Like everyone currently offering expert commentary on cable news and your conspiracy theory-loving uncle whose Facebook profile picture is a dog in sunglasses driving a tank, I have read the entire 448 pages of Reader's Digest presents The Mueller Report. The document is longer than George R. R. Martin's next tome and equally full of duplicity and avarice. The Report is so redacted it technically can be classified as Dalmatian. And yet! I have read it and I have thoughts!
Okay, I haven't actually read it. I get bored one paragraph into the iTunes terms and conditions and I'm supposed to read the War and Peace of idiot megalomaniacs? I just don't know, hon. And were you aware that this report doesn't feature any former Desperate Housewives stars? Not even Mike Delfino! At least the 100+ page college admissions indictment had cameos.
Fortunately, many actual reporters have read the report, which is how we get juicy tidbits like this find from Josh Barro, which states that it wasn't so much that Trump didn't obstruct as he couldn't obstruct because no one would do crimes with him.
"The President's efforts to influence the investigation were mostly unsuccessful, but that is largely because the persons who surrounded the President declined to carry out orders or accede to his requests." pic.twitter.com/UodXujJlZc- Josh Barro (@jbarro) April 18, 2019
"The President's efforts to influence the investigation were mostly unsuccessful, but that is largely because the persons who surrounded the President declined to carry out orders or accede to his requests," the report alleges. It goes on to list a number of officials who did not follow Trump's explicit or implicit wishes, including highly suspect giant James Comey, former White House counsel Don McGahn whose name seems like it should rhyme but apparently does not, and Corey Lewandowski, aka Diet Steven Miller.
This is a very grave revelation: the President's evil plan was stymied only by the relative good judgement of a bunch of slightly less evil Scooby-Doo villains. It's sort of gratifying to find out that even Donald Trump is as affected by Donald Trump's incompetence as the rest of us are. "I would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for the fact that I'm me!"
I actually wish Trump would write a self-help book about how to fail so completely and utterly at everything and yet continue to skate by. I'd actually read it even though I know that most of the chapters would just be misspelled variations on the theme "Be a white man born into wealth and then get into tax schemes for fun and profit." Just a simple how-to would be great. Which tax schemes, how white, etc.
If the rest of the Mueller Report is just revelations like this I will definitely cancel my book club so I can make time to read it. This little tidbit reads like a line from a Comedy Central Roast. Robert Mueller handed the pen to Janis Ian from Mean Girls and was like, "Get 'er jade."
What a world. The Mueller Report is the Infinite Jest of the political realm. Everyone will say they've read it, few are telling the truth, even fewer actually understand it, and, it paints a bleak, darkly comedic picture of a world quite like our own.
We've got President Charlie Brown in the White House running from room-to-room asking people if they'd be interested in doing a little obstructing with him and everyone's blowing him off like he's trying to sell scam weight loss tea on Facebook.
While the public was trying to process the world's most self-owning semi-exoneration, Trump logged on to Beyoncé's internet and proceeded to do himself no favors once again, this time by posting a gloating meme.
He then pinned this tweet to the top of his profile proving himself to be the most oblivious person on Earth and also the world's worst Game of Thrones fan. Donald Trump definitely has zero elephants. He's that guy who stands up in a cast member panel at ComicCon and has "more of a statement than a question." What is this GIF? Someone in Michelle Obama's White House really had to make a Photoshop of the sitting president awkwardly insert into a bootleg meme. WHY GOD?! Donald Trump needs to just go to the mall and get himself a t-shirt of himself airbrushed on to a dragon and be done with it.
What does this even mean? The report explicitly does not say there was no obstruction. And in the clip above it even notes that there would have been obstruction if everyone had played along like this hapless graphic designer who had to download a font called Game of Self-Owns for the leader of the free world's ego.
I'm not a scammer who has fallen up his entire life, so take this with a grain of salt, but when there's a 448-page report on you after a multi-year investigation, maybe don't start making fan art.
Get Eric Reads the News in your inbox! Sign up for ELLE.com's newsletter to receive exclusive content every Friday.
('You Might Also Like',)