Netflix Movie 'Christmas Inheritance' Is Bonkers
By now, you’ve probably heard of the Netflix holiday masterpiece, A Christmas Prince - a trash heap from heaven about an American journalist who has to travel to the fictional land of Genovia Aldovia and pretend to not be a journalist while she falls in love with the jaghole prince. Everyone in the movie seems to be suffering from some sort of a head injury; it's the best Netflix movie of 2017.
Except actually it's the SECOND BEST. Because now Netflix has somehow managed to outdo itself with new offering Christmas Inheritance, a movie about a rich heiress who is forced to travel to a small town and learn all about the reasons for the holiday season when she falls in love. Ah, love.
Anyway, the whole thing is worth breaking down plot point by half-baked point, so let’s all grab a wintery tipple and settle down for the festive fever dream that is Christmas Inheritance. Here are the movie's 46 most ridiculous moments, because yes, there are 46 of them, in all their glory:
1. We open on some fancy rich people holiday gala and meet our lead, a woman named Ellen - Eliza Taylor, from CW’s The 100 - who is drunk and doing gymnastics to get horny rich dudes to donate $$$ to Toys 4 Tots. Rich people hate to give money so she's really going all out!
2. Ellen's fiancé Gray is also there (Gray, incidentally, is a dumb fake name that bad movies gives to the bad guy) but he is not doing gymnastics, and is instead taking business calls. Thus, we know he’s a dick.
3. Ellen falls into a tree mid-backflip and all the other partygoers gather around to take photos of her instead of helping her up, so they are all dicks, too! (Ellen crashes into something or falls down legit every 10 seconds, like any good leading lady in a rom-com. I approve.)
4. Some of those photos end up in a tabloid newspaper, and she lands the nickname "Party Heiress," because the tabloids love a nickname (and because Christmas Inheritance presumably takes place in a universe with no Paris Hilton?!). Bless.
5. And Ellen's Dad is mad about this! He owns the company she works for, and it's a, uh, "gift company." No further explanation as to the business is provided? Because of the bad publicity Ellen's antics caused, her Dad is sending her back to the tiny town where he started this gift company with his best friend, Zeke, to IDK, feel bad about herself? Also to hand Zeke a bunch of letters that the two men send back and forth to each other every year. So they're, like, penpals? I know that sentence made no sense on the surface, but go back and read it five times and you’ll see that I’m totally correct...? (And that this movie is crazy.)
6. Also, he's sending her with only $100 in cash and no credit cards, because that’s what he and Zeke started their MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR "GIFT COMPANY" on. Come on, Dad, what about inflation?!
7. Also ALSO - and this is the most insane part - Ellen has to go to back to this small town without anyone realizing her real identity because if everyone finds out that she’s the heir to the gifting business, they’ll all... I don’t know? Beg her for some cheap junk? This is clearly a sticking point for the plot and I’m failing to see why.
8. Oh, except that just as Ellen arrives, the all-important bff Zeke has left town and nobody knows where he is and guess what, he has no cell phone, because even though he’s high up at a Fortune 500-level "gift company," he doesn’t need to be in communication with anyone, I guess?!
9. What I'm saying is that Ellen's Dad is definitely a drug kingpin, OK?
10. Also upon Ellen's arrival in town, her luggage immediately careens into the street and gets hit by a taxi and you know right away that the taxi driver is going to be the better-than-fiancé-Gray-by-default love interest. Also, this guy is Jake Lacy. From The Office! I will only be referring to Jake Lacy by his full name for the remainder of this piece, just FYI.
11. Jake Lacy is also the manager of the town's inn, where Ellen is staying. People in small towns can do anything (and everything), after all.
12. Ellen brought, no exaggeration, 50+ pieces of flimsy lingerie for this quick trip to the boonies. She literally runs out of closet space for silk negligees and is hanging them on lamps and shit in her room.
13. That is probably a fire hazard, but then there’s no room service in this hell hole inn, so it’s probably not up to fire code either. Fuck a hotel without room service!
14. Ellen and Jake Lacy go for a brisk walk around the town, and he totally judges her for not giving money to a homeless person - he doesn’t know her life! (Remember, she’s starting afresh and making that shit up as she goes along to hide her real identity.) She could run a homeless shelter for all he knows! Anyway, this is important for later, I promise.
