People Are Sharing How Their Parents' Marriage Had An Impact On Their Own Marriage, And I Didn't Realize How Real These Effects Were
Studies have shown that parents' marriages — healthy or unhealthy — could affect kids' future relationships. Knowing this, I turned to the BuzzFeed Community to ask how people made it a point to have a different marriage from the one they witnessed growing up. The answers are really eye-opening — here are some of them.
1."My parents have never had the strongest communication and my dad lacks a backbone. Their fights when I was a kid was my mom getting angry about shit that she expected him to know, and him just taking it. When she'd be more on the hostile side, he'd just stop speaking to her. They could go literally weeks on end without speaking more than two words at a time to each other. They didn't apologize, they'd just start talking again like it's normal. When I got older and they tried to include me in their fights, calling me separately to complain but not addressing it to each other, it was exhausting to me, to say the least."
"When I became friends with my now-husband, we talked about EVERYTHING. We'd check in with each other's emotions when we started seeing each other and worked constantly to improve our communication with one another. He witnessed my parents have one fight where we had to leave their house, and that was enough for both of us.
We still go out of our way to continue to check in, we both went to therapy to learn how to process our emotions in a healthy way, and I made it my goal to NOT end up like my parents. They're happy on the surface, but they push each other's buttons so much. My parents say that we're 'disgustingly in love' but they don't realize how much of that was deliberate and that we continue to evolve and grow together in a healthy way."
2."I'm not married but I grew up with insanely religious parents so they have a lot of views that I don't subscribe to. For instance, divorce is never ok even if there's infidelity or abuse. They think if you're being abused you should separate physically, but not get divorced. Because that's not how god designed it or some shit. Also, if a man cheats on me, I'm gone. No explanations, no questions asked. Gone."
3."Both I and my husband come from divorced parents. While we don’t know the ins and outs of why they divorced, we do know that our mothers are equally both incredibly narcissistic and created their own narratives regarding the splits, how they were blameless and the husbands were 100% the problem. We actually never wanted to get married but eventually did. We’ve been together for nine years and married for seven. The key to our marriage is respect and communication for sure."
"Without these things and without working hard to ensure that we’re both happy and equally respected, I can imagine that’s where a lot of marriages fall apart. We’re very aware that our parents are one of the main reasons for childhood trauma that we never want to impose on ourselves and subject our children to. Watching our mothers’ train wreck marriages not only to our fathers but subsequent marriages afterward has opened our eyes to what marriage should and shouldn’t be like."
4."My parents divorced when I was in elementary school. My mother was a saint and my dad was a cheater. She never ever let me see her upset and she never yelled until my dad would not stop trying to talk to her about it one day and she was obviously done. I only ever saw them yell at each other one time in my life but that was more than enough for me to not want that to happen. When I get upset with my partner, I do everything I can to lower my voice and not yell at them. It just makes me uncomfortable."
5."My parents are very conservative Christians. Growing up, it was a very rare occurrence if I even saw my parents hug, let alone share a kiss. They were basically just glorified roommates as far as I could tell and still are. They don't share a lot of the same interests and they never go on dates. For good reason, my husband and I are complete opposites. Our love language is very physical and we are always kissing and hugging."
"We have a lot of common interests and we go on dates as often as we can. Though we don't have children yet, we have both agreed that showing our love for each other is important. I want our kids to know that we're in love and care about each other's interests and opinions. That's something I never had growing up and I question my parents' reason for even getting married to this day."
6."I’m not married but I have been in a 12-year-long relationship and we live together. The biggest thing is changing how we communicate with each other. My parents are wonderful but don’t tell each other when they’re annoyed or angry and discuss it — they just snap at each other until there’s an argument. Same with my boyfriends — they’d let problems build up until it turned into a massive argument. When my partner and I have issues, we discuss them and explain why we’re annoyed and what we need from the other person. It’s not always perfect but it’s definitely better than their way."
7."My dad handles all the finances and bills despite the fact that my parents have a joint account. Admittedly, I'm bad at math and money stuff, but if I were married I would still want to know about the household funds and try to learn how to manage them."
8."We are respectful to each other and also say what’s on our minds. I’m sometimes around other couples and it’s clear that there is some kind of elaborate decoding going on. Who has time and energy for 'They said ok in a certain tone of voice so they must not really be ok?'"
9."I'm not married yet, but one thing I will NEVER do is stay together for the kids. My parents absolutely hated each other but kept getting back together because of these notions that it was better for us. I vividly remember my sister and I begging them to get divorced. So one thing I'll be doing very differently is splitting up with my partner if it's needed. If you don't love your partner, don't stay with them."
10."My parents put their kids first, to the detriment of their relationship. They never went on dates. My dad usually slept on the couch because my mom let the kids sleep in her bed. My husband and I are best friends. We make time for each other, we're affectionate with each other. Part of it is that we want to show our kids a healthy, happy marriage. Part of it is also that we are genuinely in love and low-key obsessed with each other."
11."I sometimes feel like we're the lucky ones. Setting dysfunction and suffering through it can make you more determined not to repeat the cycle."
