How to Make the Most of Relationship Therapy, and Figure Out if It’s for You
Relationships can be difficult to navigate. Nearly every couple experiences some sort of conflict now and then, including normal ups and downs (or occasionally larger red flags, like cheating). This is where relationship therapy can come into play.
Relationship or couples therapy may sound scary—especially when it seems like a last-ditch effort to save a failing partnership or a marriage on the brink of divorce. But here’s the reality: “The sooner partners begin relationship therapy, the better,” says Weena Cullins, L.C.M.F.T., a relationship expert in the Washington D.C. metropolitan area.
“When we think of therapy, we think of one person going to see a therapist,” explains Vagdevi Meunier, Psy.D., licensed professional psychologist, certified Master Gottman Therapist, and founder of The Center for Relationships. Meunier explains that when a couple is experiencing relationship issues, one person seeking therapy, a.k.a “in vitro therapy,” is not always effective because things often get lost in translation.
“Relationship therapy is in vivo therapy,” Meunier explains. “That means the therapist isn’t just working with one individual—they’re actually working with the relational space…they’re helping people experientially communicate, rather than teaching them how to communicate.”
This kind of therapy is effective for couples struggling with various issues because it increases productive communication and positivity with the help of an experienced, neutral third-party. So, can therapy save a relationship? While relationship therapy is extremely helpful, “the hard truth is that some relationships are more harmful than healthy,” Cullins explains. “While relationship therapy does not save all relationships, it does help partners discover what a healthy connection looks like and determine whether or not they can create a productive and fulfilling partnership.”
While talking about personal relationship issues with a total stranger may seem strange, it can prove to be a helpful tool for couples. Ahead, find everything there is to know about relationship therapy, including what is relationship therapy, when to try it, and more.
What is relationship therapy
“Relationship therapy is a confidential, structured process that focuses on exploring and improving the relationship that exists between individuals,” Cullins explains. “Trained clinicians help each individual identify their relationship goals and resolve unhealthy or unproductive beliefs, communication, and behavior patterns.”
There are a few different types of relationship therapy, and you might choose a specific model based on you and your partner’s specific wants or needs, Meuiner explains, but the goals are consistent among all types: improvement in communication, intimacy, and conflict management.
Meunier suggests searching for a provider who works under a method that is based in research, as research-based models have “solid foundation for their techniques and have more solid credibility.” Three key research-based methods include: the Gottman approach, discernment counseling, and emotionally focused therapy (EFT), according to the experts.
When to seek relationship therapy
“Anybody that’s thinking of getting into a relationship or is in a relationship would benefit from relationship therapy,” Meunier says. While most people tend to wait until things are bad, that’s not always the most helpful way to approach relationship therapy, “because by then they’ve learned some bad habits,” Menuier continues. “And those bad habits have become established in the relationship, or there’s been resentment,” which makes the relationship more difficult to repair.
Relationship education is also another viable route for couples, even for those who are happily in love or even in a new relationship. Relationship education is “a DIY way to do relationship therapy,” and refers to obtaining relationship knowledge and learning the skills on your own, Meunier explains.
While relationship therapy or relationship education is useful for almost any couple, there are a few sure signs that you and your partner might be due for a visit to a couples therapist.
According to Cullins, someone should consider relationship therapy when/if:
They are experiencing conflict or strain with a current romantic partner
They are having difficulty co-parenting with their present or past partner
They’ve experienced a bad breakup and want new tools to help them process the past and/or reestablish a relationship with the same partner
They are struggling to heal from a past relationship
If trust has been bruised or broken in their relationship
Prior to making a deeper commitment or getting married
What to expect from relationship therapy
So, how does relationship therapy work and what should you expect from your sessions? Cullins explains that “relationship therapy should be a judgment-free zone where individuals can rest assured that their therapist is there to help them achieve their identified goals.” You can expect your therapist to give both you and your partner the opportunity to share concerns and experiences while facilitating a discussion about relationship strengths and weaknesses, emotions, and even individual histories to gather an understanding of the relationship and ways for it to grow and improve.
Additionally, “partners should prepare to have an open mind,” Cullins explains. “While it’s likely that they will learn new things about each other and their relationship, another common byproduct of relationship therapy is that partners will also have to unlearn things they currently believe or do that are counterproductive to their relationship goals.”
How to make the most of relationship therapy
Walking through the doors of your therapist’s office is only half the battle. In order to fully benefit from all relationship therapy has to offer, a few things need to happen before, during, and between sessions:
Be clear on your goals.
Meunier suggests preparing for your sessions by reflecting on what you would like to get out of therapy, and what would make you happier in your relationship. Journaling can be particularly helpful for this type of reflection.
Be honest.
Open and honest communication with your partner and your therapist is key, explains Cullins. By sharing any and all concerns relating to the relationship or the therapeutic process you can expect to build trust and progress all around.
Practice between sessions.
Practicing skills between sessions can help “turn the ship around much faster,” as conflict management and positivity become skills not just exclusive to therapy, but fundamental aspects of the relationship, Meunier explains. Try taking notes by writing down key points, skills, and tools, and homework assignments—“reviewing the notes between sessions will serve as an important reminder of the skills you are building as well as the goals you are working toward,” Cullins adds.
Trust the process.
“While it may take some time to completely trust your therapist’s guidance, it’s important to remember that there is a science behind relationship therapy,” Cullins explains. “Your therapist has been trained to listen to and identify specific relationship dynamics that need to be addressed.”
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