Is it OK to take a young child to a funeral?

Seeing the distress on her 10-year-old daughter Charlotte’s face as her mother-in-law’s coffin was carried into church, Katherine Nicholson instantly regretted allowing her child to attend a funeral so young. “She was distraught,” says Katherine. “She couldn’t take her eyes off the coffin and was sobbing as she gripped my hand.

“Charlotte’s weeping continued throughout the service, but when I offered to step outside with her she smiled, shook her head, and insisted she wanted to stay.”

Charlotte and her grandmother, who died last year aged 84, were extremely close. But when funeral arrangements were discussed, Katherine, a publisher from Ipswich, presumed her daughter wouldn’t attend. She says: “I thought 10 was too young to be exposed to the grief of a funeral. They’re emotionally draining, and the idea of my child experiencing something so harrowing seemed cruel.

“Her grandmother dying was her first experience of death. I thought that was enough for her to have to deal with at that age.”

But Charlotte, and Katherine’s husband, Nick, a college lecturer, were adamant she should attend. “Charlotte wanted to say a proper goodbye, and Nick felt it wrong to skirt around the fact that death and the rituals surrounding it are a part of life,” says Katherine.

“As she became increasingly distraught at the idea of being somewhere else while we were at the funeral, I started to think that perhaps she really did need to be there with us so that she could feel a part of it all.”

Deciding whether it is appropriate for a child at primary school to attend a family funeral is something parents are unlikely to consider until they have to.

According to a British Social Attitudes survey, almost half of people (48 per cent) think that children under 12 should attend funerals, while just over a quarter (26 per cent) believe they should be kept away. The remainder say the child’s maturity and relationship would be deciding factors.

It’s a dilemma, and one that crops up regularly on a helpline run by the childhood bereavement charity, Winston’s Wish.

“There’s understandable anxiety, especially when there are conflicting opinions between family members on what’s the right thing to do,” says Di Stubbs, a child bereavement expert with 20 years’ experience, who works on the helpline. “We can’t give people the answer – this is their family and everyone’s situation is personal to them. But what we can do is speak as outsiders and share, through our many years of experience, the child’s perspective on this.”

Of great significance, says Di, is that, of the thousands of children Winston’s Wish has supported through bereavement since its inception 25 years ago, none have ever said after the funeral of a loved one that they regretted attending.

But she adds: “We’ve spoken to hundreds of children who didn’t go and they say they do regret that. Funerals are desperately sad occasions, but sadness isn’t something children need to be protected from – it’s a very natural part of grief.”

Dr Katie Koehler, child psychologist and deputy director of Bereavement Support and Education for Child Bereavement UK, points out that most adults gain comfort from the opportunity to say goodbye at a funeral, and that this is no different for children.

“However, it is important that they are given the choice to be there or not, and are well prepared for what to expect,” she says.

“A very young child, toddler, or even a baby can be there with the rest of the family. Although they may not understand at the time, when they grow older children appreciate knowing that, along with everyone else, they were a part of this important event.”

Our 11-year-old daughter, Bridie, recently attended the funeral of her great-aunt, who died aged 91. This was someone we loved, and who had lived a long and interesting life; we knew the occasion would be desperately sad, but also an opportunity to celebrate a life lived well. Both my husband and I thought our daughter should be a part of that. In preparation, beforehand we showed her pictures of the crematorium where the service would be held, and explained the rituals that would take place.

“It’s also important to prepare your child for the fact that lots of people around them will be dreadfully upset,” says Di. “Tell them, ‘yes, I will be crying my heart out, because I will be so desperately sad.’ But also let them know that you will still be around for cuddles, and even play a game together before bed.

PREPARING A CHILD FOR THE SERVICE

“We have this terrible protection racket going on with children when we decide to hide our feeling during times of grief. But actually, they need to know that adults can feel huge things and yet somehow still be able to get up and carry on. By seeing that Mummy got upset after Granny’s funeral, but was still able to blow her nose and go to the shop for milk, they will understand that you can withstand death.”

After her grandmother’s funeral Charlotte insisted she was glad she went. “She said it was sad but not at all frightening,” says Katherine. “She enjoyed hearing people talking about her grandmother, both during the service and afterwards, and enjoyed hearing stories about her life that were new to her.” Our daughter expressed similar sentiments.

But while their experiences were positive, Di says it’s important for children to know it’s OK not to go – and that there are alternatives.

“If there are family tensions or complications, you can still do something special to remember a loved one, and perhaps get someone who attended to bring back a service sheet, so your child has something real to hold on to.

“And if someone thinks, ‘Oh no, I didn’t let her go to her granny’s funeral and now I wish I had’, you can hold a memorial service or gather somewhere that was special to the person who died and remember them together.”