Here’s How to Say No to an Invite—and Not Feel Bad About It
The bliss you feel when you RSVP “nope” so you can binge-watch The Crown? Instagrammers and wellness experts call that JOMO; short for the joy of missing out, the term captures the relief that comes with nixing activities and social engagements that stress you out—and can ultimately hurt your health.
The goal of JOMO is to be intentional about how you spend your time and energy, says Sophie Lazarus, PhD, a clinical psychologist at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center. She and Ashley Whillans, an assistant professor of business administration at the Harvard Business School, provide expert advice for declining invitations, and freeing up your schedule.
Don’t answer right away.
"A knee-jerk yes may be more comfortable in the moment, but it can lead to commitments you’ll later resent," says Lazarus. "Taking even a few minutes to consider your options can help you proceed in a way that jibes with your priorities and values. If the situation calls for an immediate answer, say you have to check your schedule."
Notice where you’re spending your time.
"Every so often, take inventory of how you are spending your time," says Lazarus. "If you think about your time as a pie chart, see how much you are devoting to different domains of your life (e.g., work, hobbies, friends, community, spirituality) and how this aligns with your ideal balance. These moments of reflection are opportunities to recalibrate.
"Consider the current balance of wants versus musts in your life," she continues. "If your plate is already full of nonnegotiable commitments, this could be an important time to say no to more—so you can say yes to things that feel good, like connecting with friends, hitting the gym, or sleeping in." Says Lazarus, "We all have many competing priorities, and they cannot all be number one all of the time. Know that just because one is taking precedence right now, does not mean it has to be that way forever. There can be a time for saying no and prioritizing yourself and a time for saying yes and extending yourself for others."
Ease the blow of a no.
"Cushioning your refusal with an affirmation can make it sound less like a rejection," says Lazarus. (Try: "I would normally love to drive you to the airport because you’re important to me, but I can’t do it this time.") Giving a specific reason you're declining as opposed to a vague "I don’t have time" can avoid hurt feelings, says Whillans. "We all have 24 hours in a day,” she says, “so when we say we can’t do something because we don’t have enough time, it seems like we are not prioritizing our relationship with the person who invited us." So, if you have preexisting commitments that are consuming your time, say so. "If you have family obligations, mention those," continues Whillans. "If you are busy at work, don’t be shy to confess about your looming deadline. The more the reason illustrates that the constraint is outside of your control and unexpected, the more likely people are going to respect your decision to decline the invitation.” And if you don’t have a specific reason for turning down an invite, besides the fact that you just don’t want to accept, Whillans says research suggests that saying "I don’t have enough energy" is a response that won't offend.
Be a role model.
"Know that as difficult as it may be to forgo that invitation to do something more meaningful with your time, your behavior demonstrates something important to those in your life," says Lazarus. "Being deliberate about your commitments shows that you value your time and communicates to others that this is okay for them, too."
Savor it.
"If you do say no, be sure to make the most of it," says Lazarus. "Throw yourself into your decision fully and be intentional about how you spend your time so that it is most nourishing. This includes doing your best to let go of other things you could/should be doing, and savor the moment."
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