Nicola Peltz Beckham's tribute shows how hard it can be to lose a pet – here's how to cope if it's happened to you
“There are never words to capture this heartbreak,” Nicola Peltz Beckham posted to Instagram this week. “I hate that you’re gone I miss you so much.” Accompanying the caption was a series of pictures and videos of Peltz Beckham with the chocolate labrador, who she had had since she was a teenager.
Those who don’t have pets might not understand the strong feeling of grief people feel when losing a beloved animal, but pet grief is much like any other kind of bereavement, especially when the animal has become a member of the family.
At the very least, pets are everyday companions who help to brighten your day. But for most of us, they’re your best (furry, scaly, prickly – you name it) friends who provide true comfort; they’re by your side, constantly.
Dog behaviourist, trainer and author Louise Glazebrook, whose work focuses on animal wellbeing, explains: “Losing your dog is gut-wrenchingly painful. You are losing a member of your family who has been by your side, every single day of their life. You cannot underestimate the power of that loss. Don’t even try to just ‘get over it’ as it won’t work. You have to allow yourself to grieve.”
Peltz Beckham’s relationship with Bear was the example of how a pet can mark a pivotal period of constant companionship in your life. And her reaction is proof that when you lose your pet, that’s what it truly is: a loss.
“I’ve had my dogs leave me in varying ways, from having to be put to sleep to dropping down dead in front of me,” adds Glazebrook. “I still wake in the night and have panicked moments about these situations – they never leave you but you do learn to live with it.”
If this has happened to you, it’s important to know that you’re not alone in feeling pain. “There is no right or wrong way to grieve, as every single one of us grieves in our own way,” says Diane James, Head of Pet Bereavement Support Services at animal charity Blue Cross. “We need to remember it is not just dogs and cats but all animals that can bring joy into our lives and sadness when they leave us. What is important is knowing how you feel is normal: having had a pet in our life that brought us joy, love and memories is something that is very special.”
If you’re struggling to cope, here are some steps you can take that might help you through this experience:
1. Remember, what you’re feeling is normal
If you’ve experienced pet loss, then you’ve been through a life-altering event. “Some may not understand how upsetting the loss of a pet can be, and can make you feel you’re overreacting,” says James. “You should not feel ashamed of your emotions, and the grieving process can’t be forced or sped along.” Don’t feel as though you have to act as though you’re fine if you’re not. “Grieving a pet can be similar to mourning the loss of a family member and some owners experience feelings of deep loneliness and isolation,” says a representative from the RSPCA. “These emotions are perfectly normal, so no one should worry or feel ashamed about them.” Every situation is unique and grief is deeply personal. You’re not overreacting and you don’t have to get over this quickly – take the time to process your emotions and what’s happened at a pace that suits you.
2. Share how you’re feeling with others
As with any situation, bottling up your emotions can make things worse. Whether it’s posting something on Instagram or opening up to one or two people close to you, opening up can help you to get the support you need. “Talking about your feelings and your pet can really help. Don’t be afraid to speak to family and friends, especially if they knew your pet, as they can support you. You may also find putting pen to paper provides comfort,” says James. “If a pet is lost or stolen, then there is often no closure and this can be very difficult. One thing we suggest is writing down how you feel and what you would have said to your pet before they left.”
3. Get outside
“If you can, exercising regularly, as this will release endorphins that will help boost your mood,” says James. If going for a walk isn’t usually your thing, it can help to give yourself an activity or goal for your route (eg walking to the shops or grabbing a coffee en route) – a simple change of scenery can help with a change of mindset. And if silent strolling leaves you with too much room for your thoughts, plugging in your headphones and stomping around your local park to music or a podcast is a great way to escape your thoughts for a moment of relief.
4. Try mixing up your routine
From feeding time to daily walks or changing their litter, any kind of pet influences your daily routine. After a loss, you’ll inevitably have gaps in your day-to-day life that could serve as a reminder of the fact they’re not there. In order to distract yourself from these moments – “a change to your daily routine can help. It’s a good idea to try to fill your time with activities you enjoy,” says James.
