Everything You Need to Know About What It Means to Be Non-Binary
When we’re born, in addition to getting a name, a social security number, and v cute beanie, we’re typically assigned a gender. As we grow up, many people are either male or female based on how they look or what gender they were assigned at birth. But now we know, however, that gender goes far beyond the binary, “pink” or “blue” options seen on the labor and delivery floor.
The same way someone can be female or male, they can also be non-binary. According to the Human Rights Campaign, this means they do not identify exclusively as a man or a woman. “Non-binary people may identify as being both a man and a woman, somewhere in between, or as falling completely outside these categories,” the website states.
The word was created as a reaction to the societal standard that divides human beings into only males and females. People who identify as non-binary reject that belief entirely, says Courtney D’Allaird, assistant director of the Gender and Sexuality Resource Center at the University of Albany. “They’re like, Whoa, I’m way more complicated than that. Don’t box me in!”
It’s important to note that “non-binary” is a bit of an umbrella term, so there are many other gender identities like agender and gender fluid that fall underneath it, explains certified gender and sex therapist Rae McDaniel. And being or coming out as non-binary isn’t a gender transition in itself. “The point is to have the freedom to be seen as who you are and fully express your most authentic self in the world,” McDaniel says.
The term has since gained lots of traction as representation of non-binary characters in TV shows, movies, and more has increased. Celebs like Demi Lovato, Sam Smith, and Jonathan Van Ness have come out as non-binary, and recently, non-binary actor Sara Ramírez played Che Diaz, a non-binary comedian, in the Sex and the City reboot, And Just Like That…
Whether you personally associate with the term or not, it's important to understand what it means to be non-binary because it's a term—and a community—that's here to stay. So let’s dive a lil deeper into its definition and learn all we can to be better people and better allies, shall we?
The difference between non-binary, transgender, genderqueer, gender fluid, and gender nonconforming
Some terms you’ll often hear alongside “non-binary” are “genderqueer,” “gender fluid,” and “gender nonconforming.” If someone identifies as genderqueer, D’Allaird explains it means they acknowledge that their gender is different. (This term tends to be synonymous with “non-binary,” but not always.)
If someone identifies as gender fluid, D’Allaird says they mean that gender is a construct and at any point, theirs could shift between being masculine, feminine, or somewhere inbetween.
Then there’s gender nonconforming, which D’Allaird explains means someone doesn't conform to societal expectations of gender—they dress and behave how they want regardless of traditional gender roles or stereotypes.
All these identities could absolutely fall under the umbrella of non-binary, but they don’t have to. For example, D’Allaird explains that a gender nonconforming person “could still identify as a gender and not conform to its societal expectations,” making them gender nonconforming, but not non-binary.
As for what it means to be transgender versus non-binary, the Human Rights Campaign says that “while many non-binary people also identify as transgender, not all non-binary people do.”
The biggest difference is that non-binary people reject the entire gender binary system as a whole, while many transgender people still identify with being either “male” or “female,” says D’Allaird. "My non-binary identity means that the label of It's a girl! I was given at birth didn't feel like it captured who I was, but I also knew I wasn't a transgender man," notes McDaniel. "My gender identity is much more expansive than the choices we are given in the binary gender system."
Another term you might hear in reference to being non-binary is "enby." This is a colloquial way of saying non-binary ("N" and "B"), McDaniel explains, but not all non-binary folks resonate with the term. "Be sure to check in with your friends and loved ones before using a term that doesn't feel quite right to them. Labels are only useful when we apply them to ourselves, so it's important to listen to the words someone uses to describe themselves and then use those terms."
Related terms:
What identifying as non-binary looks like
There is no one way to be non-binary. “Non-binary doesn’t have to ‘look’ like anything. We think we see gender because we have stereotypes about what male and female people look like, and so often who we see as trans or non-binary are also based on those stereotypes,” explains D’Allaird. “Non-binary people are everywhere—many stand out because they are not worried about challenging and drawing other people’s attention to the societal boundaries we create for ourselves. Others are sitting next to us every day.”
