We Must Celebrate Black Fathers for Who They Truly Are

'Black Love' co-creator Tommy Oliver writes how he's disrupting the rampant false narratives about Black dads.

Fact checked by Elizabeth Brownfield

Ten years ago, when I met my now-wife at the Toronto Film Festival, she asked what my goal in life was and even though I was there to launch my directorial debut, 1982 (which is, ostensibly, about fatherhood), my goal had nothing to do with movies, or money, or accolades. Instead, I wanted to be the father I never had growing up.

I told her, “I want to be the best dad ever.”

But what does that mean?

For me, it means being the kind of person my kids can look up to, the kind of person who models a healthy, loving, respectful relationship with their mother, the kind of person who will fly from New York City to Los Angeles and back to New York City in one day just because I can’t bear the thought of being away from them.

It also means paying attention to the details, being present, and consistently showing love and affection. Yes, I kiss my boys on their cheeks, foreheads, or the crowns of their heads daily—and they love their Daddy’s kisses.

My kids are 6, 4, and 4. These tiny humans trust us, unconditionally, to take care of them. This often manifests as a series of never-ending trust exercises, where it’s our responsibility to handle them with care. Their lives are literally and figuratively in our hands. It’s a responsibility I hold dear as I work to help preserve their innocence, at least in our home. There, we teach them it’s OK to be vulnerable as well as how to deal with their emotions. "

We also have a lot of fun together reading a non-stop stream of books, visiting museums (California Science Center is a favorite), and tickling and fighting until they say the equivalent of "uncle," which in our house is the playful sing-songy chant: “You win! You win!" "I can’t beat you! Can you please let me go?" "Daddy always wins.”

These days, my life is 99% work and family and, as someone who works in entertainment, my work is significantly influenced by my family. I want to do my part to help create the world I want my children to live in and I believe, perhaps naively, that entertainment can play an important role in that. This happens especially when we are intentional about the stories we tell and the imagery we create, which is one of the reasons I created Father Noir.

Father Noir, now in its third year, is a visual celebration of Black Fatherhood; it’s an effort, like our series BLACK LOVE, to show, in black and white, evidence of Black dads who are present.

There have been great strides made by the likes of The Dad Gang and The Black Man Can, but we need more as the outdated perception that Black dads are not in their kids' lives persists despite very clear evidence to the contrary.

Though my dad may not have been in my life, like many others, I refused to let that cycle continue. I will kiss, nurture, and love my babies every day I can while also continuing to share those images with the world.

With love,

Tommy

Tommy Oliver

Tommy Oliver is a filmmaker, photographer, founder & chairman of Black Love, Inc., founder & CEO of Confluential Films, and the creator and photographer of the Father Noir series. He and his wife, Codie Elaine Oliver, are parents to Brooks (6), Aristotle (4), and Langston (4). You can follow him @producertommy on Instagram.

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