The Neighbor Parents Have Turned Our Cul-de-Sac Into a Dangerous Obstacle Course

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My house sits on a cul-de-sac. Most of my neighbors are retirees or young families. As a result, the street is treated as a playground, with the kids constantly out and leaving their crap in the road. My house is the one with the steepest drive and I can’t tell you the number of times I had to tell the kids to stop playing in my driveway and watch out because my truck doesn’t have a backup camera. I chalked it up as an ordinary annoyance, until my neighbor across the way started to close off the entire street with cones and “kids at play” signs. Meaning it is an entire ordeal if I have to run errands or want to get take out. It takes forever to get the kids and all their stuff out of the road, and my neighbors treat it as a giant favor to get them to clear the road. I am usually a live-and-let-live guy, but there is literally a park two miles away. I have already spoken several times with my neighbors about the issue but it still happens. We do have an HOA, and I am really tempted to throw the entire issue out at the next meeting. Can I get some advice?

—Street Side

Dear Street Side,

Ha! Haha! I’m sorry, Street Side. I don’t mean to cackle. But look. The entire country scolds and chastises parents for not “letting” kids play outside anymore, mourns the fact that neighborhood-kid friendships and long, sunny days spent riding bikes seem to be a thing of the past, and holds up phenomena like after-school overscheduling and Halloween trunk-or-treats as evidence that American childhood has gotten far too adult- and car-dependent. And here you are living on Throwback Street, where the children frolic wholesomely amongst themselves, and you’re pissed off about it! This kind of thing drives parents mad. We just can’t win!

A park two miles away? That’s not the same thing, at all. Almost any child, besides, I guess, an older one you’d be confident to allow to bike two miles, would need to be ferried there in a car.
That means you need to make a plan to get there, and make a plan with the parents of their friends to make sure they are in the same place at the same time, probably have at least one set of adults stay there to supervise, and so forth. That is not the same thing as having a neighborhood where kids can go out and see who’s around, while the adults cook dinner and periodically look out the window to see how things are going, or hang out in their front yards to sort-of supervise, sort-of be around to chit-chat with neighbors. That is the fabric of community, right there. You’re not going to weave it at a park that’s two miles away.

All that said: People shouldn’t put cones out and close off a street, I don’t think. But if what you’re mad about is just kids that are not scuttling fast enough to clear their scooters away when you approach in your truck, maybe time what you mean by “not fast enough”? How many seconds of you sitting in your truck is too many, when what’s being gained is living in a place where people actually know one another and their kids play together outside—the loss of which, I think, is partially responsible for the sense of disconnection and the mental health issues a lot of us currently have? If the cone and toy blockade is truly making it difficult to leave your home in a timely fashion, that’s worth bringing up at the HOA meeting (it’s likely illegal)—the parents should be reasonable about providing a safe egress for everyone. But try to balance your annoyance with all the good that seems to be gamboling about in your front yard.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I own a three-bedroom house that has been paid off. The real estate market is insane in our area. Currently, my 18-year-old son lives with me. My girlfriend lost her job and can’t afford rent on her three-bedroom house anymore. She has two girls, one in middle school and the other in elementary. She shares custody of the oldest one (the other dad isn’t in the picture). She can’t legally move out of the county and doesn’t want the girls to leave the school district. It feels like a no brainer to me. Put her stuff in storage and move in with me. The girls can share the guest room.

This apparently is completely untenable. The girls have to have their own spaces. So my girlfriend’s solution is that my son leaves since he is over with his girlfriend all the time (not happening) or we sell my house for a bigger place (not happening). I grew up with my two brothers in a room smaller than any of our bedrooms. The girls will survive having to share a space, and the older girl has a room at her dad’s. I love my girlfriend, but I think letting the wants (not needs) of a 12-year-old dictate the entire family situation is insane.

All the rooms are of equal size but the girls would have their own bathroom since the guest room is on the second story while the other two are on the main floor. Time is running out and so are my girlfriend’s savings. I love her but I can’t strong-arm her to seeing the obvious solution in front of her. Help.

—Rooms to Go

Dear Rooms,

Your girlfriend is clearly feeling at sea. She lost her job and is about to lose her house, her daughters’ home; she can’t feel great about any of this. It sounds like the loss of their separate spaces has taken on outsize significance for her. In other words, I don’t think it’s the “wants” of the 12-year-old that are really at issue here. It’s the guilt and anxiety that their mom is probably feeling, and through which she is filtering whatever it is the girls are actually saying about the move.

But none of that should mean that she gets to control what happens with your house. It’s a really bad time to sell a house and buy a bigger one, in your market and most places, given the way interest rates are currently. In my area, the supply of buyable properties has dried up to almost nothing; even if you were to have all the money in the world, the houses simply aren’t there to purchase. As for prematurely kicking your son out and saying “go live with your girlfriend,” that’s asking quite a lot, even if he is 18.

There are three things that make your proposed arrangement seem fine to me. 1) The fact that one of the girls is often at Dad’s, where she has her own space; 2) The “separate floor, separate bathroom” part, which honestly should be kind of a dream for a couple of girls entering their teen years and living in a newly blended family; 3) My suspicion that your son might possibly not be living in your house much longer—he may eventually choose to move out, either to live with his girlfriend, or just to seek some independence, as a young adult.