15. Their walk takes them to Jake Lacy’s aunt Debbie’s diner - did I mention that Andie MacDowell is playing Jake Lacy’s aunt, Debbie!? Let’s take a moment for that, because it’s wild. Debbie also dated Ellen’s dad back in the day (they’re going to end up together by the end of this movie, you just know it - and that’s OK because Ellen’s movie mom is dead, womp womp).
16. What else? Oh, Jake Lacy hates the song “Silent Night” so much that he kicks the jukebox over when it plays. Also, he’s got wonderful giant hands. I want to feel them on me.
17. Back at the inn, Ellen finds an animal in her bed so she freaks out and Jake comes to her rescue and it turns out it’s just a hot water bottle. Also, he slut shames her for her sexy nightie! Whatever, brah! You’re gonna be lovin’ it by the end of act three!
18. So now Zeke’s still not back in town, and Ellen only has enough cash for one night at the inn. You know what? This is the most believable part of the movie so far. I mean, have you ever been to a B&B? You sleep on a bed with 52 old pillows, eat a hard scone for breakfast, and they charge you $300. It’s not right!
19. This means she has to become the maid to pay for her stay!? Less "Party Heiress," more "Party Housekeeper." Zing! And of course, the people who stay at this inn are DISGUSTING. I’m talking, like, 90's heavy metal band gross - it looks like Slash fucked the couch in one room. Ellen is terrible at cleaning and obviously super close to a nervous breakdown.
20. So Jake Lacy takes her to Debbie’s diner to be a baker instead, because I guess she can earn her keep in cupcakes?! This goes about as well as cleaning, because Ellen doesn’t know how to separate an egg. Actually, I'm like 75-percent sure she's never even seen an egg. She's so confused.
21. Through total magic, though, Andie MacDowell figures out that Ellen is the “Party Heiress,” and so, to keep her identity secret, Ellen has to kill her and bake her body into croissants. JK JK that wouldn’t be a holiday movie at all! Instead, Debbie and Ellen bond some more and it’s all nonsensical; I’m three White Christmas margs deep at this point (and you should be too).
22. OMG, Debbie is a total gossip (small towns, y’all) and tells Ellen that Jake Lacy was married and his wife left him for a millionaire! I bet it’s someone Ellen knows - like Gray, her fiancé?!?!?! Calling it. (And if it’s not that, what a missed opportunity!)
23. Also, Jake Lacy’s wife cheated on him! And they were living in the big city at the time! So now he hates city girls! This isn’t going to work out well for Ellen! (Except it totally is because it has already been foretold by the Netflix elders.)
24. And then there’s a Groundhog Day-style snowstorm and everyone’s trapped in town! Ooh la la! My body is ready for a sex scene between Ellen and Jake Lacy in front of a roaring fire. This means my body is also ready for another drink!
25. Because of the weather, the town’s homeless people now have to stay at the inn and Ellen is like, “HOMELESS PEOPLE! EW!” Classic Ellen! When Jake Lacy tells her that they can’t leave anyone out in the cold, her jaw literally drops on the ground. She’s very, very stupid.
26. Aww! but then! She goes to get the homeless man from earlier in the movie! What a champ! (I think Ellen’s Christmas Inheritance might be a heart?! Which is much worse than cash, but you know. It’s fine.)
27. She also offers to share her room with a (homeless?) family and everyone’s like “OMG you’re so nice!” and it’s like, little do these chumps know, she’s not even paying for that room anymore!
28. Jake Lacy and Ellen are vibing big time because she learned that it’s not OK to let homeless people die in the cold. Is this how little it takes when you’re blonde? Calling my hairdresser immediately!
29. They take a walk in the snow to see Jake's terrible Clipart.com ice sculptures and they almost kiss but Ellen is like, “No! I have a fiancé!" And this movie still has 45 minutes to go!
30. Adding to the sexual tension some more, Ellen is busy cleaning up because I guess she’s a full-fledged employee now and she walks in on Jake Lacy drawing - he’s got a secret talent! He can badly sketch reindeer in addition to like, making them out of ice! This makes her extra horny because women love when men do literally anything.
