Only Child Syndrome Isn't Real Say These Black Moms

The cost of living and high rates of maternal mortality may deter Black mothers from having more than one child—but their kids are still alright.

“Did you ever think about having more kids?”

Someone casually asked me this once in an elevator when I was leaving a department store with my then-toddler-now-tween tugging at my jacket. I didn’t know this person from a hole in the wall, and yet they expected me to sum up my family planning in the few minutes it would take to travel to the first floor.

“No,” I said, lying. Because, of course, I thought about having more kids. Whether your children are planned, unplanned, or something in between, the contemplation of having more is inevitable.

My truth at the time was that my marriage was beginning to fall apart, and even though I had also auto-fixated the idea of having another child within a few years of my first, it no longer felt feasible. Then timing never seemed to align with the few post-divorce partners I had, and as my son got older and my life began to feel more settled, raising one child just felt right to me.

As a creative, it was easier to dip in and out of freelancing with an only child. It was easier to afford childcare, extracurricular activities, tutors, and a constant supply of sneakers and clothes. I don’t have to work so much that we can’t spend time together. His father and I both structure our work and lives around our son’s needs. And while some people may see that as spoiling a child, I just see it as sustainable.

If we lived in a society that offered free universal healthcare, cheaper tuition for better education, safer maternity care, and a more realistic living wage, then the idea of having multiple children might appeal to more people. But with the declining state of family resources and support in the US, so declines the interest in raising large families. There are also more families that exist outside of the nuclear family model than there have been in the past. For example, people raising children with platonic friends, couples who break up and co-parent, and of course, the millions of families who are impacted by death or incarceration. These families often get an even shorter end of the stick when it comes to finding support and resources in systems that are still biased toward the husband-wife-kids model.

Family Planning While Black

For Black women, the decision to have multiple children is a bit more complex. We face much higher risks in pregnancy and childbirth thanks to a willfully neglectful and racist medical system. Not to mention the emotional roller coaster of raising children who are undoubtedly met with less empathy and compassion. So, I asked a little over a dozen Black mothers who are also raising solo kids, and unsurprisingly, a handful of them said difficult pregnancies or deliveries were the main reason they chose to stop at one. 

“I wasn't sure I even wanted a child after watching a family member almost die after giving birth from postpartum preeclampsia,” said 42-year-old IT project manager, Kee Coates, who went on to have a cesarian birth. Another mom, 28-year-old Layana Lewis, said that she initially wanted to have a large family before suffering from hyperemesis gravidarum and a late-term miscarriage, but she and her husband decided to stop after their son was born. For those of us who have been overprescribed, underdiagnosed, and generally pushed and shoved around by gynecology and obstetrics providers since our first period, pregnancy and postpartum life is rife with fears and precautions, not to mention generational cycles.

But aside from an array of medical complications that Black women are disproportionately exposed to, plenty of us choose to have small families simply because we don’t want to be mentally or emotionally incapacitated by the rigors of parenthood, especially while balancing busy careers, hectic lives, and waning support.

“Before becoming a mother, I had been working as a beauty director and doing the hybrid work life,” said Dana Oliver,  who spent a large amount of her time commuting between her home in Philly and New York. “I just knew that having more than one child would stretch me in ways that were unhealthy, unpredictable, and unrealistic.”

Another mom, 29-year-old experience producer Ciara Jibri, also said that her career was the main reason for not having more than one child. “It really does take a village to raise a child,” she said, “so to have more children; that requires more support, more money, more time.”

It Takes a Village

As much as critics pick apart the choice to keep things singular, there is decidedly less interest in helping out. “Like any Black southern woman, I've gotten questions such as ‘When will you have another one?’ Or, ‘Are you sure that you're one and done?’” Dana explained. “Meanwhile, the majority of these people have not offered to support me.”

Our society has a nasty habit of isolating women in motherhood, expecting them to do it all while applauding from the sidelines. But what about applauding us for choosing rest? For leaning into ease? For raising a family from a place of measured capacity or even abundance?

