Spoilers for Godzilla vs. Kong ahead, but like... you knew that, right?
For those able to see it in theaters (finally) or those queueing up on HBO Max, Godzilla vs. Kong is the match of, if not the century, the weekend. But if you're only mildly curious about the big battle between the big lizard and the big monkey, don't stress it. I'll let you know what happens.
This movie is wild. Who wins the titular monster fight is probably the only thing I can explain. Don't ask me why King Kong is living in what's basically the arena from the Hunger Games at the beginning of this movie. Don't ask me whether or not Godzilla is being mind-controlled or manipulated at the beginning of this movie. Don't ask me why they're even fighting in the first place, because the only real explanation I've come up with is that there can only be one big, scary thing. Definitely don't ask me what a "hollow Earth" is, or how Millie Bobby Brown gets in what looks like one of those pneumatic tubes they have at the bank in Florida, and comes out in Hong Kong. None of that matters, thank Ghidorah.
Which titan wins? Who's the goodest boi? The answer is... nobody wins! They both win? Yay friendship! Honestly, the "winner" of Godzilla vs. Kong is my renewed attraction to Alexander Skarsgård and the hot nerd he plays in this movie after two seasons of Big Little Lies put those feels on hiatus. Essentially—after several rounds of fighting I've broken down below—Godzilla vs. Kong ends in a draw, as it should, because a bigger threat enters the chat. More on that later.
Round 1: Godzilla wins
The first time they meet, about a third of the way through the film, Godzilla definitely beats Kong by pulling him underwater. The only reason Kong survives is because of his human pals. They're able to disorient Godzilla while Kong swims to safety. That's friendship, babes.
Round 2: Kong wins
The second time they meet, in Hong Kong, the monkey totally wins. You can tell because Skarsgård's character says, "looks like round 2 goes to Kong" almost directly to camera. We call that cinema.
Round 2.5: Godzilla wins
But unfortunately, it's a short-lived victory. Godzilla gets back up and within minutes has Kong pinned. Welp. They scream at each other. Like, we get it. You're both big.
Round 3: Kong helps Godzilla... and wins
Turns out none of this matters because a FRIGGIN' ROBOT LIZARD shows up called "Mechagodzilla" (okay) and starts wailing on the regular Godzilla, who is tired after so much fighting. Kong's bestie (an adorable little girl named Jia who, IMO, is worth watching the whole movie for, apart from Skarsgård) convinces him that Mechagodzilla is the real enemy. Kong gets himself up, dusts himself off, and tries all over again, this time at his former rival's side. He ultimately is the one to tear the robot's head off. Heck yes.
So like, technically Godzilla beats Kong more times than Kong beats Godzilla when it comes to their little scrapes... but the big kill goes to Kong. But they each had their moments, you know? You could keep arguing that your favorite apex predator really won on the proverbial playground forever, and that's why this movie low-key rules.
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