31. Ellen’s also an expert baker now, I guess? She is legit churning out the sweets in Debbie’s kitchen. Then! She takes the cookies that she made at Debbie’s and goes around town to get donations for the Christmas auction Jake Lacy is putting on. Ellen is a fucking grifter.
32. Some dude even tells Ellen that she makes the best cookies he’s ever eaten. She’s the world’s best baker in only two days! Impressive! (Just off screen, aunt Debbie, who’s been baking for 50 years, flips everyone the middle finger.)
33. Jake Lacy is hella impressed by Ellen’s “do-goodery” and they do a full body horny hug - awooga! But! Just then! In a case of “perfect” timing, Gray the bad fiancé arrives and is all mad about the frottage.
34. Ellen is annoyed at Gray being annoyed and come on! This relationship is clearly over! She goes to apologize to Jake Lacy for Gray’s rudeness, and it’s like, yeah, of course he was rude! Your privates were touching! Through clothes, but still!
35. Anyway, now we’re at the part of the movie where Jake Lacy and Ellen pretend they can be friends even though they desperately want to fuck.
36. But also, Jake Lacy and Gray are bonding at the town's bar and you know Gray is about to spill about Ellen real-deal identity. (You’d think aunt Debbie would have told Jake Lacy now also, but nope?!) And then, he does.
37. Jake Lacy goes home and internet stalks Ellen - there are five Google search results for her and they’re all just images of her falling into the Christmas tree. He’s mad about this, but I don’t understand why? It was at a Toys 4 Tots party, Jake! She fell into that tree trying to raise more money for broke babies! Women cannot win.
38. It then turns out Ellen has to leave town with Gray to go to Hawaii - the trip kinda came out of nowhere, but I’m going with it. It's Hawaii! And, because he’s a pissy brat, Jake Lacy won’t take the letters from her to give to Zeke.
39. So she leaves town… with the letters after all? You had one job, Ellen! Literally one job! (Really though, does Zeke not have an office or a mailbox or even a home address where she could have left these fucking letters?!!?) Jake Lacy is left in his office, listening to “Silent Night” and crying into his giant hands. Ugh, I’m turned on again.
40. En-route to the airport, there’s a #plottwist! I know, I know. Ellen notices the letter box is missing the most recent letter. (I don’t know, I don’t know?!) Ellen decides they have to go back for it, and Gray loses his shit and is like, “The letters are dumb! Let’s go to Hawaii.” I mean, he’s not wrong? I know Gray is bad, but is it possible that... everyone else is actually worse?
41. Ellen abandons Gray and the prospect of a good lei, spots a bus, hops onboard, and heads back to bump holiday uglies with Jake Lacy instead. The last 20 minutes of this joint should be bumpin’ and grindin’ after all.
42. AND WAIT, HERE'S SOME FOREPLAY-WORTHY DO-GOODERY: SHE BUYS A PLASTIC SANTA AT THE HOLIDAY HOE-DOWN AUCTION FOR A MILLION DOLLARS! It’s a Christmas Inheritance miracle: Ellen inherited that heart! The only thing left is for her to inherit is... that d!
43. Oh shit, the hoe-down auction party's Santa is ZEKE! Oh shit!! And he’s reading the final Christmas letter! (HOW DID HE GET THIS?! We will never know.) And the letter says that Ellen is now the head of her Dad’s company?!? This was all part of the master plan! There was a master plan!? And Andie MacDowell was in on it, too! What a beautiful night!!
44. OK, wait. I take it back. This is actually very wack. Ellen's dad totally messed with her life and could’ve ruined it entirely because he wanted to teach her some dumb lesson about, I think, corporate responsibility?
45. Ellen’s Dad and aunt Debbie are also rubbin’ up and down on each other (called it, thanks!) and Debbie takes to the stage to sing “Silent Night.” I didn’t mention it earlier, but we’ve heard tale of Debbie’s gorgeous singing voice for the entire movie and now it’s time for ol’ girl to shine. I gotta say: she sounds like a frog with an electrolarynx.
46. And as the whole town sexily slow dances to “Silent Night,” Ellen and Jake finally kiss, and I dab a tear from my eye.
Just like that, Christmas Inheritance is over, and so there’s only one thing left to do: Hit “Play From Beginning!”
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