There’s no doubt that the pressure to have multiple kids is embedded in the fabric of our society. They even named a “syndrome” after it, portraying sibling-free kids as reclusive, friendless, and chronically selfish. The controversial ‘only child syndrome’ seems to stem from a survey called A Study of Peculiar and Exceptional Children in the 1800s by a child psychologist named E.W. Bohannon. His review of 200 children proposed to determine that without siblings, children would be spoiled and overly sensitive. Although more recent research proves Bohannon’s theories to be incorrect, society still feels pre-set to siblings.

But just because we don’t have multiple kids being raised in our homes, doesn’t mean our kids are lonely or weird. Siblings, while often frustrating and teeming with competition, are definitely an enriching experience. I myself grew up with a sister who was only two years my senior and, therefore, my default best friend. That also meant default playdates for my mom. I also had someone to play Barbies with, explore our neighborhood with, get into trouble with, and navigate growing up with. So our mom didn’t have to think much about whether or not we were lonely or bored, or disengaged.

Building a village around a oneling is vital, but it isn’t easy. We have to be proactive and chatty and be willing organizers of playdates and sleepovers. And, depending on circumstances, this can feel anywhere from easy to impossible. Ellen Cappard, a 40-year-old bookstore owner and mother to Sophie, who has Cerebral Palsy and epilepsy says while providing resources for her only child is much easier, the village part gets tough. “Sophia is a complex care child, meaning there's a lot in her day-to-day care that goes into caring for her,” said Cappard, whose thirteen-year-old daughter is the surviving twin. “I appreciate that my community gives us support and encouragement to keep going.”

Now that I’m raising an only child, kinship is incredibly important to me. I keep an open-door policy for his friends. About every weekend, at least one of my son’s friends is at our house, playing with him in the backyard or assisting him in devouring the snacks in our kitchen. I’m often grabbing an extra kid from school and toting them back home with us. Every summer, I host my niece, who lives in California,  for a few weeks of cousin time here in New York. My son is usually on FaceTime chatting with his friends or playing remote Roblox games, and his own friends' group is dominated by other only children who seek siblingship outside the traditional norms.

Plenty of moms I talked to with grown solo kids can attest to the work of building a community around their children. Joan Pinnock, a 61-year-old retired attorney, raised her now-35-year-old daughter to be the center of a rich group of friends. “From even a young age, [Danielle] was able to create a safe space for her community. Our home was a non-judgment zone. Anybody and everybody would come to our home, and I would cook or take her friends out to eat,” said Joan, whose daughter Danielle now stars in the CBS comedy Ghosts and lives with her husband in Los Angeles. “I wanted to prepare her for the real world however I could. Danielle’s friends are our family, and I have a lot of surrogate children now because of her artistic community.”

The Kids Are Alright

With the realities of motherhood overwhelm, inequitable domestic dynamics, and the lie of work-life balance coming into the mainstream, the jig is up. Women are less interested in completely saturating themselves in motherhood and partnership and the traditionally gendered descriptors that come with it. It’s important for women not to be discouraged away from having a family just because their healthiest version doesn’t look like the Cosbys or the Winslows. It’s ok to have the family you can afford without being pressured to multiply the colossal weight that society puts on families. Yes, our kids are bored more often, and we often end up their default playmates, especially when they’re younger, but they also get to be centered more.

Susan Newman, Ph.D., wrote The Case for the Only Child (2011) and spoke to a bevy of onelings between the ages of 20 and 70 and found that most of them felt that they greatly benefited from being raised with sufficient resources that didn’t have to be rationed among multiple children. They also said they had closer relationships with their parents. She referenced a study where one participant said that her parents are like her best friends.  Another participant said, “I actually hang out with my parents a lot, whereas most of my other buddies don’t.” Closeness to parents, of course, isn’t determined by the amount of children you have. But it is more likely that one child will feel like the “favorite” while the other may feel less favored. And since time is also a resource, raising one child makes it easier to spend concentrated time with your kid, focus on their needs and not feel pulled away.

Statistically and realistically, there are benefits and drawbacks to every parent's path. Having multiple children provides baked-in comradery and companionship while having one allows parents the freedom and resources to focus on their kid’s individual growth. Either way you go, curating a community of support (whether for babysitters or playmates) is undeniably the most vital necessity. So whether your kid is somewhere talking to their imaginary friend right now or swinging from the rafters with their sibling, they will grow up to be just fine as long as you are.

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