15 Times Women Realized Love Isn't Always Enough To Make A Relationship Work
Have you ever ended a relationship because you realized love wasn't enough to make it work?
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Well, recently Reddit user u/Mamacc210_ posted in r/AskReddit: "Right now I'm learning that love isn’t always enough. When did YOU realize that love isn’t enough, and how did you deal with it?" Here are some of the Redditors' most honest answers.
Some submissions include topics of alcoholism.
1."I just broke things off with my boyfriend a few days ago. We were good. We got along well, had fun together, and grew together, but his mother kept interfering. He claimed he 'loved me' which I do believe was genuine, but he’d never take the actions necessary to solidify or protect our relationship. I stuck around for three months while he tried to convince his mother into letting him continue dating me (HUGE red flag). Just because you love someone (the feeling), it doesn’t mean things will always work. I ended up breaking up with him. I want an adult relationship and not a man afraid of his mother at 24 years old."
2."When I realized that he didn't want the life I was working toward, and only said he did because he didn't want to break up. I had to ask myself if being with him and all the compromises that accompanied it were worth giving up the life I wanted for myself. I chose my own happiness because loving him but hating myself and my life was no way to live. I don't regret my choice."
3."When I realized that how I feel about someone and how they make me feel are different things."
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4."I LOVE love. I really do. But when it comes to relationships, especially marriage, love is not enough. In my experience, people can honestly love each other but never pick up the tools they need to ensure that their partner feels loved by them. One might love another, but that can be lost in translation when folks can't figure out how to communicate that love in ways that are meaningful to your relationship. Those 'communications' — or the efforts put into those communications — are the substance behind the sentiment. Love is shown through our actions, our commitment, our willingness to care for each other's wellbeing, and in our desire to collectively meet the needs of our relationship."
5."I learned this in my last relationship with someone struggling with alcoholism. I worked so hard to keep the relationship strong and alive, and made stupid sacrifices like giving up a good career path because he didn't want to live where I worked. In the meantime, he was hiding his drinking and cheating and leeching off me to get a live-in maid. The final straw was when we started looking at houses together. He wanted to use my income to remodel whatever we bought, but my name wasn't allowed to be on the title."
"The sad thing is, one of my uncles is a recovering addict and his girlfriend stuck by him, and they recently got married. I thought I could do it and follow their example, but what I didn't notice was that while I was following her example, my ex wasn't following my uncle's example of actually getting sober and improving himself. It was a hard lesson to learn. I'm now in the city of my dreams with a promising new career and a great boyfriend who wants to be there with me. Love is looking much healthier these days."
6."I learned love wasn't enough when I realized that I had spent five years trying to teach a man how to love me in the ways I needed him to. I got sick of listening to him say that he would keep trying because he loved me while nothing really changed significantly. I realized that I had spent years of my life trying to be okay with how he loved, but never really feeling it. I think he loves me, I believe he does, but the thought isn’t enough. I decided that I couldn’t live that way forever, and so I ended things. It’s been really hard and I’m still in the middle of it, but a weight has been lifted off of me. I have to keep reminding myself that there is someone out there who will make sure I feel loved, not just think that they love me."
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7."My example isn't romantic, but I learned it with my dad. I know he loves me deeply, but I also know that his wife is his priority. To call me an afterthought would be wrong, but yeah. Romantically I learned it too, with people who love you and therefore view you as something analogous to property. You're in service to them because they love you. I learned that it takes work both ways to maintain something meaningful, and it boils down to actions speaking louder than words."
8."I finally realized this when my ex kept telling me that 'love conquers all' or something similar while ignoring or dismissing the relationship problems I brought up."
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9."I was with someone for four years who felt like home to me. He was my best friend. But all through those years, he couldn’t keep a job, blamed all of his downfalls on other people, couldn’t take basic direction, and relied on me for almost everything. As much as I loved him, I became a mother to him. It was so hard to leave because he just didn’t understand how I could give up our love because it felt so right. Still, I realized I was moving forward with life and he wasn’t moving anywhere."
10."I realized this when my husband got caught having an emotional affair with a coworker while I was busy taking care of our child, working, and keeping my dying father alive."
11."The realization came for me when my partner and I were sitting at a bar near our new apartment, just talking about the future. He wanted to move out of state, and I realized I definitely didn’t. I remember almost crying in the bar because I somehow knew our relationship was over. We wanted very different things in the future despite having a decent relationship. It was sad, but I’m glad I realized it when I did because he was never going to break up with me. He was going to drag it out until he found somebody he actually wanted."
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12."I realized love wasn't enough when I dated a guy with alcoholism. He was the kindest, funniest, most caring and loving person when he was sober, but when he drank too much, he turned angry, and he scared me. After almost a year together, I couldn't bring myself to make excuses for him anymore."
"I couldn't put up with his behavior, excuses, broken promises, and honestly, his entire lifestyle. Even though he was almost 30 with a pretty stable career, he was living in an apartment (that his rich family owned and let him live in) that was a pig sty, constantly littered with weed and beer cans. He cared for me as best as he could, but behind closed doors, he could barely take care of himself.
This relationship also taught me that two things can be true. You can love someone and love so many things about them, AND they can have things about them that you can't put up with, and can't fix. It was the hardest love to let go of, and I still cry about it often."
13."I was involved with a guy and there were a lot of really intense feelings, but at the end of the day, that’s all he was capable of giving me, and sometimes not even that. He didn’t want a future, he didn’t want commitment, and sometimes he couldn’t even give me honesty or respect. The feelings were great, but those alone aren’t sustainable for the long term."
14."I realized this after we had our first child. We were 22 and 23 at the time, and I grew up. He was still trying to live like we didn't have a kid, which ultimately led to him cheating. We worked through that, and because of that instance, he finally grew up and learned it wasn't all about him. But no, love is not enough, and it's not always 50/50 either. It's work, and you have to make a decision every day that this person is worth the work."
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And finally:
15."I realized this with my parents. They loved each other (and only each other), and they preached to my siblings and I that love was enough. But it wasn’t, we were all miserable, I hated growing up there, and I would do everything I could to not have the same life as them. I also learned that what they called love was a lie. My parents would say they loved us while they were being selfish and hurting us. And that’s not love. Love is a verb, an action, and when a person says they love you but don’t show you that they love you, it’s a lie."
Answers have been edited for length and/or clarity.
Talk to a representative from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) on their free, confidential, 24/7 national helpline by calling 1-800-662-HELP.
