that. Or is it also a law of physics?

Finally (for now), there's that news app on my phone. I should says "news" cautiously, because first off, what defines "news"? Does Queen Elizabeth's favorite President count? and if it's important, why is the article locked?

It seems like more and more of the articles are locked, which actually just makes my "news feed" one lengthy ad for magazine and newspaper subscriptions.

Why would I pay for all of those when I can just google most of the information if I really want to know? and why, if it's so important, is it locked anyway?

As I washed last night's dishes this morning, an NPR program observed that "we might be better off if we treated reality as if it were an illusion."

Now there's a good excuse to live in the la-la land of my mind. I'm not even going to try to figure that one out.

Meanwhile, that list continues to grow. "Former" or not, as an English teacher, I love words. Maybe I just need some more conundrum synonyms: enigma, mystery, riddle, brain-teaser, Catch-22 . . .