More and More Parents Are "Rusting Out" Without Realizing It — Are You?
Burnout is a well-known consequence of working too hard for too long at your job. Did you know, though, that parenting can cause a similar — but less obvious — problem called “rust out” that’s no less dangerous to your mental health?
There is so much joy associated with parenthood. Your heart might’ve fluttered when they smiled — really smiled — for the first time. When they first ate avocado with those new teeth, you might have danced with delight across the kitchen! And who could forget all those baby snuggles?
But along with the sweet moments comes a never-ending cycle of bath times, bedtimes, and cleaning up little socks from under the sofa. And sometimes, being a parent leaves you feeling kind of ... empty. This is not to say you don’t love your kid to the moon and back. It’s possible your enthusiasm for parenthood as a whole seems to be flattening out, and you might not be sure why.
Losing your parenting mojo is an insidious and stagnating problem — hence the term "rust-out" rather than the hotter, faster "burnout" — and during these periods a lack of challenge or excitement in a life too focused on your kids can lead to depression. You slowly lose your enthusiasm for what you do every day, without really knowing that it’s happening. Often it’s because you feel undervalued, or because your day-to-day responsibilities feel monotonous.
From a parenting perspective, this super-blah feeling is sometimes referred to as depleted parent syndrome. “I call it ‘slow fade,'" says Brenna Hicks, Ph.D., a licensed therapist and parenting coach in Tampa Bay, Florida and creator of The Kid Counselor blog. Over time, boredom and repetition in your mom or dad life can grow into full-blown apathy that you just can't shake. This can not only cause mood problems, but also lead to thrill-seeking activities in other aspects of your life that are not in the best interest of you, or your kids.
Researchers from Belgium also found that emotionally exhausted parents tend to become inefficient in taking care of their family’s needs, and also start to emotionally distance themselves from their kids. Additional studies indicate indicate that the problem may affect at least 5% of parents in the US and Europe. That might sound like a low number, but it’s really impactful. Slow-fading as a parent affects your sense of self as a whole person — you can’t give yourself what you need if you’re losing who you are, which is completely different than feeling momentarily frustrated as a parent.
If you recognize any symptoms of depression already, call your doctor or therapist for help right away. If, however, you’re just starting to feel a sense of boredom as a parent, there’s lots you can do to help yourself. Super important to remember: You don’t want to simply address this problem for the sake of your kids — you matter, big-time! You deserve joy, and to feel every part of life fully. And to do that, it’s important to understand these five key signs that your battery is draining — and know how to catch the problem in time, and recharge.
Red Flag No. 1: You’re Always Fighting With Somebody
Your picky toddler spits veggies at you every night; you raise your voice, and dinner’s ruined. You argue that it’s your spouse’s turn to do bath and bedtime, and they push back that it’s your turn. If you feel constant conflict is undermining your role as a parent, this is a red flag.
"While parenthood brings with it daily joys and overall life satisfaction, it also brings about new, added stressors,” says Joanna Pepin, Ph.D., a family sociologist and assistant professor of sociology at the University of Buffalo in Buffalo, NY. “This is a time-intensive stage in life, when parents are juggling many work demands, caretaking responsibilities, and for partnered parents, time for their relationship also needs to be considered.” When other people seem to be standing in the way of your ability to take care of your family, this can be massively frustrating.
The Solution
First things first: when you feel that burning anger in the moment, close your eyes, take a deep breath and try saying this mantra inside: “This will not matter tomorrow.” Then, pick your battles. Consciously ask yourself when you really need to be right, and if a disagreement doesn’t matter, let it go. OK, your child hates broccoli. Play a game with them where they try other vegetables instead, and when they say they like carrots, just keep giving them carrots for a while. Renegotiate the chores with your spouse later, when tempers have cooled, and agree that you’ll give them the night off to watch TV if they’ll take the kids to the park this weekend (or vice versa). You’ll feel a weight lifted off your shoulders, build goodwill and have more energy.
