How to Officiate Your Friend's Wedding
Officiating at your friend's wedding is about as common as godparenting these days—except there's no risk of getting stuck with guardianship. So it pays to know how to officiate a wedding. Another benefit: if you handle this, you’re likely off the hook for any bachelor party organizing duties (so grab some popcorn and enjoy that disaster of a reply-all email chain). Oh, and did we mention the life-affirming tingle you'll feel while facilitating the union of two previously lonely earth creatures? That too! So here's how to set about the task at hand as if you actually had the ecclesiastical juice.
1. Ask Them: Why Me?
You're not fishing for compliments; you're gathering crucial intel. If they say “Because you knew Steve back when he was shattering collegiate flip-cup records,” your assignment is a lot different than “Because your track changes on Steve's lit-mag submissions were so insightful.”
2. Get Ordained
Got five minutes and an Internet connection? Congrats, you're a Universal Life Church minister! But read the qualifications carefully. Some states and counties have extra steps (in New York City, for example, you've got to register with the city clerk). Be wary: once you know how to officiate a wedding, you might become the go to guy in your friend group.
3. Stick to a Script
Open a blank Google doc. Create section headers as follows: Introduction, Readings, Officiant Remarks, Vows, Ring Exchange, Kiss. You’re responsible for "officiant remarks," but everything else is up to the affianced. You can help them out by copying and pasting some boiler plate script for them to tweak.
4. It's Not An Extended Toast
You're not going for laughs. Don't rehash wild times. At no point should you utter the words, “This guy knows what I'm talking about.”
5. It's Not a Sermon
Despite your freshly laminated minister ID card (which, it's important to note, confers no parking privileges), you’re not an actual member of the clergy. If you attempt to say something new and profound about love, commitment, or "these troubled times" you have already failed. Instead, tell a brief and highly specific story that exemplifies the special bond these two people share. Think of yourself as one part traffic cop and one part Academy Awards host. Less tends to be more. The glory in officiating comes from letting the gravitas and beauty of the occasion do the talking.
6. But You Should At Least Pretend To Be A Holy Man
Life offers but few opportunities to invest in a leather-bound folio. This is one of them. Relish it. And make sure you look the part with a suit and tie, etc. Full papal regalia, however, is not encouraged. Unless you're at Burning Man.
