Ohtani Makes (More) History, Caitlin Clark Goes Even Harder, and 22 Other Things That Will Definitely Happen in 2024

Photographs: Getty Images; Collage: Gabe Conte

The new year is all about making grandiose plans for the next 12 months. Most of those—the classic get in shape, take more vacation days, finally ask that person out—are within our control. But it’s also fun to make pert predictions about the world around us, to theorize on what will be in and what will be out.

With sports, there’s already a nice framework in place. We already know what events will go down, and we can make pretty educated guesses about what teams, players, and vibes will be there. The fun is in the specifics—how will America make the Olympics about us?—and a fun cast of characters opens up a world of possibilities. Here’s our totally serious, definitely-going-to-come-true prognostications.

There will be a Super Bowl commercial for Ozempic.

Come on, this one feels inevitable. The only question is which celebrity will lend their face to the Ozempic cause.

Odell Beckham and the Ravens win the Super Bowl—then he goes on Dancing With The Stars and easily wins that, too.

The inimitable receiver already seems to have every dance move in the book, and as he starts to seriously explore post-football options, he realizes that the dancefloor is his new gridiron.

Caitlin Clark drops 50 points in an NCAA Tournament game.

After getting to the league, her first WNBA showdown against Angel Reese sets a new regular-season attendance record, too.

The men’s college basketball national championship ends with both teams scoring fewer than 60 points.

While college football is currently wrapping up a dizzyingly entertaining season, and the women’s game continues reaching new heights, men’s college basketball feels as irrelevant as it’s ever been. This culminates in a total clunker at the national championship in Phoenix—reminiscent of the infamous 53-41 UConn vs. Butler natty—potentially leading to some rule changes that aim to increase offense.

Jim Harbaugh leaves the University of Michigan for the NFL, where he pairs up with Caleb Williams to reboot the Washington Commanders.

You can’t get recruiting violations in the NFL! In his short-lived stint coaching on Sundays—with a dynamic, young quarterback to boot!—Harbaugh went 44-19-1 and took the 49ers to three straight conference championship games. Resurrecting the doomed franchise in Washington is a much bigger job, but it’s not impossible. Everyone knows that success in the NFL begins and ends with a strong quarterback-head coach combo, and you could certainly do worse than establishing a new era with Williams (a DMV native!) and Harbaugh.

The Minnesota Timberwolves secure the West’s No. 1 seed for the first time in 20 years and are rewarded with a matchup against either Steph Curry, LeBron James, or Kevin Durant in the first round of the playoffs.

Congratulations, Minnesota! You’ve earned this. The state has endured literal decades of bad basketball while waiting for a team like this, which features two former No. 1 overall picks and a three-time Defensive Player of the Year. The T-Wolves’ best season since the Garnett days earns them the best record in the conference and ships them right into a series against one of the best players ever.

Nikola Jokic wins another championship…and immediately retires.

Before even leaving the court following a five-game disposal of the Bucks, Jokic issues an “I’m done” and rides a horse out of the arena.

A notable politician gets embroiled in a sports gambling scandal.

Gambling has taken over professional sports in a way that deserves its own longer, more thoughtful analysis, but with an election right around the corner, someone on Capitol Hill gets into a prickly parlay.

Baseball players are allowed to use Elf Bars in the dugout.

The photos won’t be as iconic as the ones from the ‘70s and ‘80s where guys were facing darts with startling informality, but in an attempt to appeal to the younger generation, MLB embraces the elf.

An American athlete sparks an accidental controversy at the Olympics when they’re photographed smoking a cigarette.

Speaking of cigarettes! This will almost certainly be a swimmer, because if a skateboarder was seen ripping a heater on the streets of Paris, everyone would just be like, “Yeah, of course.” With swimmers—a notoriously rowdy bunch—the negative health effects on their lungs, plus the negative message it sends aspiring swimmers, becomes a talking point for several days.

