My Nephew Is a Great Athlete, But He Might Be Cheating. Do I Report It?

This article originally appeared on Outside

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My wife's nephew (age 10) is very talented in his sport. Since my wife's family doesn't have much money, and my wife and I have two incomes and no kids, we've been helping out by contributing to his training and expenses. He's a sweet, talented kid and works very hard, there's no doubt about that. We also enjoy the chance to be involved and follow along with his competitions.

The problem is that I recently saw something that indicates he might be cheating. My wife is completely in denial about it, and claims that nothing is going on. She even gets angry when I try to bring it up. Last time I tried, she said she wasn't going to talk to me about this and she left the room.

I've been worrying a lot about the situation, mainly because I've always felt strongly about honesty, and I don't want to support someone who's cheating. I'm not sure what to do. I've even thought about going to officials and reporting him anonymously. In my mind, the reason we support his athletics isn't because he's great at his sport (even though he is) or because we expect it to be his full-time career someday. We support him because it's something he loves, and he's learning skills like hard work, dedication, persistence, and problem solving. I hate the idea that this thing that's supposed to be good might actually be teaching him the wrong lessons.

What would you do in this situation? Talk to his parents? Officials? Not say anything at all? I've tried but I just can't let it go.

This is a tricky one. It's wonderful that you and your wife have a close relationship with your nephew, and have been supporting him--and even more wonderful that you are doing so without expecting a certain outcome or level of achievement, and simply want him to learn and have a great time.

I don't know why you think he might be cheating, but at this point, it seems mostly like a suspicion on your part. So it's important to figure things out within the family, first, rather than contact authorities and set anything official in motion based on a hunch. And if he did cheat--well, cheating is incredibly serious, but this is still a child we're talking about, and I think kids should be given a lot of grace for their mistakes, at least the first time. I know many people who, say, slipped a piece of candy from a store into their pocket at that age, and they've grown up to become incredibly scrupulous, ethical adults. In other words, your nephew's actions at age 10 don't represent his ultimate morality. Rather, they could indicate a need for a serious conversation with him about how cheating harms everyone in a sport; it's not victimless, and administrations take it seriously for a good reason. Your nephew is a perfect age to be coming to terms with these ethical issues.

Another possibility is that if your nephew did cheat, he may have been put up to it by an adult. Adults tend to get really invested in kids' sports, particularly if they're achieving in a big way, and there are several kinds of cheating that would be hard for a kid to pull off without adult involvement. Maybe your nephew feels he has to cheat in order to make people proud--or maybe he's been put into a situation he doesn't want to be in, and is following the instructions of a coach, mentor, or relative. However, that's layering one assumption on top of another; for now, let's assume that's not the case.

I think that talking to your wife seriously should be your first step. Since it's clearly a tender subject, try scheduling the discussion in advance, so she doesn't feel like it's sprung on her: "Hey, I know this is a really hard conversation, but could we make time to talk about this? Is there a day that would work well for you?" Then, once you're together, let her talk first. It could be that her strong reaction is related to some old stuff, rather than the situation at present--or that it's even related to your relationship specifically, like if she feels you jump to conclusions without enough evidence, or that you're quick to mistrust her or her family. Maybe she knows something you don't know. Remember that as close as you may be to them, this situation concerns her family of origin; there may be context or dynamics that have been at play for decades. You don't actually know what's upsetting her until she tells you directly--but once she does, you'll be in a much better place to work it out, whether it's about her nephew, her own sports history, or something you couldn't possibly have predicted.

The next step, if your wife agrees, would be bringing your concern to your nephew's parents--at which point, my inclination would be to let them take the situation from there. The fact that you sponsor your nephew financially will be a convenient lever; it's fair to say, whether to your wife or your nephew's parents, that you're not willing to keep supporting him until you see this concern addressed.

Best case scenario, this whole situation serves as an opportunity for healthy conversation, and increases trust between everyone involved. I hope that your nephew isn't cheating (in which case you may want to look at your own proclivity for making assumptions). If he is cheating, then this could be an important learning experience for him at a pivotal age. You and his family can model the kind of ethics you want him to grow into--and he can learn to think more proactively about the person, and athlete, that he wants to become.

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