Red Flag No. 2: You Never Sit Down — and Neither Do Your Kids
You’re in constant motion: filling the dishwasher, emptying the dryer, baking a thousand cookies. You’re also constantly shuttling your kids from soccer to band practice to gymnastics. You used to enjoy a feeling of pride in how much you all accomplished through these activities, but now it just seems like a tiring grind.
The Solution
Recognize that you might measure your success as a parent through the quantity of time you spend doing stuff, as opposed to the quality of time you spend truly connecting with yourself, and your kids. Ask your kids to pick one activity they each truly love, and tell them they can drop all the rest. The result: more time at home to have fun together, which builds a sense of rest, relaxation and joy and bonding within your family. You’ll feel really relieved too, and so will your kids. (And maybe, if they’re not too busy with extracurriculars, you can all take turns folding and putting away clothes.)
“Some parents feel self-important and view their worth through their children’s achievements,” Dr. Hicks says. “However, it’s just as important and rewarding to let them enjoy normal kid time, which will be so fulfilling for your kids and for you.” Research shows shows that “PDF” — playtime, downtime, and family time — is a power combination that can bring balance into your lives as a whole.
Red Flag No. 3: You Say, “I Don’t Know Why….” All The Time
Your child is melting down in the background while you’re on a Zoom meeting. Trying to make an excuse, you say to your co-worker, “I don’t know why my child is screaming.” Thing is … you really don’t know why. This is an indication that you’re spread so thin, and being pulled in so many directions at once, you might not be totally in tune with your child in a given moment.
The Solution
Ask someone close to you — your best friend, sibling, or parent — to come over and watch you interact with your kid. Afterwards, ask them how tuned in they think you truly were to your child’s feelings. This can give you the fresh perspective you need. “Social connectedness is important for mental health,” says Dr. Pepin. “Reaching out to confide in and share experiences and get advice can really help.”
Red Flag No. 4: You’re Doing Way, Way More Nights Out
It’s totally normal to want to take a break and enjoy dinner out with your friends — everyone deserves nights off for sure. But if you find yourself repeatedly telling your family, “I need more ‘Me Time,’” and bailing out of family dinners as much as you possibly can, it’s time to regroup. “You’re really saying, ‘I don’t want to be around my kids’ when you do this,” Dr. Hicks says. “You want to escape. It’s not intentional most of the time.” Still, you don’t want this to become a self-destructive habit — and you want to reinvest in quality time with your children.
The Solution
“Forge connection with the ‘be with’ attitude,” suggests Dr. Hicks. Instead of going out for the night several nights a week, create an evening at home of play and fun. “Ask your child what he or she would like to do, then just do that with them for twenty minutes at first,” Dr. Hicks says. “Play whatever they want. The more time you give them this way, the more you’ll reconnect. Also, tell your child, ‘I’m here, I hear you, I understand, I care.’ This does both of you so much good on an emotional level.”
Red Flag No. 5: You Constantly Daydream About Another Kind of Life
“We all have visions of what our life as adults should look like,” Dr. Hicks says. “However, the white picket fence life really doesn’t exist.” Seeing your seemingly-perfect neighbor enjoying a seemingly-perfect breakfast with her kids on Insta while you have bedhead and pancake batter dripping down your PJs doesn’t exactly help. Trying to be a perfect parent all the time isn’t realistic, and if you put too much pressure on yourself, you’ll lose your joy for sure.
The Solution
First of all, don’t blame yourself. “It’s important to remember that negative experiences are often due to structural issues, rather than personal failings,” says Dr. Pepin. Example: Your oven broke while you were cooking a delicious Sunday dinner — not your fault. Hit the drive-through without shame! And when you really feel overwhelmed? Do not be afraid to go for a major recharge. Book that vacation! Outsource your cleaning! These kinds of choices are fine to spend some money on if they buy you peace. Shake up your structure a little, and know when it’s okay to delegate the stress that eats away at your joy.
The bottom line: “The more adaptable and flexible you are, the better you’ll feel,” Dr. Hicks says. Do the best you can in any given situation — then let the rest go. That’s the best gift you can give yourself and your kids!
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