Not Coming Home for the Holidays? Here’s How to Break the News to Your Family
By now, you know that this year’s holiday season can’t go on like normal. COVID-19 infections are surging across the country, with small gatherings among family and friends fueling the rise in cases. That means now is a crucial time to weigh safety against comfort.
Everything we love to do during holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas—eating, drinking, hugging, singing, traveling, and even just being in the same room as loved ones—is exactly what public health officials urge us to avoid when we’re with people from outside of our households. Even masked, outdoor gatherings are risky, per guidance from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).
According to a recent national survey from The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center, nearly 40% of Americans expect to attend a holiday gathering with 10 or more people, and a third will not ask guests to wear masks.
More likely than not, some loved ones won’t be on the same page as you, and they might be disappointed to learn you won’t be joining them. But if you’re choosing to keep your distance this year, you are making a good call, even if your family and friends disagree. Here’s how to break the news with as little stress as possible, according to experts.
Feel confident in your decision.
When dealing with parents or other relatives, it’s too easy to cede some of your control. “I really want people to embrace their authority in this particular instance,” explains Elaine Swann, etiquette expert and founder of the Swann School of Protocol. “This is one time where the decision that we make can protect not only ourselves, but others. Stand firm in your ‘No, not at this time.’”
COVID-19 is the most obvious reason to skip family holidays this year, but it’s also not the only one. “Our situations change all the time in ways that place different demands on our time, finances, ability to handle stress, and health,” says Jessica P. Lougheed, Ph.D., assistant professor in psychology at the University of British Columbia Okanagan. “It is OK to feel [you can’t go home] this year during the pandemic, just as it would be OK to feel that way any other year.”
Start the conversation as soon as possible.
The best time to break the news? As as soon as you feel firm in your choice, explains board-certified psychologist David H. Rosmarin, Ph.D., assistant professor in psychology at Harvard Medical School and founder of the Center for Anxiety. “Say it soon, say it clearly, and most of all initiate [the conversation]. You don’t want to wait for them to bring it up,” he explains. “For Thanksgiving, I hope you’ve done it already.”
Lougheed recommends being mindful of your family’s schedule. “It can be helpful to time this conversation for when the other person will be most receptive to this news,” she says. “Calling them as soon as they get home at the end of a long work day, or other times of the day or week that may tend to be more stressful, is not the best time to have these kinds of conversations. Instead, try to have this conversation at a time when you know this person may not be experiencing so much stress.”
Choose your method of communication wisely.
You probably won’t be able to get away with a text. “Text messages do not contain some important components of communication, such as tone of voice and facial expression, and thus it can be easier for other people to misinterpret our intentions,” Lougheed explains. Voice or video calls are preferable, she says, because you can more effectively convey your emotions in those formats.
There are a few exceptions to this rule, though. “You can utilize the same means in which you were invited, or whichever means you normally use to communicate,” Swann says. “For example, if your family has a group text and everyone is talking about whether or not they’re going to attend, then that’s when you can share that information.”
But for reveals that you know will be tough, face-to-face communication is a safer bet. “If it’s going to be a really big deal, then you might have to sit your parents down and have a Zoom meeting,” Rosmarin explains. “Say, ‘Hey, mom and dad, there’s something I need to talk to you about.’ Somewhat ominous, but that’s sometimes important. They may go, ‘Phew, it’s just Thanksgiving.’”
Keep your words clear, polite, and sparse.
It’s only natural that whoever invited you will take your response personally. To minimize any hard feelings, make sure you’re communicating exactly why you’re declining, without getting bogged down in hard numbers or hysterics. “It’s important to reassure them that it’s not because you don’t love them or because you don’t care about them—you want to be there,” Rosmarin says. “It’s different to say, ‘I’m not coming,’ versus ‘I don’t want to come.’”
Lougheed, meanwhile, recommends using “I” statements, which “convey your stance on an issue from your own perspective,” she says. “By using statements framed this way, you are taking ownership of your own thoughts and feelings and not putting these issues on others, which can potentially make it easier for the other person to hear some news that may be disappointing.”
If a disagreement over COVID-19 safety practices is likely, you can try to communicate your message with as little detail as possible. “Leave out the icky and keep the matter-of-fact,” says Swann, who calls coronavirus statistics and gripes over safety precautions the “icky” in this instance. “The matter-of-fact is this: ‘Thank you for the invitation. I’m so glad everybody is getting together this year, but unfortunately I will not be able to attend.’”
Offer concessions instead.
Even if you can’t go home for the holidays, you can still have a presence in some way, virtual or otherwise. “It might be helpful to do things to reassure them that [you care] by scheduling more time for virtual hangouts,” Lougheed says. Even sending a few more texts than usual can have the same effect.
And if you have the means, both Swann and Rosmarin recommend sending a gift, like a bottle of wine, a flower arrangement, desserts from a local bakery, or some cash to treat themselves. “Listen, the one thing people like is money,” Swann says with a laugh. “I’m not saying that you’re bribing them, but who’s going to send that back to you? You’ve softened the sting of that ‘no.’”
Expect relatives to be upset at first.
No matter what you do, you’ll probably experience some conflict with your family over this decision. To some degree, offering concessions will help ease any disagreements. But as long as you know they’ll get over the initial shock or anger, make sure you give your loved ones time to process their feelings.
“In general, if someone has become very upset, it might be helpful to give them some space to cool down and process the information,” Lougheed explains. “When people encounter information they find upsetting, sometimes just ‘being heard’ by you can be enough to help de-escalate their emotions. You might find it helpful to take time to listen to your family members’ concerns and show that you understand where they are coming from, but then keep clearly re-stating your own decision.”
Regardless, you should give yourself permission to remain firm in this decision, no matter who is upset with you. “You don’t have to make everybody happy all the time,” Rosmarin says. “That’s not our job, and I think we have to learn to be OK with that sometimes.”
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