How to Open Your Relationship, According to a Sex Therapist
Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. Welcome to Sexual Resolution, a biweekly column by sex therapist Vanessa Marin answering your most confidential questions to help you achieve a healthy, joyful sex life. Here, she answers a reader who is considering opening up her relationship with her partner.
DEAR VANESSA: My partner and I have a near-perfect relationship and are so compatible in every way except for one... sex. My partner wants it all the time, and I could not care less. It's impossibly difficult for both of us, but neither of us wants to throw away a good thing just because of sex. We've talked about opening up our relationship so my partner can get sexual satisfaction and we can still stay together. Do you think it's a good idea? — Poly-Curious, 31
DEAR P.C.: It sounds like both you and your partner are being honest with each other about your sexual needs. I like that you two are trying to figure out ways to respect and honor both sets of needs in your relationship. These are hard conversations to have, so I just want to give you a shout-out for doing a great job.
Opening up a relationship can be a fantastic way to navigate big mismatches in sexual needs. But before I answer your question, I have a question for you: Do you want to want sex? Or are you content not desiring sex? You explain that you "could not care less" about sex, so my guess is that you’d answer the latter. However, sex drive is such a complicated issue that I feel compelled to double-check.
It's perfectly healthy, normal, and acceptable for you to not desire sex — really, it is. Plenty of people don’t have strong sexual appetites, or any at all. (You may want to check out asexuality.org if you’re curious to learn more about people who don’t feel the desire for sex.) If you’re clear that you don’t want to want an active sex life with your partner, that’s wonderful clarity to have.
But if you want to want sex, then there may be some work that you could do with your sex drive. Our sex drives are very sensitive and can be affected by many factors, like stress, anxiety, depression, medications, medical conditions, hormone levels, past sexual abuse, relationship dynamics, and more. If your sex drive is very low or has been low for a long time, it’s easy to think that that pattern will continue for the rest of your life. But there are plenty of things you can do to revive your libido and get it to a range that feels good for you. If you want to want sex, there are ways to get there. It just boils down to what your goals are for your sex life.
An open relationship can ensure your partner gets their sexual needs met while you maintain your special connection.
If you don’t want to have an active sex life with your partner, opening up the relationship can be a great way to navigate the big differences in your desires. Most of us have really narrow definitions of relationships, but the reality is that we can be so much more creative with those definitions. If you and your partner have an amazing connection outside of the bedroom, I agree with you that it would be a shame to throw that away because you’re not in alignment inside the bedroom. An open relationship can ensure that your partner gets their sexual needs met while maintaining your special connection to each other.
The first thing I recommend is that the two of you do some research. Whenever I’m working with a couple contemplating an open relationship, I tell them to read The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino is another great read for those who are interested in polyamory.
There are so many open relationship configurations that you can try, depending on your desires and preferences, and these books are great primers. Read together, talk through the options that the two of you could pursue, and see what kinds of reactions come up for each of you. You want to feel like a team, making a decision together.
Based on my experience guiding couples through this process, here are some questions you may want to consider:
Are you open to your partner having purely sexual relationships with other people, or can there be dating and/or romantic relationships involved? (This is a huge question that deserves careful consideration.)
Do you want to know about your partner’s experiences with other people? What specific information do you want to be told or not told?
How will your partner find other partners? (For example, maybe you don’t want your partner to put up an online dating profile in case you have friends who might see it.)
Are there certain people who are off the table? (For example, maybe you wouldn’t want your partner to hook up with people you know.)
How will your partner protect themselves and their other partners from STIs and pregnancy (if applicable)?
How often can your partner pursue sexual relationships with other people?
Are certain sexual activities on or off the table?
Are you going to tell other people in your life about your arrangement, or keep it a secret?
How will you support each other when strong emotions come up, or if one partner has questions about continuing the arrangement?
You may also want to work with a couples or sex therapist to help guide you two through this transition. Make sure the person you work with is familiar with and nonjudgmental of nonmonogamous relationship arrangements. (Ask them directly.) Having someone to guide you through the process can be extremely beneficial.
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Vanessa Marin is a licensed sex therapist based in Los Angeles. You can find her on Twitter, Instagram, and her website.
