The Most Delightfully Spiteful Thing You Can Do This V-Day? Name a Cockroach After Your Ex

The other day, I passed a dead cockroach on the sidewalk that appeared to have been violently stomped to death by an earlier passerby and I was like, “Awh!” It honestly warmed my cold, hard, New York City heart to stumble upon this reminder that I live in a community of like-minded individuals united by a shared hatred of this universally reviled creature that we would all very much like to see eliminated from the freaking planet.

If this is how you wish the world saw your ex, then same. Unfortunately, most people’s exes aren’t widely despised pests people are desperate to exterminate but rather beloved human beings with loving families and cherished friendships. (Rude.) This can be pretty inconvenient, especially if you share mutual friends after the split who refuse to talk shit because “They’re still our friend, sorry.” Like, grow up and pick a side, traitor.

If you would like the rest of the world to kindly get on your wavelength, might we suggest naming a roach after your ex? Yes, this is an actual thing you can do thanks to the Bronx Zoo’s Name-a-Roach program, to be specific. This offbeat Valentine’s Day tradition has been around since 2011 and invites lovers and spurned exes alike to give their (ex-)valentine the gift of a roach named in their honor. It’s worth noting that the zoo seems to market this gift package as a romantic (??) gesture to be bestowed upon loved ones, but we’re gonna go ahead and save this one for, uh, less endeared folks in our lives. So while you can’t pull a full Kafka and actually turn your former lover into a creature of widespread disgust, you can—for the low price of just $15 dollars—get a certificate confirming the ex of your choice now has a nasty little critter in their name. (And you’re making a donation to the Wildlife Conservation Society, which is, you know, also very nice.)

And if you thought that was all you could gift your favorite ex, for an extra $20, you can splurge on the package that includes either a roach tote bag or a tumbler—because this is a reminder they deserve to look at every damn morning.

To be fair, these roaches are technically not the same as the pests you live in lowkey constant fear of seeing in your apartment. They’re Madagascar hissing cockroaches, which, according to the zoo, are not considered pests and rarely enter homes. Still, they’re pretty gnarly to look at, so it feels safe to say that naming one of these bad boys after the one who broke your heart should probably get the point across. Our exes are absolutely going to hate this announcement, but our exes don’t run this city. We do.

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