5. Don’t feel like you have to remove memories of your pet (but also, you can if you want to)
Whether it’s your pet’s bed in the corner of your bedroom, their tanks on the shelf or lead waiting by the door – every item relating to your pet can serve as a reminder of what’s happened and triggers for your grief. It might be tempting to throw them all away to help you move on, but try to think of your future self: would they like to have a keepsake to remember your pet by? “Some of us will want to memorialise the loss from planting a new plant or bush in the garden or pot by the door. You may have a memory box, get a painting or picture of the pet,” says James. “Other ways you may want to memorialise are to donate in your pet’s name to a pet food bank, sponsor a rescue animal or donate to your favourite charity.”
6. Hold a memorial for your pet
As difficult as it may be, holding a funeral or memorial service for your pet can help you to process what’s happened. It’s a space for you and your family or friends to share memories of your pet and openly express your emotions. “Although this is hard, planning ways to say goodbye and to remember a pet can be helpful and comforting for both adults and children of all ages. Whether you choose burial or cremation, it’s a good idea to involve all members of the family,’’ says James. It can be a way to bring people together to celebrate the life of your wonderful pet.
7. Look out for your other pets
If you have other animals in your home, it’s important to remember that they’ve lost a companion, too. And, unlike humans, you can’t explain what’s happened or the concept of grief to them. Dog’s Trust suggests that you look out for signs of separation distress (from pacing to whining and refusing food), give them lots of affection and try not to leave your pets alone for too long at first. If you’re really worried about your pet(s), Dog’s Trust also suggests that you contact your vet for a referral to a qualified behaviourist.
8. Don’t get a new pet straight away
For some, getting a new pet is a great distraction: a new animal to channel your love and affection into. However, this can act as a sort of band-aid to your grief, rather than being a true solution. It might be wise to give yourself time to mourn your previous pet first, and wait until you are in a better place emotionally before welcoming a new animal into your home. Before getting a new pet, James suggests “volunteering at an animal shelter, or spending time caring for a friend or family member’s pet might help you figure out if you’re ready or not”.
If you have other pets, Dog’s Trust also explains how introducing a new animal after the loss of another might not be the most helpful solution for them, and that the sudden change might make your existing pets feel uncomfortable or confused. It’s a completely personal decision that you should make based on the needs of you, your pets and your household.
However, “When the time is right, don’t feel guilty for taking a new pet into your life. Remember, it will have its own personality and love for you. But we always keep a place in our hearts for those we have loved and lost,” says James.
9. Practise self-care
“Look after yourself physically as well as emotionally,” stresses James. Pet loss is an incredibly difficult thing to navigate and can conjure a lot of complex emotions. So take it easy, whether that’s prioritising sleep to cooking your favourite foods, having a pamper day and spending time with people who make you feel good. Meditation and low-impact exercise such as yoga are also great ways to focus on your breathing, which helps to calm your parasympathetic nervous system and relieve stress.
10. Don’t be afraid to ask for help
If you’ve tried everything and you’re still struggling, please seek professional help to aid you in processing what’s happened. There are some great free resources out there to listen and provide advice, including:
Blue Cross pet bereavement support service
The charity offers a free helpline or email service to provide support for pet loss. Call 0800 096 6606 or email pbssmail@bluecross.org.uk.
Cat’s Protection Paws to Listen
If you’re experiencing the loss of a cat, the charity provides a helpline of trained volunteer listeners. Call 0800 024 9494.
Animal Samaritans
This charity, operating in southeast London and southeast England, provides a free bereavement helpline. Call 0203 745 9859.
Living With Pet Bereavement
The charity offers a one-hour free telephone support session with a counsellor via their website here.
If you think you’re experiencing depression due to grief, please seek medical support.
For more guidance on pet bereavement, visit the Blue Cross website at bluecross.org.uk
Follow Louise Glazebrook on Instagram @louise.glazebrook
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