When a monk and a nun become husband and wife

"He's really old."

That was Beate's first thought when she saw Ulrich Heinen, a Franciscan monk, for the first time - and she remembers that till this day.

But at 65 at the time, it was not like she was exactly a spring chicken. And after all, at 53, he was more than a decade younger.

Yet neither age nor religious rules could stop the two from living together, and the former nun and the former monk ended up as a married couple.

The two met 15 years ago when Brother Ulrich dropped by the home of Beate, an artist, trying to get her to take part in a dialogue in the monastery.

"The intention was to win her over, not for me personally, but for this evening and afternoon of dialogue in the monastery," recalled the now 68-year-old ex-monk.

The two left a lasting impression on each other. She had actually wanted to cut back a little, stop spending so much time with men and work on her spirituality.

But after the evening, she talked to her daughter who quickly summed up the situation.

"Mum, you're in love," she said.

But Brother Ulrich was still in the convent, so a relationship was still unthinkable. A close friendship developed: the two met for exhibitions and discussions about art, and at some point even went on holiday together. Beate, who is now 80, realized early on that it was more than friendship and she was single and available.

But that wasn't always the case. Beate became a nun at the age of 18, when she joined the Benedictine order in Germany.

But a secular and independent life and her love of art nagged at her and she left after around 10 years.

Yet it would be some time after their first meeting before Brother Ulrich would take the same step - out of love for Beate. He joined the German community of Franciscan brothers in 1977. The decision between his familiar life in the monastery, with responsibility for the community, and a new life as a husband was difficult for him.

"Of course, I couldn't discuss this struggle publicly" with the other friars, he said and "it took 11 years before I actually left the community."

The reactions were sometimes harsh. Ulrich says he didn't hear all the comments but the friars mostly reacted with disappointment and a lack of understanding. His own brother even prayed for him - "as if it were an illness," Beate said.

But love won out and Brother Ulrich, the monk, became Ulrich, the husband.

The two married in 2020 in a civil ceremony during the coronavirus pandemic before a small circle.

Three years later, both families were present at a church wedding - made possible because Beate had never been married before and Ulrich had not been ordained as a priest.

"Now I'm content," Ulrich, 68, says. "I'm happy."

Their relationship with religion has changed, but not deteriorated, say the former nun and the former monk. "For me, a greater freedom has grown once again," says Ulrich. He says it isn't God who decides what is possible - or not - but "he always gives us the freedom to decide." This also helps him in his current work as an art therapist.

Still, the couple has had to overcome a few hurdles to be able to live their love. When they met, neither of them were young. "We know that we will only have a limited amount of time together," says Ulrich. But that doesn't bother either of them. His wife is certain: "I couldn't live without him."

The couple wrote about their experiences in a book: "When a nun and a monk find love" written together with author Heidi Friedrich. The book contains numerous works of art by Beate.

Her house in Wassenach, north-west of Frankfurt, is also full of paintings, drawings and works of art. Ulrich helps his wife choose the colours or set up the easel and canvases. Art is an important part of their lives. When she searches for words because of a stroke she suffered a few years ago, her husband is patient and helps her find them. They also still tend the garden behind the house together. The former monk and the former nun have found their secular everyday life together.

In addition to his life as a husband, something else came into Ulrich's life after he left the monastery that he had not really expected after 40 years as a monk: Beate's grandchildren, who are now also his.

At home, before his time in the monastery, he was always Uli, and later he was always Brother Ulrich.

"And then suddenly there are attributes like granddad or husband," he says. "That's something completely different again. It also feels so warm and so close."