Shohei Ohtani becomes the first player to hit for the cycle in the World Series, but the Dodgers lose to the Mariners or Orioles. Literally whomever.

Same as it ever was.

Tyler Herro gets a face tat.

And you know what? It totally works for him.

The WNBA announces an expansion team.

Megan Rapinoe and Sue Bird are part of the ownership group.

Brooklyn fashion guys ironically wearing NASCAR merch gives way to actual, unironic NASCAR fandom, a la the post-Drive to Survive Formula 1 craze.

Bars in Williamsburg and Greenpoint are standing room only for the Daytona 500. Cities like Nashville, Austin, Chicago, and Denver get really into it too.

Steve Ballmer gets ejected from a playoff game.

Rather than going the traditional Notes app route, the loutish Clippers’ owner issues his apology with a screenshot of a Microsoft Word document.

An American man wins a tennis major for the first time since 2003.

The Roddick Curse will be broken! As of this writing, five of the top 25 men’s players in the WTA rankings are from the U-S of A. Smart money is on Frances Tiafoe or Ben Shelton, but don’t sleep on Taylor Fritz either.

Pickleball goes out with a whimper.

On the heels of that American tennis revival, pickleball fades away for good.

The Stanley Cup Final takes place exclusively in cold weather cities.

You might be thinking, “So what?” Well, that hasn’t happened since 2013! That was a Chicago-Boston series, much more evocative of a frozen winter sport than the years since, when places like Vegas, Tampa, Nashville, San Jose, and Sunrise, Florida have hosted a handful of hockey's biggest games.

Justin Fields, Marvin Harrison Jr., and Derrick Henry lead the Chicago Bears back to the playoffs.

No one feels more like a Chicago Bears running back than King Henry, who is a free agent heading into the 2024 campaign. You can practically picture him lumbering off the field with his jersey caked in Soldier Field mud after a 175-yard, two touchdown day. The Bears—who have the same feel as the Lions did this time last year—become a much more attractive destination after drafting Marv in April.

The NBA holds the championship game of the 2024 In-Season Tournament at The Sphere.

Depth perception issues lead to a poor shooting performance from both teams, causing a prominent player to tweet ill about The Sphere.

The first 12-team College Football Playoff includes a game where somebody loses by 50.

Watering down the field doesn’t seem like the answer! Eight teams has always been the way. Under the new 12-team format—which debuts at the end of the 2024 season—one team from both the American Athletic Conference and Conference USA is guaranteed a spot. Hope you like watching Tulane, Memphis, or Liberty try to keep up with an SEC team!

And now, a little help from my friends, who chimed in with some guest predictions.

The Canadian men’s basketball team win gold at the 2024 Olympics.

Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, RJ Barrett, and Dillon Brooks—the eternal pest who, when draped in the red-and-white of his home nation, undergoes an Olympic Melo-like transformation—led Canada to their first Olympic berth since Steve Nash’s 2000 squad by securing a bronze medal at last summer’s FIBA World Cup. Now, unleashed on the world’s biggest stage for the first time, this young, hungry, absurdly talented group will look to leapfrog up the podium. Who’s going to stop them—an almost-40 LeBron, a perpetually injured KD, and Steph Curry coming off a slump of a Warriors season? Doubtful.

The rise of Olympic breakdancing will cause an unprecedented wave of dance-circle-related injuries during summer wedding season.

Breaking, the latest addition to the Games, will—much as skateboarding did at Tokyo 2020—no doubt become the talk of Paris 2024. Just steer clear of your Uncle Frank on the dancefloor at your cousin’s nuptials in August when he tries to boozily recreate the gold-winning performance and winds up dislocating a shoulder and punting a bystander in the chin in the process. -Yang-Yi Goh

Shai Gilgeous-Alexander will stage a photoshoot recreating Princess Diana’s most iconic street style outfits.

He would look great in a ’90s Escada blazer. -Eileen Cartter

Originally Appeared on GQ