That being said, we’re lucky to have some great non-binary role models to look up to today. In fact, gender-fluid clothing and/or androgynous makeup and fashion looks are “seemingly on the rise,” says D’Allaird. But that doesn't mean *every* non-binary person expresses themselves androgynously, so don't get it twisted. "Non-binary folks might express themselves as androgynous, feminine, or masculine at different times or blend aspects of traditionally masculine or feminine clothing and styles to find an expression that feels authentic to them," McDaniel explains.
Whether you're looking for community, examples of what it means to be non-binary IRL, or simply want some fashion inspo, a few examples of non-binary celebs include (in addition to the ones mentioned above): Willow Smith, Jaden Smith, Alok Vaid-Menon, Indya Moore, and Ruby Rose.
Who are non-binary people attracted to?
Just like all non-binary people don’t look a certain way, being non-binary doesn’t influence who they’re attracted to. That’s because non-binary is a gender identity, while sexual orientation refers to who someone is attracted to. “Non-binary people, like all people, can be attracted to lots of different identities and bodies. They can be attracted to anyone across the spectrum of identities,” McDaniel explains. “This is another place where it's important to listen to how someone labels themselves and use those terms. It's never cool to assume what someone's sexuality is based on their gender identity or appearance.”
This means someone could be non-binary and heterosexual, non-binary and lesbian, non-binary and asexual—the options are pretty limitless.
While we’re on the topic of the binary, though, McDaniel stresses that it's important to remember that language is “inherently limiting.” While more gender and sexuality labels are being created to help folks feel seen, that doesn’t mean the gender and/or sexual orientation term someone chooses fully captures who they are. That’s where listening, asking questions, and accepting someone’s chosen terms—even if they’re not the terms you’d choose to describe them—is essential.
How to be a proud non-binary person
Just like there’s an honorary rainbow flag that represents the LGBTQ+ community as a whole, there’s also a flag dedicated specifically for those who are non-binary. The flag was created by Kye Rowan in 2014 and includes the colors yellow, white, purple, and black.
According to Robert Deam Tobin, PhD, a professor who teaches courses in gay and lesbian studies and queer theory at Clark University, this particular flag is meant to “represent people outside the traditional gender binary, people with multiple genders, people with mixed genders, and people with no genders.”
There are also lots of ways for you to connect with other people who are non-binary, including Reddit threads, social channels, and tapping into resources at GLAAD and Human Rights Campaign.
How to support friends or partners who are non-binary
There are a few ways D’Allaird suggests you go about supporting your non-binary friends and partners. First, and most importantly, believe them when they come out to you. Then do your own research on what it means to be non-binary (reading this article is a great start!).
The point of educating yourself is to relieve the non-binary person in your life from being forced into the role of educator. “Non-binary people are more often than not processing all this meaning in their own life, let alone your life,” confirms D’Allaird.
Next, D’Allaird says you can support non-binary people by being mindful of the language you use. For example, go with a more neutral word like, “Hi, everyone” instead of “Hi, ladies!” or “Hi, guys!”—both of which are more traditionally gendered terms.
Something else you can do is be sure to ask people their name and pronouns and then actually use those pronouns in reference to them. Oftentimes, you’ll see non-binary people using they/them pronouns.
D’Allaird suggests doing your part to lift up the voices and experiences of non-binary people. An easy way to start is by following some non-binary people like @BreakTheBinary and @Kai_Wes on Instagram to continue understanding.
"Non-binary folks have often spent a lifetime making themselves smaller for the comfort of others," McDaniel says. "Experiencing more gender freedom allows folks to go be, do, and experience all of the other things they are meant to in the world instead of feeling shoved into a tiny box of gender that doesn't allow them to be their best and most authentic self."
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