I wouldn’t focus on #3 with your girlfriend, however, lest she or her daughters start to put pressure on your son. I would emphasize #1 and #2, and stand firm. Maybe lean into the “the second floor can be the girls’ clubhouse” idea by offering to do some redecorating to really situate them in the space. Let them choose a paint color, or shell out a bit of money for furniture or duvets or bath towels that they pick, to make move-in feel a little bit more exciting. Good luck.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

EVERY morning for the past couple of months, my 2-year-old has woken up and immediately started yelling. Like, opens his eyes, looks around the room and then the wailing starts. He’s waking up a bit before we would like, but not unreasonably early. We thought maybe he was waking up hungry—but a before-bed snack did nothing. Maybe he was pooping himself awake? One out of every 5-6 days, but not every day. Our best guess now is that it is a resurgence of separation anxiety … how do we help him? Nightlight? Move to a toddler bed? Or do we just have to wait it out? Not only does it suck for us, but the poor kid seems miserable too, no matter how fast we go get him after being jolted awake.

—Worst Alarm Clock Ever

Dear Worst Alarm,

Oh, that’s so unpleasant. Does he say anything about it? If you ask when you get him, Why are you crying, bud?, can he say? You might be able to find something out, if he’s at all verbal and self-aware. If not, I’d say you’re probably right about the separation anxiety.

It can’t hurt to try a nightlight! And I know some people move a kid who hasn’t yet learned to climb out of a crib to a toddler bed because they need to use the crib for a new baby. But if you don’t have to, I absolutely would not advise bringing this particular parenting apocalypse upon yourself voluntarily.

Maybe you don’t mind a toddler wandering the halls at all hours of the night, moaning and crying with disorientation and exhaustion? Perhaps it seems fun to sit outside the door and put a little one back in their bed 100 times a night, until they get it? Maybe you would like to deliriously search the internet at 2 a.m. to find out whether it’s safe to lock a toddler in their room? I guess I don’t know your life! But I’d say, avoid it until it becomes unavoidable.

You could achieve some of the same effect I assume you’re going for with this idea—him being able to access entertainment in his room when he wakes up—by permitting the keeping of more stuffies, books, and toys in his crib.

Dear Care and Feeding,

How do I balance my kid’s negative self-talk about their body with both the messaging that “fat” isn’t bad, but also, there can be connections between what you eat and how your body feels and looks? I have a very sensitive 11-year-old boy who struggles with anxiety and depression, and he has expressed recently that he is unhappy with his body, that his belly is too big, and his arms aren’t strong enough. We’ve talked about all bodies are good bodies; that what you see on TV and online isn’t reality; that the professional athletes he admires focus their entire lives on diets and exercise because that’s what their bodies need to perform; that all of us are bigger or smaller or stronger or not at times, and it’s very normal to sometimes compare ourselves to others and feel sad or worried about it.

And at the same time, this kid inhales candy and sweets like there’s no tomorrow and has to be constantly redirected towards fruits, vegetables, and proteins. I don’t restrict any foods, and don’t make judgments about good or bad. But I’m struggling to hold all of this. I want him to feel good about himself, I don’t want to make things worse, and I would love it if he laid off the candy a bit.

—Fat Isn’t Bad, but Fruit Is Good

Dear Fruit Is Good,

This is one of the deepest struggles of modern parenting! At least among people who have (as you seem to have) absorbed the message that constantly scolding children about sugar, using dessert as a reward to get them to eat other foods, and being fatphobic in front of them is a great way to mess with their heads, and to make them consume even more hyperpalatable foods when your restrictive eyes are not watching. But even if you agree that it’s harmful to call some foods “good” and some foods “bad,” it can still be true (I’m struggling even to write it! I feel like Instagram has really done a number on me) that different foods simply do different things in your body.

The thing is, I think you’ve told him that. You’ve got some conflicting words in your explanation of how you speak with him: You “redirect” him toward fruits, vegetables, and protein, but you don’t “restrict” any foods? That sounds like it could be a bit confusing, messaging-wise. “You can have that candy if you want, but are you really, really sure you want to?” And so on. I’m not knocking you—I find myself giving my child mixed messages quite often, because I’m so confused and conflicted about my own beliefs around sugar—but it might be exacerbating things.

I would do two things that don’t necessarily involve the delivery of more confusing lectures. If it’s possible to reduce the amount of available sweet stuff in your house—if some of what he’s eating is stuff you’ve bought and brought in with the grocery run, in other words—you could quietly do that. Some people would say that’s a soft form of restriction, but my view is that kids (especially older kids, with some pocket change) have so many chances, throughout the day, to eat sweet stuff out in the world, it’s not like you’d be completely cutting him off.

The other thing you could do would be to develop some ways to engage in positive movement with him. I don’t know if he’s doing any sports. If he’s not, or even if he is, finding some non-competitive ways to move, maybe even with you or another family member participating, could really bring him into his body. Kids are so often funneled into high-stress sports or school gym classes that make them compete with their peers, they can start to focus on what’s wrong with their bodies, not what’s right. It seems like he’s focusing a lot on how it looks. What about how it feels, and what it can do? I’m thinking of activities like yoga, hiking, boogie-boarding, climbing, maybe even some gentle weightlifting done under supervision of a knowledgeable trainer. His relationship with his body has a lot of parts to it. I would try (I know it’s hard!) not to boil everything down to sugar.

—Rebecca

Recently, I have noticed that when I wear my tank-top PJs without a bra, my 12-year-old stepson stares at my chest. I am a large-breasted woman, admittedly, and he is mostly not super obvious, but I can see it out of the corner of my eye, and sometimes it is more overt—he will be talking to me and his eyes will flick down, stay for a moment, and then go back up. He even once did this while I was curled up on the couch and I was wearing shorts after exercising—looking down to stare between my legs as I shifted positions, until I quickly closed them. I have taken to wearing big sweatshirts, which is fine in winter, but I live in the Deep South, so that isn’t a great solution come spring.