12."My mother spent so much of my childhood complaining about my dad to me. It made me see my dad differently while also straining an already rough relationship I had with both my parents growing up. I make a point to NEVER complain about my husband to other people. The only stuff I really 'complain' about to my friends are things he and I have already discussed. That way I'm not talking about him behind his back. It helps that the only person I allow myself to talk about my husband with is my husband, the one who can fix any grievances I have. It goes both ways too. He ensures he respects me the same way when he's with his friends."
"Most importantly though, I've promised never to use my kids as a sounding board for my problems. It's not their job to worry. Let them be kids. We are grown-ups so we will fix our problems together."
13."My parents always fought in front of us and us kids had to be the referees. My partner and I, since day one of our relationship, have made a huge effort to communicate before anything gets to a level of a fight. It helps that we started out long distance for a year. It can be really hard to face uncomfortable feelings that come up when you’re building a life with another person, especially when you both have trauma. However, knowing that we have been together for four years and never once yelled at each other makes me proud when looking back on the shitshow of my childhood."
14."My parents divorced when I was seven. They didn't have any interests in common except a taste in music (as far as I can tell). At the weekends my dad would want to go hiking and my mum would want to stay in and read magazines. They both resented each other for it. I'm glad they divorced."
"Now they're remarried, my dad to someone he describes as being controlling and cold (who had and still has zero interest in my siblings and me). My mother married someone who is quite irresponsible contributes 0% to housework and also had zero interest in my siblings and me.
Somehow, I have managed to marry a man who is a doting father and who treats me with respect. We are a real team and love spending time together. If I ever did get remarried for whatever reason (which I find highly unlikely), I would prioritize my children and not end up with a partner who treated them with disdain and ignored them."
15."My parents would talk circles around a topic, basically arguing on the same side of things without ever realizing it. They’d also get frustrated at each other over the same things and not ever aim to resolve or compromise."
"I’ve made it a point to recognize each other’s feelings, and to hear what it is we’re actually trying to say to each other."
16."I made it a point to prioritize learning how to communicate in a healthy way with my spouse. All I ever saw growing up was passive-aggressive behavior instead of addressing and working through a problem head-on. It’s so much simpler to just talk to your partner instead of slamming doors and stomping around the house for a few days over it."
17."I grew up in a very emotionally unstable household. My father had countless affairs and my mother and he barely even spoke. It was tense every time I walked into the house. Every family event or holiday was ruined by their fighting. They were unhappy so they both took it out on my brother and me. We were torn down mentally every day. I had zero self-esteem and felt so worthless my entire childhood."
"As a parent now, I have made it my goal to provide my son with everything I didn't have. I tell him I love him multiple times a day. We do tons of fun things together. We apologize and hug it out after disagreements. He is the best part of my life and I make sure he knows that! I will ALWAYS be there for him.
Also, as a child, we never went on vacation because my parents couldn't be in the same room together for that long. I had begged to go to Wisconsin Dells and to Disney (we had the money) but vacations just didn't happen. So now I'm making a point to take my son to all the places I never got to go, which has been therapeutic for me and fun for him!"
18."My mother still thinks that a wife needs to manipulate her husband and let him think things are his "idea" when you want something. It's very old-fashioned and is clearly one of the many ways my mother (a southern boomer) maintains misogyny as a woman. Whenever I talk about a disagreement between me and my partner, this is her immediate and only advice. She will brag about how things went her way, be it her point in an argument or what to have for dinner that night, using this method instead of clearly communicating with her partner.
After seeing her two marriages crash and burn, I knew I never wanted to play games like this with my husband. We make it a point to listen to what the other has to say with no judgement. We respect each other as equals. Were her husbands the perfect communicators? No, probably not. But she made things a million times harder by not saying what she really wanted and trying to control them. She has no problem being clear with her children, female friends, etc. Why should a man, particularly your partner be any different?
19.Growing up, my parents were always on the same page when it came to raising my brother and I. We grew up knowing we would always be loved and that we could rely on them for anything. That being said, my parents have never had a marriage I looked up to or hoped for. They grew into different people with different expectations for how life was going to go.
This led to both of them sacrificing pieces of themselves and I watched as resentment began to build over the years. Instead of letting go of their pride and working together to mend their relationship, they became passive aggressive towards each other. They love each other as best they can but they're not IN LOVE with each other. I wish they would just go to therapy and say everything they haven't said so they can move forward or move on. I feel like my marriage is so different. He's my best friend, the love of my life, my teammate and the kindest person I know. He's someone I respect and who respects me and I don't think my parents feel that way about each other. My husband and I are young but I can tell you that when you're inevitably facing problems and tough times, it's such a relief to know that your partner is in the trenches with you instead of fighting against you.
—Clare B
20.My parents had an arranged marriage and a 13 year age gap. I've watched my mom treat my dad badly my entire life. The things I'm doing differently in my marriage are showing affection, saying I'm sorry, and being respectful to my partner. I'm not perfect and picked up a lot of toxic behaviors from my mom, but with time I have learned to recognize and correct them.
—Anonymous
21."My parents are still together but my mom is very affectionate whereas my dad is not. I only saw my parents kiss a handful of times. I never wanted that. I wanted a man who would slap my ass, hold my hand, and kiss me every day. And that's exactly what he does and I couldn't be happier."
—Anonymous
